Page 29 of Finding Noah
“No. Not really.” He took a sip of juice—acting as if we always discussed his love for me.
“But you were going to marry Laura.” Again, with the logic. Because I had to find something to grasp onto. Something that would make this…less believable? More believable? I couldn’t be certain.
“Yes.” He used a spoon to scoop up his jam and ate it.
My mind whirled. “Oh, my fucking God. You justwent alongwith marrying Laura to get your parents out of debt?”
“Yep. Pretty much.” He eyed his coffee. Whatever he saw had him rising and heading to the coffee pot.
“You need to stand up for yourself more! Jesus, Christian. Marrying her would’ve been a huge mistake. And for your parents? Those ungrateful sods? Who never gave you the time of day unless to figure out how to use you?”
“Why?”
I blinked. “Why what?”
“Why do I need to stand up for myself more?” He dumped the remnants of his doctored coffee down the sink, ran the water, then proceeded to pour a fresh cup.
“Why? Because you end up doing shit you don't want to do. If you like guys, fine. I'm happy for you. But you have to say what you want. You have to do something to get it. You can't be a doormat.”God, is this why he came to California with me? Because he just goes along to get along? Because he doesn’t know how to stand up for himself? How the fuck had I never noticed that?
He poured a ton of milk into his coffee and started heaping the artificial sugar in as well. He really preferred lattés, but he couldn’t always get to the nearest café or coffee shop. “I don't likeguys.I like you.”
“I'm sure you're confused about that.” On inspiration, I repeated the words he’d asked me a few weeks back. "If you could do anything, go anywhere, what would you do?"
He held my gaze. “I'd live with you and all your dogs that you surround yourself with to try to make yourself the family you never had. In other words, I'd do exactly what I'm doing now.” He squinted. “Except I think we need to get another dog or two. And maybe some rescue cats? I put my foot down at ferrets, though.”
“Uh, I’m going to visit Pam at Safe Haven Animal Rescue. She’s got a pair of mutts. They got dropped off last week. Best Pam figures, the purebred breeding mama got knocked up by someone other than her stud, and when the breeder realized, she offloaded the puppies as quickly as she could.”
“That’s horrible.” He pressed a hand to his chest. “How can people do such shitty things?”
“Well…” I considered. “We’ll take Stormy. If she gets along with the puppies, then we can probably bring them home in a day or two. They’ve had all their shots, and they’re fifteen weeks old, so they’re ready to go.”
“They’re just a little bit older than the lab puppies.”
“Yeah, just about.”
“Well, that’s perfect. You can demonstrate on a puppy, and I can take part in the class as a participant.”
“So you can spend time with Daphne?” Jealousy reared its ugly head until… “Never mind. Soren’s more your speed, right?”
He chuckled, but without true humor. “Noah, you’re my speed.”
“But what about when I'm ready to date again? Are you going to be okay with that?” Because although I wasn’t attracted to Soren, there might be other guys out there who would scratch an itch. Or, if I was really lucky, be willing to build a life with me. Of course, if someone moved in here then Christian might feel he had to leave.
I’d feel horrible.
He smiled. “No. But it doesn't matter. You need to understand—I've loved you for twenty years. I'll just keep on loving you in whatever capacity you want me.”
I rolled my eyes. “Oh my God, Christian, that’s ridiculous. As your best friend, we need to sort you out.” Because in no way could he bein lovein love with me.
He blinked. “Sort me out? What does that even mean?”
Inspiration hit. “I know! I'll find you a date. A guy. Now I know why all those girls bombed with you.” I couldn’t be certain this was why Laura eloped with someone else—but the relief I’d always felt at him not being chained to her magnified. Maybe my subconscious had always known he was gay. Or maybe I’d just known, in my heart, how detrimental—how soul-destroying—that marriage would’ve been.
“Uh.” He scratched his clean-shaven jaw. “So, you're not mad at me anymore?”
Own it.I took a deep breath. “I had a lot of time to think yesterday. Yes, you were wrong to do what you did. I mean, it was sort of illegal.”
“Nothingsort ofabout it. If a cop had come along, I would’ve been arrested.”
