Page 40 of Derailed
Leaning back on my heels, I leave the spade suspended in the dirt and peel the gloves from my hands, the fabric sticking to my skin just like her words. I can’t get away from them quicklyenough.
“I’m sorry. That wasn’t my place to say.” She stands along with me, her brow lined withworry.
“It’s fine.” I wave a hand to dismiss her concern. “I’m just feeling hot. I’m going to go get adrink.”
“Jess.” She doesn’t buy mylie.
Anxiety slinks into my mind with her show of concern. What if she mentions this to Trent? What if he says something to Coy? Do they all think I’m a gold digging freeloader?Oh, God. “It’s fine,” I say as much to myself as toher.
All of the expectations—to be the perfect girlfriend; to go unnoticed and stay out of the way; to not wear out my welcome—and I thought I was doing okay. I’m not. Not if Deb can see right through me. I sniffle once to stall myself from giving in to the urge tocry.
“Jessica, we all enjoy having you here.” Deb must be a mind reader. She must be. That’s the only conclusion I can draw as she comes around the garden bed to stand in front of me. “You’re special. And you’re the most considerate roommate of the lot.” She rolls her eyes and her lips turn up with asmile.
“I do always remember to leave the seat down,” I joke and she laughs heartily. I’m thankful for her attempt to lighten the mood. “I don’t expect a free ride. If there’s anything I can helpwith—”
“You’ve already done enough.” She grabs my hand and squeezes it with a smile. “But maybe there’s something you’ve always wanted to do? Something you couldn’t before? Maybe now would be a good time to start. That’s all I’m saying,Jess.”
I search her face for any hidden meaning or harsh judgment, but come up empty. She’s too kind, and her encouragement gives lift to thoughts I only entertain inside my own mind. Dreams I know could never happen. Not really. “You know how little kids say what they want to be when they grow up?” I say, and she nods for me to continue. “Well, I never had ananswer.”
She smiles but it’s a sad one. “Maybe you just needed some time to grow up?” She offers me an out, but the truth’s the exactopposite.
I never needed to grow up. That happened all too soon. The real problem is I never got to be a child. I consider telling her but instead I shrug. “Maybe.”
“Or maybe all you needed was a little time and space to figure it out.” This time her grin reaches her eyes. “Look around. You have plenty of thathere.”
“That I do.” I point my thumb over my shoulder and toward the house. “I’m going to get that glass of water. Can I get youanything?”
“No, thanks. I’m okay fornow.”
I pad over the lush lawn, leaving impressions of my shoes with each step forward. Proof that I was here. That I took this path. I wonder whether there’s a chance for me to do just that. If my life is meant for more than survival. More than Coy. The idea’s scary to entertain, but I must be changing, because for the first time in what feels like forever, I’m okay with theuncertainty.
