Page 93 of In You
Sarah nods. "Has this affected your intimate life?"
Caleb pauses, and this time I speak up. "Apparently I haven't switched during us being intimate."
She nods, taking notes on her tablet. "What's the plan if this does happen?"
I bite my lip, looking to Caleb for guidance, whose features morph into a mask of decisiveness. "There's not really one other than I'd stop immediately. Emotionally, I don't know if I could handle this, if it happens. I-I'd feel like a monster. Like mymom."
My hand flies to my tummy, cradling our tiny baby.
"But you're not!"My breath hitches and I reach out a hand to his arm. "Caleb, you're nothing like her. You're considerate and sweet to me, and patient andunderstanding."I begin to panic, thinking I see him wanting to leave me. Not wanting me anymore. My heart begins to race, and I tighten my fingers so hard on his that a flash of pain shoots up my newly healed wrist.My speech comes out rapid and just as panicked sounding as I feel. "You are not your mother! You are not Calvin.You are not one of my daddies! You're different! You're different, you're different, you're different!"
My face breaks, and I put my hands to my cheeks as I turn in the seat, facing him head on, feeling my heart racing.
"Daddy, you're different. You're not like Mr. Calvin. Mr. Calvin hurt me, and he was always doing stuff to me and letting other people do stuff to me."
Daddy closes his eyes for a second and then opens them at the sound of a new voice that scares me. I gasp, whipping my head around to find a lady on a screen. She looks nice.
"Tamryn, look at me," she says.
I frown. "I'm Cunty."
I look up at the pretty woman with long black hair. She has nice eyes, and a nose ring. My eyes go wide. "Oh. Who areyouuu?"I ask, leaning into the screen and touching her face. "Are you my sister? You kinda look like me."
She's so pretty.
The woman smiles. "Hi there. No, I'm not your sister. My name is Sarah, and I'm just here to talk to you for a little bit. Is that okay?"
I nod, and roll my lips, my eyes flickering around. I pick at my scarred finger and look at daddy, reaching forward to tug on his hand. "Daddy, I'm thirsty."
Daddy looks at me and then gets up, walking to the kitchen. I want to go with him so I can see if the dogs need food, but he's coming back through the door before I have a chance to get up to go after him.
"Are you safe with Mr. Caleb, honey?" Ms. Sarah says.
"Yes. Nothing's going to happen to me when I'm with him!"
"Honey," Ms. Sarah says in a soft voice. "Why did you feel like being here with us today?"
My chin quivers, and my eyes well up with tears as I pout. "Because daddy thinks he's a monster and he's not!He's not, Ms. Sarah!And I just want him to know how much I love him!"
I look over at Daddy who sits back down on the couch. "I love you, too," he says, putting a glass of water in my hand.
When the condensation slicks over my fingers I freeze, blinking.
I tilt my head, closing my eyes and then open them. My heart rate slows and I just stare at the screen in front of me.
"I want to go lay down," I hear myself almost as if I'm talking into a tunnel. My voice is hollow, a bit disembodied sounding. My body slumps weakly against the back of the couch as I feel utterly drained.
"Of course, Tamryn-"
"It's Camilla."
"Of course. I'm so sorry…Camilla,"Ms. Johnson says, giving me a nice smile.
"I haven't seen you in a while," I whisper, taking a sip of water. "I'm sorry for being so rude, but I'm really,reallytired." I put my hand to my stomach, lowering my eyes as acute embarrassment fills me. "The baby is sapping all of my energy. I hope you understand."
Ms. Johnson nods. "Of course, Camilla. I'll see you hopefully at our next appointment."
I nod, thankful when Caleb helps me off the couch. "I'll finish up with Sarah and then I'll be on in to lay down with you. Okay, my love?" he says, bending down to give me a kiss on my forehead.
