Page 36 of Beside the Rolling Waves
“Right? It’s not a matter of you just upended someone’s life, now you’re going to see what you can do in some other family.”
“Yeah. I guess… Guess I wouldn’t want a job with that kind of stress and strife, but I’m glad that there are people who do that, because… Well, first of all, because we have Kevin and Marley. But also because, until the very end, we had hope. If there hadn’t been someone to do the surgery, we wouldn’t have hope at all. She gave us hope, and she gave Rita hope.”
“Do you think? I got the distinct feeling that Rita knew she wasn’t going to make it.”
Again, Rodney said exactly what she had been thinking.
“Yeah. I got the feeling too.” She didn’t know what to make of it though. “I guess I just don’t understand how she could have known. Maybe she had a premonition, or maybe it was negative thinking, and it came true.”
“There is something to that. What’s the quote? ‘If you think you can or you can’t, you’re right.’”
“Yeah. I guess thoughts do matter. I think they matter more than we think they do, but we just aren’t cognizant enough to realize that actions follow our thinking.”
“I’ve often wondered why the Bible tells us to focus on thinking the good things, like that verse in Philippians, where it tells us to focus on whatsoever things are pure and right and good and all that.”
“Yeah. I definitely think that God knows. After all, He made us. He knows exactly how we work and that what we think impacts what we do.”
“I wish He would emphasize that a little more, you know? Like, ‘hey, this is serious stuff, brain science, and you need to live by it.’”
“I still don’t think people would listen, even if God had said that. But isn’t that what the whole Bible is? Brain science? And we just kind of brush it off as old-fashioned and out of date. But when you practice the principles, they work.”
It was interesting, Becky had just experienced that that morning. She had forgiven, and immediately she had felt lighter, better, like she had been scrubbed clean on the inside. God’s principles work. It was just humans who thought they had a better way. None of it sounded good, because it was hard, it was too much, they didn’t want to do it. But if they would just knuckle down and get started, it happened.
Becky realized that all of their conversation was avoiding what the most important thing was. Her sister was gone.
She felt her throat tightening and her eyes clogging up with tears.
She hadn’t believed it was going to happen. She had wanted to think that she could, by sheer force of will, drag her sister through the cancer fight, fight it for her, and be victorious on the other side.
Obviously, God had other plans, and who was she to question those plans?
“Are you okay?” Rodney asked, leaning over like he could feel her emotions trying to get the best of her.
“I think I’m going to need to go somewhere and cry.” Becky didn’t want to admit that. She wasn’t sure that Rodney had ever seen her cry.
“You probably don’t need to go anywhere. I don’t think anyone in this room would hold it against you if you cried because your sister just passed away.”
“I can’t cry here.”
“Why not?”
“You’re not crying,” she said, her eyes narrowing and her words coming out with more force than she intended. Why was he trying to get her to break down in front of everyone? She didn’t do that.
“Maybe I’m waiting for you to start.”
She snorted. “I bet.”
“You’re too prideful, Becky. It’s okay to show what you think is weakness. Sometimes showing weakness is actually strength.”
“Are you done lecturing me?” She wanted to say that he was a jerk, and he didn’t have any wisdom that she wanted to hear, and then she realized he was right. With her words, she just confirmed it. “I’m sorry. You’re right. It’s pride. I don’t wantpeople to see me as weak. But I also just don’t want people to see me right now. Is it okay to want to be alone?”
“I suppose.” He sighed, and then he said, “I guess I don’t want you to leave. I…don’t like the idea of you crying by yourself, but I also don’t like the idea of being alone right now. I… I’m a little bit scared.”
There. She looked away. He’d been vulnerable too. He had accused her of pride, and then he’d gone and shown her that maybe what she saw on him was just a veneer as well. A prideful veneer, designed to not allow anyone to see that he was afraid and didn’t want to be alone.
Is that what he meant about her not crying by herself?
No. She wasn’t going to try to grasp at straws, trying to prove to herself that somehow he cared. She was not going to do that. He had been clear, and she could accept it and be okay with that.
