Page 92 of In You
My lips quiver, and sympathetic tears flood my eyes making him blurry as I see him go back in time. His entire body tenses up, his leg begins to jiggle, and his hand gets clammy in mine.
"Take your time, Caleb. This is a safe space." Sarah, who has the kindest eyes I've ever seen in my life, settles us into a comfortable silence. Patient and understanding as she always is.
"When I was seven I killed her."A vacant look enters his eyes, and because he's emotionally suffering something inside me tugs, pulling and yearning to get closer to him. Because he's willing to go back into a dark place for me, to help me through what I'm going through.
To heal so we can move forward together.
Though I knew he'd killed her, we've never gotten into the specifics of what happened. And though I'm curious, nothing in me wants him to relive that night if it means he loses more of himself.
"You don't have to share," I whisper, rubbing his leg. "Baby, you don't."
He turns his eyes to me and then looks down to where our hands are, linking our fingers together. He swallows hard, and then shifts in the seat.
"I don't know what it was about that night that was different from the other nights. Maybe it was the fact that my sister Flora sued my mother for visitation of me and had just won. And for once I felt a glimmer of hope. That there was someone out there that was fighting for me. Whowantedme. Someone I felt was…safe…"
Caleb falls silent for a second, his eyes narrowing as his thumb flutters over my fingers.
"I'll never forget how my mom looked and acted the day before I was supposed to visit with my sister for the weekend. It wasour first visitation together. My mom was anxious, a bit wild that day. I remember her doing everything perfectly. The smell of the freshly washed laundry she'd had me put away in my drawers. She'd even made three solid meals that day," he scoffs, "instead of the usual cereal and milk for breakfast, and boxed mac and cheese for lunch."
His voice fades, and pauses for so long that I think we've lost him. I flutter my thumb across the back of his hand when he looks to the side, away from both me and Sarah, and his voice goes even lower.
"She'd made meatloaf for dinner. It's my favorite. That night she touched me like she thought it would be her last time. She was more…freverent." His deep voice rings out, but yet, it's hollow. "Her body felt heavier than it normally did on mine. Her hands never left my chest. Her nails left bloody marks in my skin.She called me by my dad's name when she orgasmed,"he whispers. "Ironically, there were nights I'd call for him too for help. Sometimes I'd be angry at him for leaving me."
Looking down at my lap, I stay silent as a single tear falls down my cheek. There are no words for the heightened anxiety that's flowing through my body in response to his truth, and the tone in which he tells it.
I know I went through my own torturous year with my abuser, but a part of me wonders how it is that my mind split, but yethisdidn't. I love him way too much to say that it isn't fair, but it is definitely curious.
Caleb heaves a deep breath, sitting forward to scrub a hand down his face. Every muscle in his body is tight, almost vibrating under my touch. "I got up that night when she'd rolled off me and went to sleep, grabbed a knife from the kitchen, and plunged it right into her chest. Straight into her heart, because I wanted her to feel how hurt I was inmyheart…"
This time when he falls quiet, he doesn't move to continue to speak.
I sniff, losing the fight against my tears. Utter silence settles around us, and Sarah thankfully breaks it so I don't have to. I feel ashamed for not knowing what to say or do, and I feel that relentless tug pull even harder, but I beat it back.
"Thank you for sharing that with us, Caleb. That must have been so hard to go through. And as achild."She takes a deep breath and leans a bit further into the camera, her eyes turning serious. "You had a visceral, human drive to protect yourself against someone who meant you harm. You were so,sobrave."
Caleb makes a rough, disbelieving sound in his throat. "Brave," he parrots, now looking directly at the monitor."I don't know about all of that."
Sarah nods soberly. "Yes, Caleb. Seven-year-old you wasbrave.And maybe that's what's drawnTamryn'sseven year old alter out when you're the most vulnerable. Maybe she comes out when she feels like you need someone innocent, someone that you know won't harm you."
Oh…
Sarah's eyes turn to me. "Tamryn, do you feel when you change to your seven-year-old alter? Do you remember anything about it?"
I shake my head. "No." I look at Caleb, and shake my head. "I'm sorry," I murmur. "I would like to be here for you asTamryn…not as…" I trail off, not wanting to call myself what that monster named me.
But it's not even that I don't just want to come to him as my seven-year-old alter, I also don't want to come to him as Camilla.
I want to come to him asme.Why aren't I good enough by myself?
Does he love her more than he loves me?I think, feeling almost irreparably sad.
"It's okay, love," he says, making my heart skip a beat at the endearment, clinging to hope that maybe there's a small chance in hell we can make a relationship work. His eyes bore hard into mine, making me feel breathless and needy. "You don't need to be sorry foranything."
Our fingers tighten around each other, but Sarah breaks our spell. "Caleb, how does it make you feel when she goes into her child alter? How do you handle it in the moment?"
His dark eyes flicker and crinkle at the edges as he thinks. "The first time was…hard. It wasveryshocking to see Tamryn like that. Knowing what was done to her to make her that way…" He looks at me, addressing me directly now. "I just try to be whatever you need from me at the time. That first night I met your inner child, I was the ice cream man."
I melt, shrugging my shoulders up to my ears as a wave of vulnerability travels through me."Aw."
