Page 29 of August
“Yes. And it was all about him.” Elisa laughed. “Let’s just say I went through a lot of lube because I always needed it.”
“Oh, my God,” Myra said, laughing harder now. “I’m laughing, but that sounds awful. Why did you stay with him? Was it really just the kids?”
“I guess so,” she replied. “But I was talking to my now ex-sister-in-law one day – she’s a little younger than me – and she’d just gotten into a relationship. They’ve since broken up, but the way she was describing how she felt and, well, their sex together made me jealous, honestly. I knew I’d never felt that before and never would with Archie. He’s always seemed so aloof to me; like he knew how I felt, and he felt the same way, but we both stayed together anyway. I think he stayedbecause of how it would look if we got divorced after pretending to be this perfect family, but he also had me at home and could do what he wanted outside of the house because I really didn’t care.”
“He was sleeping around?”
“I’m sure he was. Once I felt like I knew for sure that it had started, I brought up him getting routine tests done, and I specifically mentioned getting tested for sexually transmittedthings. He just nodded at me. A week later, I found the negative test results on our bathroom sink. That was his way of telling me that, yes, he was cheating, and it was my way of telling him that I knew. I got new test results on the counter for a few more months after that, and he still came into the bedroom about once a week, thanked me after, and then left to sleep in the other room. When I stopped seeing the results, he also stopped coming in, and I decided that I needed to go around that time.”
“You deserve someone who loves you, Elisa,” Myra replied. “Someone who wants to be with you and touch you because they can’tnot, and it’s all they think about and all they want. You deserve to be happy, and I hope you find the guy who does that for you.”
Elisa swallowed and turned toward Myra on the couch.
“Well, remember how I told you that there was more to it than just a wife leaving a husband?”
“Yes.”
“Part of the reason I could never really love him as my husband and why I never pushed for more in the bedroom – really, I pushed forless– was because…” Elisa paused to take a deep breath before adding, “I’m not attracted to men.” She met Myra’s eyes and watched her expression turn to confusion. “I’m gay, and I’ve known it since before I even met Archie.”
“You’re… a lesbian?” Myra asked.
“A lesbian who’s never been with a woman,” Elisa said with a shrug. “I figured it out when I was young, but it didn’t really matter. I was pre-med, only focused on school and beinga doctor. I wasn’t looking for anything at all because I wasn’t sure where I would go to medical school and then where I’d match later. It’s complicated, wanting to be a doctor, since you can’t always control where you end up for at least a few years, so I didn’t want anything serious. When I met Archie, I wasn’t out at all. I thought I’d go out with him a couple of times, and that would be it, but I got pregnant, and my whole life changed. It didn’t seem to matter anymore then. Everything went from it being all about becoming a doctor to being the best mother I could be. I’m not sure I was ever really a wife to Archie. I didn’t want to be, and he didn’t need me to be anyway. I started to think about howhewas cheating, and I thought about cheating as well. I figured I could join one of those apps, find a woman who might want to just meet up, and finally experience what sex with a woman was like.”
“But you didn’t?” Myra asked.
“No, I didn’t want that. I’d had sex that meant nothing for years, and I wanted something that actually mattered for once. I wanted what you said before: someone who wanted to touchmeand be withme. So, I didn’t proceed with any of the apps, but Ididcome out to my ex-husband. Suddenly, everything that had been wrong in our marriage had been my fault.Iwas the reason our sex life was bad. I was the reason–”
“Elisa?”
“Yeah?”
“You were in a marriage. That’s two people. He has to own stuff, too. Just likeIhave to own not seeing the signs of my ex-wife being unhappy. I can claim that she never told me that anything was wrong and thatshecheated, butIdidn’t notice anything going on, either, when maybe I should have. Your ex-husband is selfish. You won’t be able to convince me otherwise. He had put his own ambitions and needs over yours and probably over the kids, too.”
“I suppose so,” she said.
“So, you haven’t been with anyone since the divorce?”
“No.” Elisa shook her head. “I’ll never be with a man again, and I’ve just put my focus into moving here, gettingthe kids set up and ready for school, and finding a job.”
Myra nodded and said, “Just… don’t just be with anyone. I mean, I know you want to be with someone who wants you, but some women have a way with other women that makes you want to… take those steps you might regret in the morning. I’ve seen it a lot in New Orleans, especially. You go to a bar. Someone offers to buy you a drink. They flirt and make you laugh. Then, suddenly, you’re back at their place, naked and wondering how you got there, to begin with, because you only planned to have a drink with friends.”
“You sound like you might be speaking from experience,” Elisa noted.
“I might have been the one buying those drinks when I was in my early twenties, and, well, I regret it.”
“Oh,” Elisa said.
“I wasn’t a bad person; I never pressured a woman to sleep with me. But I did like the game of flirting and seeing where that could go. More often than not, itwentback to my apartment, and sometimes, they’d sleep over and tell me the next morning that they weren’t gay, bi, or that it didn’t mean anything. Other times, they’d tell me that they regretted it and that I should’ve been more upfront with my intentions.”
“Wereyou upfront?”
Myra laughed and said, “I literally asked them to come to my place and told them why, so yes. But I guess it’s easier to blame someone else sometimes when you regret something. I don’t think I did anything wrong exactly, but I know why I did it, and that’s the problem.”
“You liked the game,” Elisa said with a nod.
“Yes,” Myra replied. “I liked picking a woman out at the bar. I especially liked it when she was with her friends, and I could get her alone and buy her that drink. It was fun and exciting, and the sex was only part of that. It wasn’t usually all that good. A lot of times, it was just me giving and them taking, not much more than that, but it was the game that got me off, so I’m not proud of that. Technically, that is how I met my now ex-wife, so there’s that.”
“You picked her up at a bar?” Elisa asked and leaned in a little.
