Page 94 of One More Time
‘Your secret’s safe with me.’ Lucy’s hand came to rest on Kim’s knee. ‘Think you need a trash can?’
‘No,’ Kim replied. ‘It’s not my stomach. It’s my head. It’ll pass.’ Kim flopped herself around and sat next to Lucy on the sofa. ‘Now, tell me.’
‘Nicky asked me to go with him. On tour,’ Lucy blurted.
‘Wow.’
‘Yeah. Fucking nuts, right? Can you imagine? Dropping out of your life completely and just following a guy around? On tour?’
‘Yes, yes I can,’ Kim said flatly.
‘What?’
‘I mean, I know where you’re headed with this, because I know you so well it’s fucking terrifying. Still, um, yep. I could totally seemyselfdoing that. Any day. As a matter of fact, when you tell him no, why don’t you go ahead and offer to send me in your place?’
That made Lucy’s stomach churn. The idea of Kim and Nicky?
No. Nope. No, thank you.
‘Kim, if one of my students came to me and said they were dropping out to follow their boyfriend on tour I would tell them that they were fucking nuts.’
Kim leaned back into the sofa and began running her hands through the tangles in her hair. ‘Some nineteen-year-old dropping out of college to follow a stoner and his worthless friends in their garage bandwouldbe fucking nuts. If you’d take a second, you might realize that your situation is vastly different.’
Lucy tugged at the belt of her bathrobe, felt emboldened and steadied by the tight cinch at her waist. ‘Is it, though? Kim, I consumed more Oprah Winfrey than grilled cheese growing up. I have seen the Barbie movie five times. I know my damn worth and the value of my dreams, dammit. I am liberated. I am a fucking feminist. I can’t just walk away from my career – from everything I’ve ever worked for. For aboy!’
Kim sat up to her full Lady Boss stature, spine like a steel spike, golden eyes all business. ‘Number one, Nick Broome is about the furthest thing from aboyI can imagine.’ She locked her gaze on Lucy. ‘Secondly, all of that –all of it– is fucking societal shit. Listen to yourself. Rewind and replay. None of those reasons have anything to do with you. With whatyoufeel. Is Oprah going to sit at your desk in that sad little windowless office for the next twenty years? Is Barbie going to teach your classes? Will Gloria-goddamn-Steinem be coming to check on how well you’ve upheld the modern feminist ideal and reward you for it? We’re not talking about you joining a damn polygamous cult here with husband-masters and a lifetime of servitude. We’re talking about you choosing the life you want. Dreams can fucking change, Lucy. It’sallowed.’
Lucy shook her head, but it didn’t clear. It still felt like she’d been stuffed full of complicated thoughts and couldn’t arrange them in any sort of coherent way. ‘You don’t know what it’s like. It’s so much.’
Kim closed her eyes and threw her head back. Exhaled in a dramatic huff. ‘I do. Idoknow.’ When her eyespeeled open again, she said, ‘I left the firm. I’m leaving lawcompletely. I fucking hate it. And I’m done.’
‘What? When?’ Lucy sputtered.
‘Before I came out to Vegas,’ Kim said sheepishly.
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘You had enough going on with the wedding and the panoply of ex-husbands.’
‘Kim—’
‘And, if I’m honest, I sort of thought you’d give me some version of that Oprah-feminist garbage and try to talk me out of it.’
Failure.It was the only word Lucy could form at that moment. She’d failed Devin. And Kim. She’d failed at casual. She’d failed at keeping her shit together. Lucy’s tears started up, free and unrestrained. She didn’t even try to hold them back.
‘Kim, I’m so sorry. I would never—’
That wasn’t true, Lucy realized. She probably would have given some dumb lecture. She was a college professor, after all; lectures were sort of her go-to.
Lucy started again, ‘I’m sorry you felt you couldn’t tell me. How do you feel about it? Do you feel good about it?’
That was the right thing to ask, right?
Kim’s shoulders sagged a little. It made her look young and vulnerable. Lucy reached out and grabbed her best friend’s hand. Kim said, ‘It’s scary as shit. But I feel great about it. I really do. I feel like a huge weight has lifted off my shoulders.’
Lucy bit back all the panicky questions that were begging to tip out of her gaping mouth.What about money?Security? All that time you dedicated to your career? All that effort for what? To waste it? What about everything you sacrificed to get to this place? You’re just going to throw it away?
She said none of it. Instead, Lucy asked, ‘What are going to do now?’
