Page 64 of In You
There was no dog becauseshewas the pet.
Shewas thechild.
Raising my head, my fingers dig into the wood, turning my knuckles white as every nerve ending in my body comes alive. I see red. Becoming so angry that I wish I could dig that man up and kill him all over again. My skin crawls as memories of my own abuse swim to the surface, taunting me further as I begin to imagine her going through all sorts of unspeakable shit.
Feeling lightheaded, I turn my head and spit; drawing on every fucking lesson about control that Frank Jackson taught me, every ounce of strength I've amassed in my adulthood, and all the times I could tolerate my sister rocking me in the middle of the night when I was first adopted, and look at the sky.
"I haven't asked for a single thing from you. Ever. But if you don't give me the goddamn strength to go in there and figure thisshit out, when I die, I'm coming after you." Then I turn, heading back inside.
First thing I notice is she finished the food and put a little scoop of dried dog food in the bowl, and is reaching for another can of soft food.
Not even caring about how she might flinch or be scared, I walk to her with purpose and take the can out of her hand, putting it back in the cabinet. I rip off my t-shirt next, pulling it over her head so she's not naked anymore.
When I'm done, I grab a mortar and pestle along with two of her sleeping pills and sit back on the floor, staying silent as I try to gather my thoughts and emotions. I toss them in, beginning to grind them into a fine powder. Another loud crunch sounds out, and my mouth pulls down at the corner as I fight being sick again, though there's nothing else to throw up.
"I'm still hungry," she whines.
Looking over, I'm proud of myself for managing to give her a very small smile. "I know," I say. "And I'm making you a treat. Do you want an ice cream, sweet-" I immediately cut myself off. Calling her sweetheart feels wrong right now. "Cun-" I snap my mouth shut, looking away on a grunt.
That's fucked up.
Nope.Not doing it.
I take another deep breath and force myself to smile again. "Would you like ice cream?" I look down at the pills, satisfied it's in a fine enough powder, and then when I look back up, I freeze again as I see her reaching between her legs.
I stare in complete shock, transfixed as she very obviously is shoving hard pieces of dog food inside of her vagina.
My throat works on a hard swallow that I'm surprised doesn't choke me clean out of here. I can't let it. What the ever loving fuck would this woman do if I died right now?
The pestle audibly clanks against the mortar I'm shaking so hard.
"Don't do that," I whisper hoarsely, feeling desperate as she blatantly ignores me. "Hey." I snap my fingers. Nothing. "Hey, Cun…Cun…Cunty,"I call trying to get her attention, feeling sick to my soul when she brings her eyes to mine."Why are you doing that?"
Oh, God. Why are you doing that?I think, fighting the urge to rock myself.
She licks her lips, speaking in that little girl voice that I'm probably going to hear in my goddamn nightmares along with everything else I have to suffer through. "Because Mr. Calvin said when he got back with my daddy, that he wants to watch him eat this out of my girlfriend."
The mortar thumps to the tile floor as my brain breaks.
Horrified, I leap to my feet and lunge for a bowl I see in the drain. Abandoning any sort of decorum, I hurriedly dive in the freezer, knocking shit out of the way as I root around for the vanilla ice cream. I grab it out and scoop exactly one small scoop into the bowl, and then smash the sleeping pill powder in. I lower to my knees and hand it to her, ignoring the wetness glistening on her fingers as she takes it from me.
"Thank you, daddy. It's so nice to have ice cream."
Oh Jesus, this is bad.
Closing my eyes, I take another deep breath trying to keep my voice calm. "I'm not your daddy."
"Oh," she says simply, getting a little frown line between her brows and her shoulders shrug up around her ears. "I have a lot of daddies. I thought you were one, too."
My heart shatters at what that implies. I can't bring myself to ask any more questions. I refuse.
"I'm not your daddy, darling," I repeat.
There.Darling'ssafe. I think…
"You're not?" Her brows scrunch together in confusion as she puts the biggest bite ever in her mouth.
"No."
