Page 68 of In You
That fucking anxiety comes back, because I don't want to talk about mothers. Especially after early yesterday morning. Hearing Tamryn cry out for her mom fucks meup.
I meet her eyes warily, then shake my head no. I'm so torn as to how much to tell her. Tamryn's not like Camilla. Though she's curious and even sweet at times, she lacks the acute vulnerability that Camilla has. The vulnerability that taps into mine, and makes my defenses go down.
With Tamryn, I find myself wanting to dominate her, to break that thing inside of her that's mistrusting and pushes back. I don’t want her to see me weak.
"No mother," I say in a rough tone. "Can we drop it?" Seriously, it's too much after yesterday. But she just won't fucking listen. Heaving a deep sigh, I scrub a rough hand down my face, feeling my thighs tighten now, the tell-tell sign that I need space. But she won't get a clue.
"What happened to yours?Mymom died of a heart attack."
My stomach sinks. Because Camilla knows, but Tamryn doesn't and I don't know if I can bring myself to tell Tamryn. I don't even know if I can bring myself to talk about it. I'm still fucked up over finding her on the floor eating dog food and talking like a child. My eyes snap to hers. "Tam, why are you fuckingpushing?"
"Because I can tell it's eating you alive!" she says, her big brown eyes going wide. Her nostrils flare with how passionate she's being, and it hits me; she wants to fucking save me.
Save me.
I rub my fingers over my eyes and groan at the pure irony of it all. "Tamryn, please stop. I can't. I just can't today."
Goddamn it, will you just listen to me?I think.
You'd swear I said it out loud based off her visceral reaction.
She snaps her head to mine. "So am I not supposed to talk about momsever?To be expected to never talk aboutmymom?"
I clear my throat. "I just….can we not?"
"You're taking my freedom away from me, you're not taking my ability to talk about my mom too." She makes a soft sound in her throat, and it's got my body tightening up.
I gesture with a hand, irritated. This is the most I've heard the word mom in years. I can't fucking deal with the shit. I'm too drained. "I'm not telling you to not talk about your mom. All I'm saying, is if you could please just not bring it up rightthis very second,"I snap.
"Said just like a man with mommy issues," she breathes, scrunching her nose, and shaking her head.
It's like a punch to the gut.
I lean forward, narrowing my eyes at her. "Do noteversay that shit to me again, Tamryn," I say in a hard voice, not able to control my tone."Ever.Do you fucking understand me?"
"Jesus." Her eyes go wide as she leans back in her chair, away from me. "Caleb, what happened to you?"
I shake my head on a rueful chuckle, giving her a shrewd look. "Just about the same thing that happened to you. Except it was mymomthat did it. Not my lover."
Ignoring her stunned look, I get up and toss my cigarette without another word, bound down the stairs, and make my way to the shed. Needing something to take my mind off everything.
25
Hate
Tamryn
Icleanupthedishes, feeling so angry I could break them all one by one on the floor.
This is more than just him keeping me here. This is hurt and pain that needs understanding. I want to know why. Why? What did I fucking say or do to that monster to make him want to isolate me from the world and hurt me the way he did. And is Caleb going to do the same thing to me too? Because this is how it started withhim.
I turn my eyes to the knife block, contemplating for the second time to try and kill him in a desperate bid for freedom.
I refuse to be a victim anymore. But then I think about the sweet moments of vulnerability Caleb's given me. I just know he's got pain like mine. It feels fresh, unhealed, desperate for understanding. I can't kill him. I have to try to save him first. Before he turns into Calvin.
Before he hurts me.
I toss the leftover food from breakfast in the trash and place my hands flat on the sink, staring out the window towards the shed he'd disappeared in not even an hour ago. I'm seething mad. I want answers. Abouteverything.About why I stare up at the ceiling at night and can't remember huge chunks of the last year.
