Page 66 of Playing the Field
‘I want you to know this wasn’t my idea,’ he says, his eyes finding mine. ‘The PR team are saying I still have some damage control to do, to coincide with my return to the squad.’
This time I just wait for him to say whatever it is he has to say, so he takes a deep breath and finally gets to the crux of it. ‘There’s going to be a girl.’
I feel the colour draining from my face. ‘What kind of girl?’
‘She was on some reality show or other, and now she’s apparently one of the nation’s sweethearts,’ Ben explains. ‘The thinking is that if people believe I’m in a relationship with her it will help some of the sponsors forget why I’ve been off the team. And her agent’s thinking is that if they want to get her name in the papers more often, linking her to me is a good way to do it.’
‘And what, you’re supposed to go out on dates with her? Get photographed with her? Are you supposed to sleep with her?’
‘I don’t have to sleep with her,’ he says quickly.
‘But if she’s yourgirlfriend?’
‘I don’t have to sleep with her,’ he repeats. ‘It’s just a set-up by our PR teams. It only has to look like it’s a real thing.’
I feel myself getting angry. ‘Did you even tell them about me?’
He looks away, which answers that question.
‘You must have known how this would make me feel, Ben. I can’t believe you’d agree to it.’
‘I wasn’t given a choice,’ he says defensively. ‘It’s either this or spend the rest of my time at Millford on the bench.’
He sighs again and rubs the back of his neck. ‘I’m not ready to hang up my boots yet, Lily– I’m only twenty-two. This is not what I want, but my PR advisor is adamant it will help my public image, and if it’s what I have to do to save my career... I know it puts you in the shittiest situation, but if there’s any chance you and I can still be together– in the background, I guess, till my reputation is deemed sufficiently repaired... I’ll understand if you just want to walk away, though. I know it’s far from ideal.’
‘I don’t want that,’ I whisper. ‘But how can we possibly make this work now?’
I get that his career has to come first, of course I do, but it was going to be hard enough dealing with the long distance without adding this to the equation. ‘What about me coming up to stay with you? What if we get spotted on our spa trip?’
‘I know the logistics are trickier, but we managed to keep it a secret before. We can do it again?’ He says it more like a question than a statement. ‘Or we can just tell everyone we’re really good friends. They know I’ve been helping out at Crawford so it would be perfectly reasonable for us to still want to meet up.’
‘Every weekend?’ I shake my head at the impossibility of it.
‘It will probably only be for a month or so,’ he says, his voice small. ‘I know it’s an absolutely dickish thing to ask you to be okay with this, but I have to ask you anyway. I don’t want to lose you, so could you please, maybe, just roll with it until the dust settles?’
I’m so conflicted my whole body feels like it’s shaking. How can I say no to him when he sounds so tortured? And wouldn’t I be a fool to throw away what we have over something which, like he says, is only temporary? But the thought of him with this other girl... I’ve never considered myself the jealous type before and yet I can’t bear it, even if it is just for show.
We stare at each other, neither knowing what else to say, until a single tear of frustration bursts free and trickles down my cheek.
He reaches across to brush it away, then pulls me into an embrace, but I can’t bring myself to put my arms back round him yet so they hang limply by my sides.
‘I’m so, so sorry,’ he says into my hair. ‘I didn’t want our last night together to be like this.’
It’s not what I want either, so I turn my head up to kiss him, willing my pain to go away. But hard as I try to lose myself in the moment, I can’t stop feeling like this is going to ruin everything.
The tears start rolling down my cheeks more readily.
‘Please don’t,’ he whispers. ‘I love you, Lily. This isn’t where this ends.’
It’s the first time he’s said it and it hangs in the air between us while a small part of me flares with anger– how can he be saying this now, of all times?
But I finally manage to pull myself together and find some resolve. I love him too. We can’t let our relationship fall to pieces over something neither of us wants and which will eventually go away. So I decide there and then I just won’t overthink it. I’ll enjoy these last few hours we have together then we’ll do whatever we can to keep it alive until it can be like this again.
‘I love you too, Ben,’ I tell him. And this time I do put my arms round him and kiss him like I mean it.
We undress each other slowly after that and our lovemaking is gentle and more heartfelt than it’s ever been. Afterwards we sit out on the couch on his terrace, wrapped in dressing gowns, his arm round me as I lean against him.
‘Do you really think we’ll still be able to meet up secretly?’ I ask.
