Page 65 of In You
She puts her hand back between her legs and scratches. I wince as I hear a couple pieces of the dog food hit the floor, and I snap my fingers hard in a warning when Tink crawls close, sniffing up her leg."Lay down,"I growl through my teeth quietly, giving Tamryn a bright smile when she gives me a confused look and begins to lower onto her side. "Not you, darling. Just keep eating, and when you're finished then maybe we can watch a cartoon."
She sits back up and then gets a little smile. "Wow!" Her eyes go round."Reaalllyyy?"I nod soberly. "It's a good day. Mr. Calvin never lets me watch cartoons!" She shoves another bite in her mouth and then sighs.
I'm so sad. So goddamn sad.
Fuck. My. Fucking.Life.
My fist clench in misery. This is my punishment for killing all those people. I must have died at some point and gone to the very center of hell after all. My skin itches when she reaches down to scratch again. What the fuck did that man do to her to have her so out of her mind like this?
"Can you… can you take that out of you, please?" I ask softly, my eyes flickering back to hers.
She gives me a nod and then spreads her legs, reaching back in there. I turn my back to her and then lean forward, grabbing the trashcan and sliding it behind me and closer to her, keeping my back turned so she can have privacy. The fact we're dealing with this so close on the heels of the raw intimacy we shared is going to stay with me forever, along with everything else.
"Good, now throw it away."
It's only when I hear the sound of the kernels finish hitting the bottom of the can do I chance a look over my shoulder. She'sblowing a big breath between her lips, making her thick curls fluff out.
"Thank you, daddy. I feel better now. That wasitchy. Itchy, itchy!"she shudders.
I'm never going to be able to erase the sound of her little girl voice out of my head. Even if I opened the top of my head and poured the bleach straight into my brain. The sound has gone into the same folder that houses all the fucked up shit my mom did to me. And if I ever thought my heart was dead before, then I was a fool. It's very much alive.
And it's so thoroughly broken it may as well be dead.
"I'm not your daddy, darling," I say hoarsely.
Her lips quiver, and her hands clutching the bowl lower to her lap as her eyes go wide with heartbreak."Okay,"she says in a thick voice, her bottom lip poking out.
A high pitched sob tears from her throat, and her face contorts as she begins to cry in a way that's so distraught that it's discombobulating.
"Oh no, oh no, no, no. Don't cry, darling. It's okay."
Big fat tears slide down her cheeks, and snot mixes with the mess on her face."I want my mommyyyy. Where's my mommyyyyy?"
I freeze as my stomach rolls again. Oh fuck. Fuck. Fuck.Fuck.
I can't do this.
Ringo whines, heaving a big sigh as he keeps his head on the floor. Tink shivers. Her tail wags every once in a while, but then immediately stops. The dogs don't even know what to do.
Ice cream mixes with the dog food smeared on her lips and chin, and I keep my eyes on hers, feeling like a piece of shit as her eyes show heartbreak. Everything in me wants to get her a glass of water, but if I do that and she switches to find herself in this predicament, what the fuck would happen?
I can't chance it.
I get up and wet a few paper towels, then go back down to the floor, wiping her face gently. When I'm done, I pull her to me and rock her. Her hands go to my chest as she looks up at me. And you know what, I couldn't care less. This is my girl, and I'm making sure she's safe.
"Are you sure you're not my daddy?" she whimpers. "You're so nice."
"No I'm not. But, Iamthe ice cream man," I say with a smile. "And I'll give you as much ice cream as you want. Whenever you want it!" I chuck her under the chin, trying to make it believable.
By some act of divine mercy she conks out fast, and I pick her up, carrying her to the shower and then turn it on. Laying her down on her back, I feel tears sliding down my cheeks as I reach a finger into her and dig out all the dog food she missed and then fill a little squirt bottle with water. Squirting it inside of her until I'm sure she's clean and her skin won't be irritated.
Then I lay her down in my bed and then go into the bathroom and then start myself a bath. I pour a healthy glug of bleach in, and then scrub as hard as I can until I don't feel my mom's touch on me anymore.
A few hours later Tamyra walks out the back door, folding her arms. She's in another cardigan set. A deep green one, seemingly abandoning ever wearing a dress ever again."I've been waiting for you to come to breakfast,"she snaps irritably.
I hold back a sigh, putting my cigarette to my lips.
"Good morning, Tamryn,"I say in a weary tone I can't help.
