Page 52 of Changing Tides
Marianne observed them over her mug. “You’re close to your dad, aren’t you?”
“I live next door, so it would be hard not to be. And my brothers live away, so…”
“You’re expected to look after him?”
“I am, but he’s still fairly independent.”
“But you’re worried about when he isn’t?”
“Yeah. I work long hours and we live in an isolated place. I don’t ever want him to be lonely.”
“Have you talked about it?”
Joey snorted. “Michael O’Hara doesn’t talk about anything. Least of all to me.”
Marianne was giving them her full attention and her expression was gentle, so they pushed on.
“We don’t really understand each other.” That was putting it mildly. “He always thought it would be one of my brothers who would take on the boat. He doesn’t know what to make of me.”
“That must be difficult for you. Painful, even.”
“Yeah, sometimes it’s hard. My younger brothers will be back in a couple of weeks. He’ll be so delighted to see them.”
“I’m sure he’s very proud of his oldest child, too.”
“Yeah.” That was the best Joey could do. Their dad’s disappointment and confusion was always hard to deal with.
“Does he find it difficult? Who you are?” Marianne’s voice held a slight hesitation as if she wasn’t sure if it was okay to ask.
“He favored the boys from birth. Even though I was the most enthusiastic about fishing. But yeah, all of that stuff didn’t help. He’s a simple, old-fashioned man and he doesn’t want to understand. He never did.”
“Was your mum still here, then?”
“No, I found the vocabulary to come out as non-binary around ten years ago. We lost Mum when I was seventeen. She was ill for a while, but she kept it from us for a long time. So, when she went it was quick.” All those years and the weight of grief still hung heavy on them.
Marianne squeezed their hand. “I’m so sorry.” It was no automatic comment; Joey felt Marianne’s empathy flow between their joined hands. They felt safe to continue their story.
“But it was Mum who insisted we visit the GP when I didn’t hit puberty like the other girls. I had a growth spurt, and I went from being the tallest girl to the tallest kid in school. By a head. When I was fourteen, my mum decided we needed to find out what was going on.”
Marianne didn’t speak but Joey wanted her to know everything. It felt important.
“Genetic tests showed that I had an intersex variation know as 5-ARD. The way my body converts testosterone is different, and it affected the way I physically developed.” There it was, the whole thing out in the open. They watched Marianne closely. She nodded slowly and blinked as though she was taking the detail in.
“And what did that feel like?”
Joey took in a deep breath and let it out very slowly, both to calm themself and to take some time to answer.
“It was good to get clarity and understand that part of who I am. To know that I wasn’t malfunctioning, I just work differently.” They looked down where Marianne was running her finger in soothing patterns across their palm. “But finding out I could never have kids broke me down. I just always thought I…” They shrugged. The sorrow of that discovery would never leave them. It was as though they would always grieve for the family they’d never have.
“It’s a difficult thing to find out as a teenager. I can see how much you love kids.”
“I know, but as my friends keep telling me, there are many ways to have a family. I just don’t…” They looked down at their intertwined hands once again and pulled themself gently free. “I don’t think that’s likely to happen for me. Not living here.”
“Have you ever thought of leaving?” Marianne tilted her head, forcing Joey to look at her again. Her eyes were dark.
“Honestly? No, never. I love my job. It’s not even a job, it’s just what I do. I couldn’t imagine a life away from the sea.”
Since their failed attempt at college, Joey had never considered a life on the mainland. A part of it was their responsibilities to their dad, but that was just an excuse, really. This was where they belonged. They didn’t expect Marianne to understand that. She belonged wherever she thought the best opportunities were. And that was fine, too.
