Page 75 of Playing the Field
Which should make me feel reassured, but instead makes me seethe. He might want me to think he’s keeping her at arm’s length, but the fact is, he didn’thaveto see her last night; hechoseto. When he was supposed to be with me.
‘And she actually believes that? She didn’t ask you in?’
‘Well, yeah she asked me, but that doesn’t mean...’
‘She asked,’ I interrupt, oddly triumphant, like it proves some kind of point. ‘Which means she thinks there’s a chance it’s going to happen. Which of course she would when you’re seeing her every other evening.’
‘I’m not seeing her every other evening.’ I can tell I’ve got his back up now. ‘I just found myself unexpectedly free on Saturday night and she happened to ask if I wanted to do something. I didn’t realise it would be such a big deal.’
‘Of course it’s a big deal, Ben. Can’t you see where this is going?’
‘It’s not going anywhere. I don’t know why you’re picking a fight with me.’
‘She clearly thinks it is! And I’m supposed to just sit here and be okay with it. Well I’m not. And I can’t believe you think I should be.’
He doesn’t answer straight away. The only sound is the click of his car indicator and my own heavy breathing.
‘I can’t get into this now,’ he says quietly. ‘I’ve got this meeting.’
But there’s no ‘let’s talk later’, I notice, so I practically shout ‘fine’ down the phone at him before I cut him off. Then I instantly regret it. What the hell am I doing? I’m never usually like this. I blame it on the hangover, even though I know it’s not the real culprit.
I type out an apology, then delete it– twice. My stubborn streak tells me this is for him to make right, not me. So I text Phoebs instead.‘Got time for a girl chat?’
‘Always,’she replies.‘Am I coming round or are we going out for coffee?’
‘Here’s probably better. I’m not dressed.’
‘Oh dear, this sounds bad. Hang fire, I’ll see you in twenty mins.’
I don’t do much beyond stare at the ceiling till she arrives. I romantically thought Ben and I would never have an argument, but now I realise how naive that was.
‘I feel like I’m pushing him away,’ I confess to Phoebs, when she’s made herself comfortable on the end of my bed. ‘I don’t want to ruin it, but it’s like I can’t help myself.’
‘I hardly think you’re the one who’s ruining anything. He’s asking a lot of you; it’s little wonder you’re stressed out about it.’
‘I just don’t know how to handle it. If he talks to me about her I hate it. If he doesn’t, it feels like he’s hiding things.’
‘Has he ever hidden anything from you before?’
‘No, but we both know he has secrets. His suspension, for example. He never, ever talks about that.’
‘I didn’t think you were concerned about it.’
‘I wasn’t, but now I’m questioning everything.’
‘You’re a good judge of character, Lily. I don’t think you would have given Ben the time of day, let alone the whole summer, if you didn’t think he was worth it.’
I want to believe her, but I can’t help thinking if we fell in love so quickly, couldn’t we fall out of it just as fast?
Phoebs thinks we just need to time to adjust to our new set-up. ‘And in the meantime, you’ve got another match to prepare for, and you’ve got your exam results this week...’ She sees my eyes go wide. ‘Don’t tell me you’d forgotten?’
‘There’s been so much else going on.’
She shakes her head disbelievingly. ‘I’ve already got my outfit planned for our big night out on Tuesday. Results day.’
‘I’ll be at training,’ I point out.
‘You can miss one session on the day you finish university.’
