Page 48 of In You
The knife trembles because her hand shakes so bad, and her big brown eyes, full of tears, flicker between mine.
She's obviously scared; her chin quivers, her chest shudders with high pitched, desperate sobs.
"Drop it," I growl. Her breath hitches in her throat and I loosen my grip on her neck, fluttering my thumb across her thrumming pulse. Lowering my voice, I lean in close enough for our breaths to mingle."Drop it, baby."
She doesn't.
The knife trembles even more, and vulnerability etches every feature as we stare each other down, neither one of us willing to yield. My heart rate ramps up within my chest, going purposefully slow as I move out from under her. The minute her body is off mine, I calm and let go of her neck, and can see things a bit clearer now that my heart isn't trying to gallop out of my chest. We face each other, her on her knees in my bed, and my feet firmly on the hardwood floor.
I let go of her wrist, and keep her gaze, tilting my head. "Is this what you need to feel better?" I say softly, bringing a hand up slowly to her face. My fingers tremble as I bring them to her cheek, caressing gently. "Do it," I whisper, feeling my own eyes well up with tears because, I too am currently lost in my own hell.
I remember distinctly how freeing it was to sink that knife into my mom's chest.
And at the sheer pain bottled up in this woman that I lust after so much, I'd give her anything, I think.
Even this.
Letting go of her wrist, I pull off my shirt. Baring my skin to her. Something I've never done before, and bring my fingers back up to her cheek. "I'm right here," I croon softly, bringing my other hand up until I'm cradling her face between my palms.
Her eyes are two wide pools of despair, a vein pops in her temple, and her cheeks are red and tear streaked. She trembles within my hold, small pants escaping her throat as she continues to hold the knife aloft.
Something flickers in her face, like the grip of the nightmare finally loosens, and she comes back to herself.
On a soft gasp she unclenches her fingers, and the knife crashes to the floor with a dull thump missing my foot by mere inches. Relief so strong that it almost topples me washes overme in waves, and I crash her to me as she cries, looping her arm around my neck and sagging against me as she falls apart.
I put my lips to her temple and rock her slowly side to side. "What happened to you?" I ask her gently, rubbing my hand in soothing strokes down her hair. "What happened, baby?"
She swallows hard, almost choking on this next gasp. "He-he…"
"It's okay, you can tell me."
"He broke my arm!" she wails, sobbing. "A-And he almost cut my finger off! Every time he'd rape me he would h-hurt m-m-me, Caleb!"
I hold her to me tighter as she just cries and cries. "It's okay, let it out," I say in a soothing voice.
"A-And he wouldn't let me eat, and there were days I went without water for so long I felt like I was swallowing razor blades…o-or not being able to take a b-bath or brush my teeth."
My strokes become more fervent, now stroking down her back almost to her hips now as I work to soothe every bit of her. "You're safe here, Tamryn. I'll never do that to you." Careful of her arm, I continue to rock her, and eventually her crying ceases, but the sniffing and shaking doesn't. "Did you have a nightmare, sweetheart?"
She nods against my shoulder. "Yes," she responds.
Her shaky voice pulls at my heartstrings, and I press my lips to the top of her hair. "I have them too, you know."
She pulls back, her eyes searching for mine in the darkness. "You do?" she hiccups.
I nod. "Hmhm. Bad ones."
"Like,hold-a-knife-to-someonebad?" she whispers.
I melt, shaking my head. "No… sometimes I wonder if it'd be simpler that way." Her eyes search mine, and I sigh, my eyes falling from hers. "Like bathing inbleach,bad. Like trying topeel my skin off so I don't feel my mother on top of me anymore, bad."
Tamryn gasps, my clue that she hasn't switched yet at this point. My chest aches, and I struggle with my shame, not able to look her in the eyes until her left hand comes up to my face now, cradling me much the same way I was with her. "Caleb, I am so,sosorry. You didn't deserve that."
I bring my hands up to her wrists, gripping loosely. "Tamryn, will you…" I trail off, my eyes sliding to the rumpled covers of my bed and the two pillows laying side by side. Desire for something normal rises up to live alongside the pain that's been with me since I was a child.
"Yes?" she asks.
"Will you sleep with me tonight?"
