Page 32 of Beside the Rolling Waves
She could learn. She’d learned plenty of things over her life. People had called her scrappy and determined. She was stubborn and gritty, and other people raised babies every day, she could too.
And she had Rodney.
She might not like him very much. At all. And he might have been a jerk to her, which was not an exaggeration. But he had always been dependable and smart and resourceful as well. He was also nurturing and caring. After all, he took care of her. When she was just a scrawny little rug rat who climbed in his bedroom at night, looking for things to eat.
He’d taken her in and fed her and cared for her and not turned her in. But made sure that she got directed to the right resources so that she would be cared for too.
Rodney might not have raised babies before, but he helped to raise her, and she had nothing but good memories about that. Just because he decided that he didn’t love her in a romantic way was no reason for her to be mean. She didn’t have to be unkind just because he had been unkind to her. She could be…nice.
She determined that she would. She would put everything he had done behind her. She would not hold it against him. She would forgive.
There. That was what she needed to do as a Christian anyway. That was what she had been resisting. That was what she had been hooked up on. Punishing Rodney. But her inability to forgive was punishing her. She was the one with the bitterness and anger that had been clutched close to her and all of those terrible things that it did to her insides.
Lord, I want to forgive Rodney. He hurt me. He really hurt me a lot, because I trusted him, and I don’t trust too many people. You know that. He let me down. But why am I surprised? He’s human, just like I am, and I’ve let plenty of people down and You, too, Lord. I’ve let You down. Help me to forgive Rodney. Forgive him for being human and for hurting me. Help me to love him the way You love him and to be kind to him.
Maybe her sister knew what she was doing after all. Maybe it was less about who she wanted to raise her babies and more about what she knew Becky needed in her life and soul.
The door opened. Rodney came in.
Now, she had a choice. She could smile and be nice, like she had just forgiven him, or she could continue to be a jerk back to him, because that’s what he’d been to her.
He saw her look, and he paused, then continued in the room. His eyes held a bit of confusion, like he noticed a change in her but couldn’t quite figure it out.
She took three steps forward and met him in the middle of the room, thankful the men had left.
“I’ve not been kind to you, and I’m sorry. You hurt me when you stopped talking to me and wouldn’t take my calls and sent my letters back, and all of that.” She waved her hand, indicating it was in the past. “And I was unkind because of the pain, and I guess I wanted to lash out at you. I’m sorry. I’m not going to do that anymore.” She took a breath. “I forgive you.”
He hadn’t apologized. But he did not need to. He didn’t need to ask for forgiveness in order for her to extend it. He could accept her forgiveness, or he could ignore it. That was up to him. For her, she felt so much better. Just lighter inside. Like she’d swept out the dark corners and gotten rid of the gunk that had been clogging up her soul.
Maybe she literally had.
He blinked. Obviously she’d surprised him. Then, he ran a hand through his hair, which was already standing on end, although it was short and cute. He always had a little bit of wave, and while it was too short for it to be lying in waves on his head, she could see the small tendency to curl, and she allowed herself to smile at it.
He shoved his phone in his pocket and then shifted. “I don’t know where to start. I…don’t really deserve your forgiveness. I haven’t apologized properly.”
“You don’t need to. I really don’t want you to.”
“But may I, please? I’ve wanted to, but…it might take a while.”
“Rodney Blackstone? Becky Rivers?” A nurse pushed open the door and called their names. She looked around the room and saw that they were the only two and they were staring at her. “Come with me. Your babies are ready.”
Rodney gave her a look and then leaned down. “I do want to talk to you. Desperately.”
She nodded and then took a step before she said, “I guess we’ll be spending a lot of time together. I’m sure we’ll find time.”
She didn’t want to talk to him. She didn’t want to hear that he had someone else. She didn’t want to know that he ditched her because city life had been so much better. Obviously he’d only come back for the babies. He wasn’t even here for her now. He was just going to give her some platitudes, and she’d rather not.
But she wouldn’t deprive him of the privilege of being able to apologize. She’d taken that privilege without asking, and her steps felt happier, and her soul sweet, even though her sister was still most likely dying, and even though the responsibilities of raising the twins felt heavy on her shoulders.
“All right, we’re going to ask you to gown up, just because they’re young. You need to scrub right here at the sink, grab a gown from the shelf, put it on, and then you can come in, and we’ll take care of you.” The nurse waited until they nodded, and then she pointed to the packets of soap and said, “There’s soap in those packets. You open it, pour the liquid over your hands and arms, and then use the brush to brush your hands, particularly your fingernail area, and then up your arms. You don’t have tobrush yourself bloody, but just try to get germs off. And then dry off, and put your gown on.”
“All right,” Becky said.
“Got it,” Rodney added.
They brushed in silence, figuring out how to open the packets and pour them over their arms, using the brush to scrub their skin.
“She didn’t say to rinse? We’re supposed to rinse, right?” Becky said.
