Page 46 of Derailed
15
Jess
It’sall I can do to return to the living room, sit back down next to Coy, and paste a smile on my face like his words don’t sting. We don’t talk about the future. Ever. But that was when we were living paycheck to paycheck. That was before he hit it big. It was never practical to think or hope for a family of my own. Hell, I know first-hand how horribly wrong that can go. And Coy’s always been enough for me. More than Ideserve.
But as I sit here inserting minuscule plastic twins into the back seat of my game piece, I realize things have changed. I knew they would, but I never expected I would be the one with growing expectations. At Coy’s next turn I sneak a glance at Sean and find him staring back with eyes that promise more. More of what I want. Gifts without guilt. Friendship with meaningful conversations.Sexual connection that’s more pleasure than pain.This isn’t the first time I’ve imagined what it would be like to sleep with Sean. He’s kind, but more than that, he’s sincere, and I can’t imagine him anything other than generous in all aspects. And that’s so, so wrong. My face heats with the shame of my inappropriate thoughts, made worse by the fact I’m sitting next to my boyfriend while staring at anotherman.
Just because he told me I’d be a good mother someday doesn’t mean he’s volunteering to be the father. And none of that negates the fact I’m with Coy—the man who knows the dirty parts of my life and loves me anyway; someone who saved me from my own personal hell, expecting nothing in return. So Coy doesn’t want children? I’ll have to accept it. Besides I can’t really picture him as afather.
“Your turn, Jess.” Trent snaps me from mythoughts.
“Sorry.” I spin the dial and move my piece across the finishline.
“Damn!” Austin chuckles, shaking his head, “We got our asses handed to us by awoman.”
“Well, this is the game of life, Aust. That’s generally how it goes.” Trent winks and leans back into his chair, tipping back hisbeer.
Austin rolls his eyes and picks up his cell phone to glance at the screen. “Oh, fuck.” He knocks the table and jostles all the game pieces, sending a few cars and dollar bills flying in the process. “Shit! I’ve gottago!”
Sean’s brow furrows as he watches Austin shove his cell in his pocket. “Bro, where do you have tobe?”
“Dude, it’s two in the fucking morning.” Trent laughs and shakes hishead.
“Oh, uh . . . I’m . . . just . . .” Austin pulls his phone out to check it again. “I just remembered I have something to do.” He glances back over his shoulder. “In myroom.”
“You make an appointment to jack off your dick?” Coy teases and it sends the guys into a fit of laughter. Well, all except for Austin, who still looks more like a boy who’s hiding candy or fireworks or a girl in his room. I actually laugh at the probability it’s one of thethree.
“That’s it! He’s got his cock on a regular schedule!” Trent slaps his hand on the knee of hisjeans.
“Fuck off!” Austin turns away and throws up his middle finger. “You guys arestupid.”
Sean calls after him. “Make sure to lotion up, bro! Helps with the chafing! Don’t want any disruptions for your nextsession!”
“Fuck you!” he yells, now out ofsight.
Even I have to laugh, the mood lighthearted the way it was when we first started the game. I can almost pretend Coy didn’t make me cry, or that Sean comforted me in a way no one elsecould.
“I think mylifeis ruined.” Trent laughs at his play on words, picking up his game piece from where it landed on thefloor.
I sit up on my knees and reach out to help reorganize the money and collect the pieces of the game back into thebox.
“Another round?” Sean holds up his empty bottle with his offer. It’s to all of us, but once again his eyes fall tome.
“I think we’re gonna turn in now.” Coy slides his hand up my leg to where his fingers brush under the frayed threads of my cutoff jeans. It’s an intimate gesture, and one that tells everyone in the room what he wants. He might as well announce it with abullhorn.
Sean continues to hold my stare and I have to look away. Not that Sean and Trent don’t expect us to sleep together, but it’s embarrassing when Coy’s fingers are skimming the edge of my panty line to anaudience.
It’s not because I’d rather go to bed with Sean tonight.I know it’s a lie, but I tell it to myself anyway. The truth is so much more painful. I won’t give in to the admission that I have these feelings for Sean, because they’re so implausible it’s ridiculous. He’s just not that into me. We’re friends. That’s all this is, and all it can everbe.
“Dude, remind me never to take your girl on. She’s a fierce competitor.” Trent breaks the silence and reaches over the table to offer me a high five. I smile, relieved and appreciative of his ability to put everyone in the room at ease, and meet his hand with a lightsmack.
“She’s a winner.” Coy grins and tugs me to his side so I’m practically sitting on hislap.
I shrug and feign nonchalance. “I’ll accept my prizes now, thank you very much. Wait. What exactly were we playing for?” I tap mychin.
“Sorry, looks like the only prize you get is me,” Coy says, his voice low. I tip my chin up to meet his stare. His hand is ready, sliding up my neck and gripping the back of my hair. Before I can react, he tugs hard and presses his lips overmine.
My body tenses and at first I resist. I’m uncomfortable with spectators. Even more so that it’s Sean sitting only a few feet away. Coy has every right to kiss me, but this feels wrong. Hurtful and spiteful. And the fact I don’t immediately give in to his kiss causes Coy to push his dominance. He pulls my hair so hard tears form beneath my eyelids while his other hand twists at my hip until I climb on hislap.
