Page 73 of In You
She disappears into my bedroom, and I groan, bringing my hands to my face and scrubbing, rocking back and forth as I try to make myself calm down. The shower turns on, and then she comes back out, sinking to the floor just beyond my feet. She lays all the way down, putting her cheek to the floor and rests her hand on my ankle.
I shudder.
"Come on, baby. You can do it," she says quietly, looking up at me from the floor.
I gaze at her, wondering if she thinks I'm less than. Wondering how much of a fuck up she thinks I am. If she really thinks I can even protect her.
If I'm even her savior anymore.
"Camilla,"I choke out thickly, holding a hand to her and grabbing her wrist.
We sit there as I hang on, and eventually, I'm steady enough to climb to my feet. She gets up, her legs trembling and shaky. She walks in front of me, and I'm grateful because I don't want her to my back right now, and leads the way into the bathroom.
We get into the master bathroom shower together, and bathe on opposite sides, both sliced open and our hearts swirling down the drain. I can feel us calling for each other, but it hurts too bad for me to make the first move. She wets her lips, takes a hesitant step forward, and then holds her hand out to me. I take it, pull her in, and just rest my head on the top of her head and cry until I can't cry anymore.
She doesn't try to wrap her arms around me.
She doesn't try to touch me.
She just lets me be.
When we're done we lay down together in the same bed, with Ringo and Tink between us, our fingertips linked, and fall asleep.
"Caleb!"
Gasping and covered with sweat, I wake up out of a horrific nightmare that has sunk its claws so deep in my psyche I can't even breathe right. I fall out of bed and hit the floor ontomy side, throat straining as my eyes stare unseeing into the darkness.
I gasp, choking as my mother's phantom touch slithers across my chest again.
Gagging, I crawl blindly towards the bathroom, only knowing where I am based on the feel of the rug beneath me, and the little dresser that sits next to the door. I let out a tortured sound when I make it to my hands and knees and finish crawling into the bathroom. Ragged gasps escape my throat as I make it to the cabinet under the sink and grab the big white and blue bottle, twisting off the cap and then stop up the clawfoot tub.
My fingers shake as I turn the water on hot and then pour out the rest of the bleach that's in the container. About a third of the container.
Steam billows from the tap. The smell burns my nose and stings my eyes but as soon as the jug is empty, I climb in with my sweat pants on, grab a rag, lather it with soap, and start scrubbing. Through my tears I see Tamryn on her knees in the door of the bathroom half cloaked in shadows with the back of her hand to her mouth, tears streaming down her own face as she watches me breakdown.
The tub is half full, and my skin is pink and full on raw, and damn near burned by the time Tamryn's head pops into my vision, and I watch through blurry eyes as she plunges her arm in and pulls the stopper out. Then steps in with me with her pajamas on also, being careful to settle to the side of me, not on top of me.
"Caleb,"she says in a patient tone that lets me know that she's back to being Tamryn now."What did she do to you?"Tamryn whispers, trailing her fingers down the side of my face. She grabs my hand and then brings it up to her lips, kissing my knuckles. I close my eyes, a muscle working in my jaw as I stare blanklyat the shower wall in front of me. "Tell me honey, let it out. It's okay, you're safe."
"She-she raped me,Tamryn," I say hollowly, shivering despite the boiling hot water that's slowly draining out of the tub. "She used my body for-for…
I can’t even say it. But she used me to replace my dad.
Tamryn patiently keeps her lips pressed to my knuckles, squeezing lightly with her fingers. "She can't hurt you anymore, I won't let her."
"She's in mym-mind,Tamryn," I gasp as tears fall down my face. "She's in there and I can't get her out. I can't-I can't get her out!"
"I won't let her hurt you."
"Moms are supposed to love you, Tam. Like yours does." I begin to sob, putting my head to my knees just crying it out.
There's silence, and then she shifts next to me. I look up, wiping my hand roughly down my face, getting ready to tell her we need to get out before she gets a chemical burn. However, what happens next stops me dead in my tracks as if a thousand gallons of ice cold water was just dumped on me. The body-wracking chills come and they don’t stop.
She gets a serious scowl on her face, tilts her head, and then bops me on the nose with a light finger.
"It's going to be okay, Mr. Caleb. I'm right here with you, and I'm not goinganywhere!We don't need mommys because we haveeach other."Seven year old Tamryn nuzzles into my neck, and starts to hum a lullaby.
I move my arm and clutch her to me, staring in shock at the shower wall as she sings to seven year old me.
