Page 13 of My Undead Heart

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell us you worked for EverSoft!” Dash shouts, his enthusiasm not at all dimmed by the passing minutes.

Dax nods. “Seriously. You’ve been talking about that fucking lanyard all night, but this! This is exciting!”

Jared’s smile lifts up at one side and he cocks his head. “I’m lost. What lanyard?”

Dax and Dash groan.

My mouth feels too dry and I throw back the rest of my drink in dramatic fashion before fishing the offending loop of woven fabric from my purse. “This.” I slam it onto the table, rattling our collection of empty glasses. “This fucking lanyard.”

Jared’s frown is riddled with confusion and the twins who aren’t twins shake their heads. I understand their pain all too well, but it doesn’t stop me from reciting the horrid details.

“After you went inside, I stayed in line,” I begin.

“For two fucking hours,” Dax adds helpfully.

“Yeah, for two fucking hours. Because I’m not a quitter, you know? I don’t give up. So, I stood in that line. And for what? For what, you might ask?” It’s all coming back to me. The embarrassment. The shame. The pitiful truth that I’m not zombie enough.

Jared shrugs, chancing one hesitant glance at the table before us. “A fucking lanyard?”

“Not again.” Dash closes his eyes.

“Shit.” Dax allows his head to fall back against the wall.

“A FUCKING LANYARD!” I shout, shaking it high above my head.

“So, then you came here?” Jared guesses, his question full of trepidation.

Laughter, a manic combo of giggle versus despair leaves my mouth at his innocence. I shake my head and grab for my drink, except it’s empty. I snag Jared’s before he can argue and take a gulp. “No, Jared. No. I didn’t come here. Not at first. And I couldn’t go to work, not after asking Stanton for the day off. I couldn’t face the shame of it. So, you know what I did?”

He looks too alarmed to ask but I continue anyway.

“I took my fucking lanyard, and I walked all the way down to Michigan Avenue. Past Lincoln Park and the Hancock building. I walked to the fucking bean. You know how much I dislike the bean?”

He nods. “It widens your hips to unattractive proportions.”

“It does, Jared. It fucking does. But I needed to get a good look at myself. At what I’d become. And that was the biggest fucking mirror I could think of. I wanted to quit. When my feet began to ache, and I started to sweat ... my flesh wounds melting off ...”

“I don’t understand why you didn’t take the bus?”

“Because losers don’t get to ride buses, Jared. That’s why.” I lift his drink back to my lips and take a deep sip, tasting the bitter sweetness as it rolls over my tongue and down my throat.

“Fucking lanyard.” Dax shakes his head. I clink my glass against his beer. Dax gets it. He understands.

“Don’t leave a man hanging. What’s the end of your story?” Jared removes the glass from my hands.

I release a deep sigh. “I dragged myself there. I could hardly walk anymore. I looked like a real zombie, Jared, I swear I did. And you know what happened?”

“I can’t imagine.”

“I sat my ass on the ground. Right there in front of the bean. Tears—real ones—came out of my eyeballs.What the fuck?” Remembering stings and I have to rub my chest. I don’t cry. I don’t do that. More shame washes around my memories. “People started dropping money.”

“I don’t understand?”

“Dollar bills and coins. They thought I was homeless!”

“Fucking lanyard.” Jared finally swears. He gets it. He gets me. His arm reaches around Dax’s shoulder to touch my cheek. “I’m sorry, Kitten.”

“It’s fine,” I grumble even though it’s not. “At least I have the Double-axe twins, and you and Rae. Wait! Where’s Rae?”

---