Page 25 of City of Secrets and Shadows
“Merchants hear things,” Marcus replied with a shrug. “Especially merchants who deal in luxury goods and sometimes need to... ease their way past imperial tariffs.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Are you telling me you’re working for a smuggler?”
“I’m telling you I’m working for a butcher, a businessman who values discretion and rewards it well.” His smile held a hint of the old Marcus — the one who had taught me that survival sometimes required moral flexibility.
“And here I thought you wanted an honest life,” I teased.
His expression sobered. “I want a life with you in it, Livia. The rest is negotiable.”
The simple declaration stole my breath, and I had no response as we made our way back to the apartment in silence, my thoughts in turmoil.
Three nights before the trials were set to begin, I found myself unable to sleep, my mind racing with all the details I needed to remember, all the ways our plan could go wrong. Careful not to wake Octavia, I slipped from the bedroom and was unsurprised to find Marcus still awake, seated by the window looking out at the moonlit city.
“Can’t sleep?” he asked without turning.
“Too much in my head,” I admitted, joining him. “What’s your excuse?”
“Old habits.” He echoed my words from our first morning. “In the ludus, night was the only time that truly belonged to us.”
I knew what he meant. Despite the brutality of our lives there, the quiet darkness had offered rare moments of peace, of conversation, of connection.
“Do you miss it?” I asked, surprising myself with the question. “The ludus?”
He considered for a moment. “Not the place. But some of the people. The simplicity of knowing exactly what was expected each day.” His eyes found mine in the dim light. “Knowing you were near.”
My heart quickened. “I’m near now.”
“Are you?” His voice was soft, but the question cut deep. “You’re here, but sometimes I feel like you’re already gone. Already focused on what comes next.”
I couldn’t deny it. Even as we prepared for the trials, my mind was racing ahead to the academy, to the Emperor, to my revenge.
“I have to be,” I said finally. “This plan — it requires my full focus.”
“And after?” He asked the question I’d been avoiding. “If you succeed, if you kill the Emperor and somehow survive... what then, Livia?”
I looked away, out at the city that housed the man who had ordered my family’s destruction. “I don’t know,” I admitted. “I’ve never let myself think that far ahead.”
“Perhaps you should.” His hand found mine on the windowsill, warm and calloused. “Perhaps we all should.”
The touch of his skin against mine sent a familiar heat through my body, awakening memories I’d tried to bury. Nights in his cell, stolen moments of pleasure amidst the horror of our lives. The way he’d made me feel seen, valued, when the rest of the world treated me as property.
“Marcus,” I began, not knowing what I meant to say, only that I needed to say something.
A floorboard creaked behind us. Tarshi stood in the shadows, his expression unreadable as he took in our proximity, our joined hands.
“Forgive the interruption,” he said, his voice carefully neutral. “I was just checking Livia was not sitting up worrying.”
I withdrew my hand from Marcus’s, guilt and confusion warring within me.
“We were just talking.”
Tarshi inclined his head slightly. “Of course.” He turned to leave, then paused. “Dawn comes early. You should both rest while you can.”
He returned to his bedroll and I rose. “He’s right. Tomorrow will be busy.”
Marcus caught my wrist gently. “Livia.” Just my name, but weighted with everything unsaid between us.
I met his gaze, saw the questions there, the hunger, the hope. “Goodnight, Marcus,” I said softly, and retreated to thebedroom, more confused than ever about what — and who — I truly wanted.
