Page 62 of The Dance Deception
‘I don’t know what I’m going to do. I need time to think.’
‘I know it looked bad but, honestly, nothing happened.’
‘Let’s just talk about it later,’ he says, ending the conversation.
We don’t speak again for the whole cab journey home. I keep my head down and just scroll through my phone. My Instagram following has really spiked after the news that I’m now living with Aleksis. Suddenly more than twelve thousand people want to know more about me. I try not to let that terrify me.
I text Lucy to see if she’s around for a chat later, but she doesn’t reply. She’s probably with Aiden, having a lovely time, and for a second I allow myself to feel jealous. I’m glad she’s so happy, of course I am, but today it just reminds me what a shambles my own love life has been lately. I wonder if I’ll ever get it right.
Back at the flat, Aleksis goes straight off to his room for a bath and tells me to help myself to whatever I want in the kitchen. I should be starving, but the strained atmosphere has killed my appetite, so I grab a glass of wine, which I drink too quickly while I beat myself up for being such an idiot – again.
I’m working my way through my fourth glass and am far from sober when Aleksis finally emerges from the bathroom. He looks sexy with his wet hair glistening and his skin flushed from the hot water, which only makes me feel more forlorn. Why couldn’t it be him who was into me instead of bloody Merle? Why can’t I just end up with a nice guy for once? I feel my eyes getting watery with a combination of alcohol and self-pity.
‘What’s wrong?’ Aleksis asks irritably, clearly still angry with me.
‘I’m fine,’ I reply unconvincingly.
He pours a glass of water and hands it to me, attempting to extract the wine glass from my other hand at the same time, but not before I manage another slug.
‘I’m not going to tell Sofiya, okay?’ he says. ‘It won’t help anyone.’
A tear escapes and rolls down my cheek.
‘Don’t do that.’
I look away, but he can tell I’m crying.
‘Hey,’ he says more gently. ‘What’s that for?’
‘Because I’m making such a mess of this,’ I sob. ‘I don’t know why. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve just been convincing myself I’m okay with everything – with Liam and Merle and the photos and everything – when reallyI’m not. Or if it’s the pressure of the show. But it’s too much. I’m crumbling.’
‘You’re being hard on yourself. You’ve had a lot to deal with.’
‘But I could have dealt with it so much better. I kissed him,’ I confess, my tears in full flow now. ‘Merle, I mean.’
His body stiffens.
‘Not today. At the first rueda practice, after it all blew up with Liam. He made a move on me and for a couple of seconds I kissed him because I wasn’t thinking rationally. I was so angry with Liam and I was just caught up in the moment. It made me feel awful and I wish it hadn’t happened. It was so stupid and now I feel like I’ve ruined everything and you probably hate me.’
‘I don’t hate you,’ he says quietly, but he’s standing so still I can tell he’s shocked.
I’m vaguely aware I should probably have saved this revelation for a conversation with Lucy, but I plough on anyway, fuelled by wine and regret.
‘I nearly ruined all our hard work. And for what? For a stupid kiss with an awful man who has no idea how to treat other people. I don’t want to waste my time on someone like that. I don’t want to be sneaking around grabbing secret kisses with someone who’s just biding their time till something better comes along. That’s not what I want.’
‘Perhaps it’s time to start thinking about what you do want,’ he suggests.
‘I want this.’ I wave my hand between the two of us. ‘To be with someone nice, who makes me feel good aboutmyself and makes me laugh. I wantthis, the bloody fairy-tale.’
‘But this isn’t real.’ He says it gently, like he’s trying to soften the blow.
‘I know.’ I sniff, rubbing my eyes and smearing mascara across my cheeks. ‘And that’s what makes all this so much worse.’
The pause that follows is so long I think Aleksis must be trying to think of a polite way to tell me he regrets letting me move in and would like me to leave. I could hardly blame him. And my heart sinks when he eventually he says, ‘Look, if we’re going to do confessions tonight, I’ve got one as well.’
I can’t believe we haven’t even managed to make it through the second night.
‘Let’s just say, I really don’t like the thought of you with Merle, okay?’ he says softly, like he’s not sure he should be admitting it. ‘And it’s not just because of Sofiya.’
