Page 91 of In You
I tear my eyes from him and lower the puzzle piece to the table as my heart stops beating, my lungs freeze, and the blood in my veins turn to ice.
"Camilla-"
"It's Tamryn," I whisper, feeling my eyes well up with tears. "And I….I don't know.I can't remember the last time I had a period."
His normally hawk-sharp eyes turn warm as they glide over my face in a thorough assessment. "Okay," he says slowly, "do you feel any different?"
I think hard, even putting my hands to my tummy. "No. At least, I don'tthinkso. I feel fine. Like I normally do."
He's silent for a second before sliding off the couch and sitting next to me on the floor. A heavy hand lands on my knee andrubs, but it doesn't give me one iota of comfort as the panic begins to swell, removing all the peace I'd hadjusta minute ago. "Want to go get a test?"
I turn my head, staring at him silently imploring him to see how bad this is.
"Caleb….I can't remember the last time I had a period." A tear makes its way down my cheek and I sniff, refusing to look away. It's justnowoccurring to me that I could be pregnant. Or is it? There's just too many lapses in my memory that I can't trust myself anymore. "I can't-" My breath hitches as it sinks in just how bad it is that someone like me is pregnant.Oh my God."I can't have a baby, Caleb."
We're going to be fine…
I blink rapidly, wiping my fingers across my face as the worst thought ever comes to the forefront of my mind. "Oh, fuck. What if it'shis?"
"Hey," he says softly, bringing his hand up to my hand and then thumbing away a tear. "You've been here too long for that. It has to be mine. Don't cry, my love. We're going to get a test and just see what happens. There's nothing to be worried about, okay?" He leans forward, placing his forehead against mine. "I'm with you through it all, baby."
I nod as an ugly, gasping sob escapes my lips. He pulls me in and I bury my face into his chest as he rocks me.
Two hours later after traveling into town, we're back at home with six pregnancy tests, all of them showing I'm pregnant. I'm having a baby.
Me.
And two weeks later, an obgyn confirms I'm two months pregnant.
One Month Later
“How have the alters been affecting your relationship?”
I shift my weight in my seat, twist my fingers in my lap, and clear my throat softly as I refocus my attention on the monitor in front of us and cross my legs, swinging my foot anxiously.
"Uhm," I say with an embarrassed half-laugh. "Can you repeat the question, Sarah? I'm sorry, I was a little distracted." I cast a sheepish glance at Caleb, who's sitting relaxed next to me with his arm along the back of the couch where we're sitting across from the monitor. His fingers stroke my shoulder in a comforting caress.
Sarah, my therapist, gives me a kind smile and nods. "Yes, I asked how have the alters been affecting your relationship? Have they been coming out more since you found out you've been pregnant?"
I'm just now getting to the point that I'm accepting that I have three other personalities that are in my body, which accounts for the lapses in time. I just wish that there was a magic wand that could be waved that could fix this. Undo the damage that's been done to my psyche. I'm obviously safe now, so why hasn't my mind gotten the memo yet?
My lips tighten and my gaze goes down to my clenched fingers in my lap. Caleb speaks up, obviously seeing I'm stuck.
"She changes from Tamryn to Camilla pretty frequently," he says in a level voice. "As you know, a glass of water is a trigger. However, we can't just deny her water that she needs for basic function."
Sarah gets a solemn look on her face as she nods her head. "Yes, of course."
"However, there was a bit of time where she refused to drink water at all, wanting to stay as Tamryn. And it took a lot of assurance on my end that her switching to Camilla doesn't bother me. That her switching period doesn't make memad."Caleb pauses for a minute, rubbing his finger across his lip as his gaze drops from the monitor to the table as he muses on a clearly disturbing thought. He must sense my rising anxiety, because his fingers tighten on mine, and his eyes go back to Sarah's. "Nathan only came out one time when she was threatened by a few male strangers. We aren't exactly sure what the trigger is for her to turn into Cu-" He bites off my seven-year-old alter's name, clearing his throat softly as his eyes flick from mine then back to the sweet-tempered therapist. "Tamryn's seven year old alter.She doesn't come out often. But eight times out of ten I can get her back to Tamryn with a glass of water if the alter isn't too agitated."
She nods, taking a brief moment to scribble in her notepad. "When have you found her to come out, Caleb?"
"Lately, it's usually when I myself am in some sort of crisis."
Her head raises, focusing on him now. "What do you mean?"
Caleb sighs a deep breath and then scrubs a hand down his face. I can tell this is an incredibly uncomfortable conversation for him. One that, though is seemingly getting better, is still a source of contention.
"Because of my mom's…" Cutting off his words he pauses and averts his face from both of us. I place a hand on his thigh, loaning him what I hope is some semblance of strength."Because when I was five years old, my mom started molesting me. Raping me. And when I was seven, I…."
