Page 75 of Foul Territory
Koa stares at the bag in my hand as I fiddle with the strap, wrapping it and unwrapping it around my fingers.
“Why are you really here?” he asks again, bypassing my diversion tactics altogether.
“I don’t know.” My head falls forward and my shoulders slump.
“Will you sit down?” He scoots over and gives me enough room to sit and still leave some much needed space between us. I decide to sit facing him. If we are going to have this conversation, I’m going to do it head on.
I stare silently at his comforter while he stares at me. I guess I’m going to have to start. I might as well admit what is holding me back. “I’m scared,” I whisper.
He readjusts his position on the bed, inching himself closer to me. “I’m scared too.” He places a hand over mine and removes the strap of my bag from my grasp. It was a nice distraction. “I’m scared you’re going to walk away. I’m scared you’re going to move to another state and that’s going to be the end of us.”
“That was my plan. Leave after graduation and never look back.”
“You said it was your plan. What’s your plan now?”
“It’s still my plan. I’m leaving after graduation,” I answer. He rolls his lips and nods slowly. “This, you and me, isn’t healthy. Whatever it is that makes us this way…” I sigh. “You need to let me go. Every time you interfere in my life I have to start the process of getting over you all over again. You said things at Nash’s party that undid any progress I made.”
“Then don’t get over me. I’m not sure how I’m going to be able to walk away from us—from you—if you do. I won’t stop trying until you let me in and give us a second chance.”
I scoff. “You keep asking for a second chance. When did you give us a first chance? You ran before we even got started,” I say, pointing a finger in his direction. “We werenevertogether. You took my heart, crushed it, and then left me to put myself back together again.”
“I’m sorry. I made a bad decision. I should have gone back to Nash and told him to fuck off. I should have told him how I really feel about you. How I’ve always felt about you. I didn’t fight hard enough back then but I’m fighting now.”
“I can’t keep doing this,” I say, wiping a lone tear from my cheek.
“Doing what?”
“Hoping and praying. Hoping I’m not going to wake up in the morning like I did before and everything you said will be null and void. Praying you don’t change your mind. Take your pick. I have a million reasons why we should give up and move on.”
“And I have one that says we shouldn’t. My world has revolved around you since the moment you entered it,” he claims, and moves to the floor, getting on his knees. He puts a hand on either one of my thighs and twists my body so I’m facing him.
“There is no more hoping. No more praying.” He squeezes my hip. “There is only me proving to you that I am yours. That I have always been yours.”
“But you haven’t. You treat me—my heart—like a toy and you don’t even realize you’re doing it. I’m like a damn yoyo to you. You throw me out and pull me back in. It’s time to cut the string.”
“How am I supposed to do that?” he asks.
“It wasn’t hard the first time. I’m sure you can figure it out again.”
“You think that’s what I’ve done?” He jerks forward. I’m forced to push my knees apart and let him get closer to me. “You think I let you go? Baby, I’m holding on to you as tight as I can. It may feel different to you because I’ve had to do it from a distance. But there is no part of me that has let you go. If anything, I feel like I’m holding on for dear life. I’m desperately trying to keep any part of you near me.
“Maybe you’re the one who keeps pulling away. Maybe instead of cutting the string, I need to put a giant knot in it so you can’t get away from me anymore,” he says, gripping my hips tighter.
“What if that’s not what I want?”
“What do you want? Whatever it is, I’ll give it to you.”
“I want the broken pieces of my heart to stop stabbing me in the lungs so I can breathe without feeling any pain. I want to be able to look at your face and not remember what it feels like when your lips are pressed against mine. I want to be able to look at my brother and not blame him for stealingmy best friend away from me. You were mine first,” I shout. “Mine. And you left me…you left me.” I swallow back tears but I’m afraid it’s too late as they begin to trickle down my cheeks.
“Baby,” he whispers, pulling me into his arms. I should fight him but I’m too tired. “I’m so sorry. I’m going to make this right.”
“I already told you. It’s too late.” Just saying the words has my mouth drying out as if my body is preserving all the water for the future tears I’ll cry when I’m back home alone. “I told you there's someone else.”
He pulls away slightly. I already miss being cocooned in his arms and having my cheek pressed against his chest.
“You can’t be serious right now. You’re going to pick Joe over me? Over everything we have? He was making out with another girl as soon as you left the party. I know you. That’s not the kind of guy you’re looking for.”
“Wehave nothing but memories.” I slide off the bed and walk across the room. I can’t think with him so close to me. “You’re right. Joe isn’t the guy for me.”
