Page 17 of Kiss and Makeup
9 PM was Emma’s bedtime, but mine was a little more variable. Right now, my mind wanted nothing to do with sleep. A glass of wine and whatever movie happened to be playing on TV sounded perfect right now.
Perfect would be a movie that I hadn’t seen more than twice. Perfect would be a glass of white wine that would be easier to drink, not woody, dark red wine. Perfect would be something that didn’t leave my mind free to wander off in whatever direction it desired.
Because, the instant the need to make sure Emma was okay stopped repressing everything else, all I could think about was Xavier.
I still didn’t know what I had expected from this evening. To walk out early before the waitress brought our food definitely wasn’t it.
Xavier had asked if everything was okay right after the first text Lauren had sent me, and I’d opened my mouth to tell him—then lied. I lied, and I did it for the same reason I stopped myself when I started to say “my niece loves pizza.” That would have raised questions about Emma, then I would have had to explain about her parents, how I adopted her…
I wasn’t embarrassed by Emma. I could never be embarrassed by Emma. But I was starting to think back on my decision to refuse Xavier’s ring that night on the Loyola campus, and every day that passed gave the little voice in my head that said I’d made a mistake a little more strength.
I wanted to explore this new side of Xavier. Sometime during the past nine years, he had turned into an adult who could have a serious conversation and was willing to try at new challenges. On the surface, Xavier played it off like his father hadn’t really left him a choice. If I learned anything from growing up in a small town with a big dream, it was that people always had choices.
Xavier could have tried to talk to his father. In college, as an only child, Xavier’s parents had been willing to put up with a lot from him. If he tried hard enough, he could probably convince his father not to fire him from the company even if he failed at this supposed “last chance”.
He had chosen to apply himself to succeeding at this task his father had given him instead, and that meant a lot to me. When I had known him in college… he just hadn’t grown. I had felt passion from him toward me and seen his passion toward sports, but he had none for anything he had to work for.
That had changed, and a man who knew what he wanted and wasn’t afraid to work for it was so, so appealing.
There. I admitted it. To myself only, so far, but I did it. After spending weeks working on this project that meant so much to both of us, Xavier had stolen his way back into my heart. Maybe he’d never even left…
But… it wasn’t just me anymore. I couldn’t do just anything I wanted that would make me happy, and I wouldn’t risk my own heart by taking a chance. Emma had already lost her mother and father, but she had shaken off the trauma and she got attached to new people in her life easily. Lauren only had to bond with Emma’s stuffed animals before she became one of Emma’s several “best friends.”
How would Emma react to a new man in my life? He would hang around the house and I would call Lauren to babysit Emma so I could spend time with him, taking me away from her—or at least, if I was a kid, that was how I would see it. I would just see Mommy with a strange man, spending less time with me. For this reason, I had never spent much time with Brent and Emma together. He had known I had a daughter and seen her occasionally, but mostly I had kind of kept the two of them separate. With how busy our jobs had kept us, that hadn’t been hard. Maybe—and this was no reason to excuse Brent’s actions, but it was something that had popped into my mind—maybe it was part of the reason Brent had cheated on me. We’d hardly seen each other, and he’d seen Emma even less…
And what if Emma liked Xavier? What if I let him into my life and into hers, but then something happened and we didn’t work out, just like back in college? Right now, she needed a static, safe environment in which to grow up. Whatever decisions I made needed to provide her with that.
There was also one more option. I had never been against having children, but I had been very focused on my career in college—so focused that I refused Xavier’s ring. Despite my personal and business goals, I had taken Emma into my arms and into my life without hesitation when I found out about the accident.
I’d refused Xavier. I’d chosen Emma. What would he think about that? Xavier had always been a bit jealous. Would he be willing to share my heart with Emma and respect that I had to think of her in any decisions I made?
I didn’t know. I couldn’t know. And now, after how I ran out with no explanation tonight, I would probably never know.
Suddenly cold even in the warm house, I pulled the blanket from the back of the couch and wrapped myself in it, leaving a hand free to hold my wine glass. A new movie was playing now, and for some reason it had laugh tracks in the background. I had always disliked laugh tracks, and right now I hated them more than ever because the mirthful voices were mocking my gloomy thoughts.
My hard work had blessed me with things that made me happy. Could I really risk those things on the chance that I could be even happier?
My lips touched air as I tipped the wine glass, then realized it was empty. The crowd laughed over the TV speakers.
“It’s not funny,” I muttered before switching off the TV.
I pushed Emma’s door open just a few inches more, peeking inside. She had flipped over in her sleep, littering her floor with half her stuffed animals and laying on top of the rest.
I couldn’t make any choices that would hurt Emma. Tomorrow, I would stay home, and when I went back to work and saw Xavier again…
Well, back to business, I guess. Too many things could go wrong if I told Xavier about Emma. It was better for both of us if I kept this business relationship just that—business.
My eyes burned and I rubbed at them angrily, refusing to let the sudden welling of tears turn into a waterfall. Wine and deep thoughts weren’t a good combination, apparently.
Everything would be better in the morning. Emma’s tummy would feel better, I would take the day off work, and we would just stay here in the apartment together, just the two of us. We were happy that way, and no matter how I felt…
We didn’t need three to make a family. Emma and I and the love we had for each other was enough. It had to be.
