Page 24 of Beside the Rolling Waves
It was not her Clydesdale horses, but…it was what she needed in order to be the sister that she wanted to be. She couldn’t be the person she wanted to be without making the sacrifices that were necessary to be that person. Even she, amid her muddled-up, mistake-ridden life, knew that.
Regardless, Rita would not know that she had been crying. She brought the eye drops along just in case she got hit with another crying spell at any point. Hopefully by now, if she cried, Rita would think it was for her.
And it very well might be.
“Are you gonna tell me about what’s going on?”
Rita lay back, her eyes closed. “I had to have car seats in order for the babies to leave the hospital. So, maybe you saw them sitting on the floor in the kitchen. They’re still in their boxes. I… I want to get that and clothes and monitors and bottles and all the things that you need for babies, but… I couldn’t work for the last six weeks, and I needed the money to pay the rent on the apartment. I’m sorry.” She opened her eyes and looked directly at Becky.
Becky wished that she had sold her horses two months ago. She would have, too, if Rita had told her what was going on.
“I don’t understand why you kept this from me. It makes me angry, but I don’t want to waste our last night together before your surgery fighting.”
That was the only reason she wasn’t yelling at her sister right now. Well, that, and in order to be the person she wanted to be, she had to make sacrifices that led her to become that person. Sacrifices like not yelling when she felt like it.
“Thank you. I appreciate that.” Rita went on to explain that they might be taking the cancer out during the surgery and that there was a possibility that she might not wake up.
Becky gasped. “What?” This was not what she was expecting. From her phone call, she knew Rita had said cancer, but she thought she meant a little cancer, like, she didn’t know, something on her finger or something.
No, she knew it was going to be more than that, but she was thinking breast cancer, like they just take the babies and a boob or two.
“Yeah. It’s…a pretty big mass from what they can tell, but I wouldn’t let them do any imaging that was going to hurt the babies. So, since I’m already going to be out, and they want to get it as quickly as possible, they’re going to do whatever they need to do and then take as much as they can.”
“All right. And then you’re going to be better, right?” Becky couldn’t help herself. She had her arms crossed over her chest as though to protect herself from all the hits that she was taking as she paced back and forth at the foot of the bed.
Becky hated it when she paced. Absolutely hated it, but she couldn’t stop herself. This was way too much.
But no, actually it wasn’t as much as what Rita had to say. By the time she was done, Becky needn’t have worried about the eye drops in her pocket. She really was crying, and it wasn’t for her horses. It was for her beautiful, brave sister who was facing the fight of her life and who had already admitted that most likely she was not going to win it.
“So now you see why I needed you. And Rodney. What better people to raise my babies than the two of you? I know that both of you will sacrifice whatever is necessary for their good and their welfare. And I know that you will do whatever I ask, so when I say that my one request is that you and Rodney get along and raise the babies together, I know you’ll do it.”
Rita sounded tired, but she also sounded shockingly cheerful, while Becky could not stop the tears from flowing out of her eyes, although she slapped them away as soon as they hit her cheeks.
“You’re not going to just give up like that. I will not allow it.” She knew she had her older sister’s voice out in full force, and perhaps she was slightly more shrill than what she wanted to be. But this was an exceptional case.
“I’m sorry. But you don’t get to make that call. God does. And I don’t know what He’s going to decide, but… I just have to accept it. And so do you.”
“That doesn’t mean you can’t fight the cancer!” Becky practically screamed.
She needed to calm down. She needed to take deep breaths, just chill. Rita was not being deliberately obtuse, and she needed a cheerleader in her corner. “I will fight it for you.”
“You are going to be raising my babies. With Rodney. I’ll deal with the cancer.”
“I don’t even think we ought to say the C word. It’s like giving it credence or something.”
That made Rita laugh. Becky had not been joking. “I needed that. You’re yelling at me, and I feel like I’m about three years old again.”
“Sorry. I just…” Becky walked over and knelt beside the bed, clasping Rita’s hand in hers. It was cold, and it made Becky want to get her up immediately and take her straight to the hospital. Should her hands be this cold?
“I know. And it’s really not fair. I went through a period of denial and anger and sadness and, I don’t know, just frustration with God for putting me through this. Why me? And then, I thought, why not me, right?”
Becky didn’t want to agree, but it was true. She could ask why not just as much as she could ask why? And the questions were both equally legitimate. She couldn’t really ask one without the other.
“Anyway. I’ve had time to process it. I’ve had time to accept it. I’ve had time to think about God’s sovereignty in my life andhow this is not something that I can change. So therefore, I’m going to surrender to God’s will, fight what I can, but accept what I can’t change. It’s as simple as that.”
“I don’t know if it’s that simple,” Becky said softly.
“It is that simple. You can’t change a thing, so why fight it? Just accept it, and you’ll be a lot happier.”
