Page 44 of In You
"Little bit," I concede, not wanting to lie to her. But I'm also wondering how much longer we have until Camilla shows up and sees the flowers in her lap.
She gets a funny look on her face and then bites her lip. Sucks her entire bottom lip in her mouth and then bites down so hardshe winces.
I frown, eyeing her. "Whoa, whatcha doin' that for, sweetie? Your lips are going to hurt."
She cuts her eyes to me and then blinks. "I just realized, she never got a chance to see me with Calvin." A tiny smile breaks across her face that seriously concerns me and almost makes me fly into a panic. But before I can say anything, she puts her fingers to her mouth as a little disbelieving giggle escapes her lips, and she makes wide eyes at me.
I roam her face, not knowing what to do.
"Don't you see? She never got to see me be a statistic anyways. She died before she got to meet Calvin. ThedayI met him, actually."
"Oh wow," I say, feeling stupid. "Well, that's…"
She huffs such a deep breath that the flowers shudder in her lap and I tense, ready to snatch them out of her grip should she try to throw them through the window.
"Fortunate,Caleb," she says loudly, scaring me. "That's what it is. Like divine intervention or something!" She snaps her eyes to mine. "Do you believe in that?"
I arch a brow. "What?"
"God. Caleb," she says with a little eye roll. "Do you believe in God?"
I pause, taking a deep breath of my own and narrowing my eyes at the tombstones around where we're parked. Each one of these was a life lived, a story told. And one day, she and I will be in the ground right next to all of them. And I wonder for the first time that if there is a life after death, where would I truly end up.
"You know, Tamryn," I say lightly. "I think I do now."
She smiles. "Yeah. I think I do now, too."
"Really?" I ask curiously. "Even after everything?"
"Yeah, I lost my faith there for a while, but my life has been so fucked up with one thing after another that therehasto be a plan for me, I think."
The silence swells between us while I muse her words. Wanting to put myself out there, but then not wanting to be rejected. "Do you think I'm a fuck up?" I ask gruffly, feeling vulnerable.
She gives me a long, slow look that causes every muscle in my body to tense up. "I don't know. I think it's fucked up you won't let me go. I understand your reasons, but I still think it's fucked up because Iwon'ttell on you."
Not sure I believe her, I nod, going quiet. "I get that…I'm sorry. Hey," I say, sitting back up and turning to face her. I gather some courage and touch a hand to her fingers over the vase. "I'll walk with you and carry the flowers for you, alright? You don't have to be alone."
If you would have asked me even three hours ago if I'd ever visit another person's mother's grave with them, the answerwould have been a solidno.But I can't tell this woman no. Only when she asks me to let her go.
On our way to her mom's headstone it hits me like a ton of bricks that Tamryn just alluded for the first time that she remembered I killed Calvin that night. It gives me a sliver of hope that this identity integration method might just work after all.
Tamryn doesn't switch back to Camilla. Staying in town for a bit longer we have dinner and go get a facial. Apparently it's her and her mom's thing. And now, it's ours.
I got one too.
17
Mistrust
Tamryn
"Tamryn,pleasetalktome," Caleb says, but I don't bother responding.
I sniff, sinking deeper into the covers and press my lips to Tink's head. It's a week after visiting my mom and I'm just…sad.
"Sweetheart, I know you're having a hard time, but you can't stay locked in here." His voice sounds resigned. "You missed your therapy appointment with Sarah this morning…"
"I don't want to talk to anyone," I call. My voice trembles, betraying my emotions.
