Page 1 of The Pen Pal
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From:[email protected]
Subject: Uhm, hello? Nice to meet you?
Dear Amelia,
I’m not entirely sure how this works or why I’m even writing this. To be completely transparent, I’ve had a few drinks tonight (birthdays will do that to a man, especially when out with friends), and it seems I’ve impulsively enrolled in some kind of anonymous penpal program called “WriteYourDesires,” which is either a matchmaking service, a scam, or apparently a real thing. We’ll see. At least I didn’t have to whip out my credit card, so there’s that.
Anyway, hello.
I’m Adam (one of the guidelines said there was no need to say your full name and other personal details, but this really is my actual name. Scout’s honor). Just turned thirty-eight today (hence the bourbon or whiskey? I don’t know. I let my friendorder my drink, which is not the best idea. DO NOT EVER MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE AS ME). I work from home as a software engineer, which sounds more glamorous than it is.
I don’t know what I expected from this. Maybe just a message from someone who isn’t trying to sell me something or ask for tech support.
Oh God, this sounds exactly how my ex used to describe me—boring.
Anyway, you don’t have to reply. But if you do, I promise I’ll be more interesting next time.
Regards,
Adam
P.S. Is it weird that this email took me twenty minutes to write? Drunk typing with correct punctuation is a Herculean task. You’re welcome.
From:[email protected]
Subject: Happy Birthday to YOUUU (insert jazz hands)
Dear Sir Adam,
You really need to ask your friend what he ordered. I am so not the smartest gal on the planet but I will never ever ever drink anything I don’t know the contents of. Although I’m known to eat bread past its expiry date, that’s beside the point.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY (yes I know it’s belated because time zones, maybe? But yeah, not putting my address here and you shouldn’t too because I just might be a serial killer out to hunt solitary men who get drunk on their birthdays) BUT still, I can’t believe you joined this whole penpal thingy on your birthday like were you trying to be sad?? Because that is criminal and unacceptable. I should’ve planned your birthday FOR YOU (I’m a party planner, 25, professional cake taster, balloon wrangler, and proud owner of three sequined blazers in varying shades of pink, yes really, a woman cannot have enough sequin blazers).
Also this is my first time on WriteYourDesires too!!! My best friend dared me to sign up because I’ve never had aquote unquote“real boyfriend that makes you proud” (we apparently do not count the 6th grade pirate-themed kiss-and-run disaster which you don’t want to know trust me or even all my flings and hookups), and she says I'm “romantically underdeveloped” which is RUDE but also not entirely inaccurate. I mean, what does that even mean?
Anywayyy I hope your hangover is mild and your inbox is full of good things
Confetti in spirit,
—Amelia (I was going to insert a clown emoji but what if you’re scared of clowns?)
P.S. You’re lucky I’m not in charge of your birthday or there would’ve been llamas and capybaras. Possibly with party hats.
From:[email protected]
Subject: Re: Happy Birthday to YOUUU (insert jazz hands)
Amelia,
First, thank you for the chaotic birthday wishes. I’m mildly terrified of your energy and also slightly comforted by it. Like a glitter bomb that sings.
