Page 23 of August
“Boys,” Elisa said. “It’s why I’ve been trying to cram as much sex education into AJ and Adele’s brains since I thought they were old enough to hear it. Adele has a good head on her shoulders, but I thought I did, too. It’s so hard to be with someone and tell them no when you don’t want to do it and they keep pressing. I was gay, already knew it, and I still gave in. As far as I know, Adele actuallylikesboys. She might be just like me in that situation. And while I don’t regret it because I have both of them, if I didn’t get my kids out of that night, I think Iwouldregret it. I know I regret parts of it.”
“The sex part?” Gwen joked.
“Well, it didn’t exactly make me want to have sex with a guy again, but no.” Elisa chuckled. “I regret the fact that I wasn’t strong enough to tell him no and actually mean it. Your brother is persuasive, but I should’ve told him that I didn’t want to. I should’ve at least said that we needed to wait for the pill to kick in, and if he couldn’t do that for me, then he didn’t deserve much else.”
“Right about that,” Gwen said, still shaking her head. “I can’t believe that. God, I’ve never had a lot of respect for my brother, but I think I just lost what was left of it. How did you stay with him all this time?”
“Honestly, it was really hard in the beginning, but it got easier over the years, and that was part of the problem: it was easier to stay than go, and I had the kids. I lasted as long as I could, though.”
“I really don’t know how you did. I think that’s strength, Elisa. I know you might not agree, but you stayed with someone you can’t ever give yourself fully to because you thought it was right for your family.”
“Was it, though?” she asked.
“You made a life for your kids, Elisa. I know for some, they would’ve left or maybe not let my brother be involved at all, but you did the best you could. I hate to say this, but my family has one good thing about it, and that’s money. AJ and Adele got to go to a great school, had a pretty nice life, andI don’t think you’ve let them become entitled assholes.”
“They’re on their way there a little bit, but I think that’s because they’re mad about the divorce and me moving. It’s made their goodbyes with friends more difficult, and they’re not understanding yet why me living in the guest house with their father moving on in front of my eyes might be hard for me. I think Adele does, and I’m sure AJ does, too, to some extent, but they’re a little more focused on their lives right now, which is how it should be.”
“You gave them that chance, Elisa. You’re still giving them that chance to have their own lives. They’re going to school, and hopefully, they’ve listened to your talks about safe sex and understand the consequences.”
“I want them to have all the options. If they decide on their own to drop out of school and do something else, fine, but I want it to be their choice.”
“I know,” Gwen replied and leaned forward again. “But we’ve been talking about the kids, my family, and the past for a few minutes now. Let’s try talking about the future.”
“Not much to talk about yet. I had an interview. It was at the last minute, and I wasn’t prepared, so I doubt I’ll get it. It was for a receptionist job.”
“Well, at least it’s an interview.”
“Yeah. It’s only part-time, so no benefits and not a lot of money, but it might be a nice way to transition back into the workforce after taking time off.”
“Could be, yeah. But what about this Myra woman who lives next to you and is, apparently, gay and didn’t mind you touching her?”
“It’s not like that,” Elisa said.
“But could it be? Part of the reason you finally came out was because you’re ready to actually be with a woman, right? And I don’t just mean sex. I meant in general. A relationship, potentially.”
“I think so. But what woman wants to be with a lesbian who’s been closeted for her whole life and has only had sex with one man? I know the kids are grown up and will be outof the house, but Myra said she never really wanted kids. AJ and Adele will still come home on breaks and for the summer. If I got anywhere with Myra, or even another woman, they probably wouldn’t want to have to deal with that; adult children coming and going and possibly getting in the way. No matter what, I’ll always put them first. Will someone understand that?”
“Of course, they will,” Gwen said. “We’re talking about women here. Not all of us want kids, that’s true, but we would understand better than guys, I think, that kids come first to someone who has them. You just have to find the right person. Someone who gets the fact that you’ve only ever been with one guy, and it’s okay with them. Someone who understands that you have two kids who still need you and always will. Those things are non-negotiable, so if they don’t get that you’re ready for something new but you come with some light baggage, they don’t deserve you.”
“Light?” Elisa laughed. “Lightbaggage?”
“It’s not that big of a deal, really. In the grand scheme of things, being a divorced, closeted woman with college-age kids isn’t anything to worry about. You need to find the person who not only isn’t worried about it but loves those things about you.”
“Who’s going to love the fact that I’m a divorced,formerlycloseted woman?”
“Someone,” Gwen replied, shrugging a shoulder. “Trust me, there’s a woman out there who will like being your first. It’s a thing.”
“A thing?”
“Yeah, when older–” Gwen stopped herself. “I don’t mean you’re old. Just that–”
“No, go on. It’s fine.”
“Well, when a woman comes out a little later in life, and she’s never been with another woman, that can be a turn-on for some women. The thing to keep in mind is that you’re not just looking for sex, right?”
“Right,” she said.
“So, make sure you don’t find someone whoonlywants to be your first because it’s a turn-on. Find the one who wants to be your first and maybe you’re only, if you’re lucky.”
