Page 78 of Playing the Field
I end the call before he can say anything that might make me change my mind again. But it doesn’t stop me staring at my phone for a long time afterwards, wishing he’d call back and tell me I’m wrong and that he can’t live without me. When he doesn’t, I eventually come back round to thinking this is the right decision. This is not the life I want for myself, and I need more from a relationship.
It’ll be hard trying to find another guy who lights my world up as much as Ben has during our few months together. But I’d rather be with someone less enthralling if it means they’re at least present. That’s what I’ll have to keep telling myself anyway.
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Despite it being my decision to end things, I sink into a depression after that call. I play the conversation with Ben over and over in my mind and, when I wake up the next morning, my new reality hits me like an eighteen-tonne truck. It’s over. There won’t be any more conversations with Ben.
I hardly leave my room for three whole days while I question whether I’ve done the right thing. Should I have held on a little while longer before walking away from the man who might just have been the love of my life? But much as I might want to, I can’t escape the fact that it wasn’t working.
On top of that, I start fretting about the fact that I’m twenty-four, not earning an income and still living at home with my dad. I know he’s told me not to worry while we’re still in the throes of establishing Crawford United, but I can’t do this forever so I need to start working out what kind of job I want and how to fit Crawford around it.
Assuming there still is a Crawford United by the end of the season. My financial projections are optimistic if I base them on the ticket sales of our first three fixtures. But unless the rain stops and we start winning some games, there will likely be some downward adjustments as all the fair-weather fans lose interest.
Not for the first time, I wonder if Dad, Cassie and I need to switch up the team, swapping in more of the reserves. Caspian will be standing in for Aaron for at least the next three weeks and is blending in pretty seamlessly. Do we bench Bailey as well, till he’s back to his best? Craig, to see if Billy Holt should have been our number-one striker after all? But when I bring it up at training on Tuesday evening, Cassie is adamant we already have the strongest players in our starting line-up and that they just need a bit more time.
I’ve told her and Dad about Ben, so I don’t need to explain my red, puffy eyes to them, or why I look like I haven’t slept. But it doesn’t escape Bailey’s notice, perhaps because he’s the only other one on the team who doesn’t think I broke up with Ben a few weeks ago.
‘Don’t take this the wrong way but you look terrible,’ he says when I call him over while the players are having a drinks break, to check how he’s getting on with quitting the vaping. ‘And there I was thinking Ben wasn’t handling this well,’ he adds.
‘Is he not?’ I can’t help asking.
‘He’s devastated,’ Bailey admits. ‘Are you sure the two of you can’t fix this? It seems so stupid when you clearly both still want to be together.’
‘That’s not going to happen as long as Georgina’s around. But don’t worry, we’ll both find a way to make our peace with it.’
He offers a sympathetic smile then turns back to where Cassie is resuming her training drills, without me even having had the chance to ask about his vaping. But at the end of the session he asks for a moment of everyone’s time, announcing there’s something he wants to share with us all.His addiction,I think, based on the way he glances at me. And he’s probably going to ask for their help in beating it. Good for him.
‘Let’s hear it,’ Dad encourages.
‘So, er, I like to think we’ve all got to know each other fairly well since we first met a few months ago. For instance, we all know Elliot still hasn’t passed his driving test after three attempts and that Scott watchesLove Islandby choice, not just because his girlfriend makes him.’
This gets a laugh. ‘Yeah, you big girl’s blouse,’ Thomas teases.
‘But there’s something I want to tell you about me, now a certain situation has come to a head.’ He rubs the back of his neck as he looks from one team mate to another, and I realise he’s nervous. ‘The thing is...’ he takes a big breath. ‘Okay, I’m just going to say it. The thing is, I’m gay.’
‘Oh thank God,’ Jamie exclaims, clutching Elliot’s arm as if he’d been about to collapse. ‘I thought you were going to say you were leaving us to play for the Rovers.’
Bailey snorts. ‘Please! Give me some credit. I’m not disloyal; I just like men. Not you lot, though, before you start freaking out because you think I might have been checking out your dicks in the showers. My type is skinny and nerdy, not beefy and stupid, which you’ll see when you meet my new boyfriend.’
‘Can he play football?’ Craig asks. And now I’ve recovered from my surprise, I love that this is anyone’s first question.
‘Absolutely not. He’s a bona fide exercise hater. But he’s incredibly funny and he means the world to me, which is why I no longer want to hide him away. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been agonising over whether to say anything– not because I’m ashamed, but because there’s still such a stigma about gay men in football.’
‘Not in this club,’ Dad assures him, and I don’t think I’ve ever felt prouder of our team as they all vocalise their agreement.
‘Thank you,’ Bailey says, one hand placed over his heart. ‘You have no idea how good it feels to be able to stand here and be proud of being me.’
‘I can’t believe you think we’re all stupid though,’ Aaron says, grinning to show he’s not really upset about it.
‘But beefy,’ Craig reminds him, which kicks off a round of competitive bicep flexing that gets everybody laughing.
‘Are we allowed to make jokes about playing for the opposition?’ Scott asks, now the mood has got lighter.
‘Or coming from the offside position.’ This is from Nico and gets a round of sniggers, but Bailey takes it with the good humour that’s intended.
‘You can even joke about who’s got the worst tackle,’ he says. Then he puts a finger across his lips in a hush sign and whispers, ‘It’s Aaron,’ which makes everyone laugh again.
‘Whatever.’ Aaron rolls his eyes, but we all know he’s just pretending to be offended.
