Not Dear Diary,
I fucked up…
I fucked up so, so bad and more than once.
It all started so good. Cal invited us over to his house after football practice for some cold lemonade and those delicious mint cookies his mom, Lily, makes. But even before I could take a bite of one, it all went to shit.
I blame the weather. And my dick that’s been out of fucking control lately.
And nearly naked Julie freaking Lovinski.
Fine, she wasn’t anywhere near naked but the way her tiny knit crop top sat on her tits…it was illegal. Her pearly taut stomach was all open to my eyes, covered in those cute freckles.
I’d been dreaming more and more about them. About kissing them…kissing her.
I’d been imagining what it’d feel like to just walk down the street, holding her small hand in mine and making sure every fucker in this town knew who she belonged to.
I’d been wishing she was the one wearing my jersey this Friday night at the football game. I’d been wishing a lot of different things and most of them ended with her in my arms.
I knew I was losing it when I started imagining how our life together could look in the future and that alone is the scariest secret I’ve ever shared here.
I was taking it one day at a time. I was moving slowly because I wasn’t surehowto move here. Whatwasthe right way?
But then I saw her working on her garden in the backyard in that damned crop top and all caution went out. I knew I was staring at her for too long. I knew my dick was throwing a fucking party in my shorts. I knew it all but what I didn’t know what that while I was watching Julie, her brother was watching me, and in a flash my back was up against the wall and Cal asked why I was looking at her like I was about to come in my shorts?
Because I was, was at the tip of my tongue. As were far deeper, scarier truth. But before I could say something, Luke saved my ass.
I don’t know what he knows but he told Cal, all the guys looked at his sister like that because she was hot-as-fuck.
I knew Luke didn’t see Julie like that. I knew because I tracked all the fuckers around her and he wasn’t one of them, which means he simply saved my ass by having his put on a line of fire—or up against the wall—along with mine.
Cal gave us a stern look and pointing a threatening finger from Luke to me proceeded to crush every fucking dream I’ve built.
“Don’t. Even. Think. About. It. Both of you,” he said. Luke shoved him off with a snort and Cal dismissed him, but not me. And I had nothing to say back.
So, he did the talking instead. He said that even if he would be okay with that, Julie wasn’t for me. She wasn’t ever going to leave LC. She loved our crazy town, embraced the weirdness of it all and felt more than comfortable here when I wasn’t.
I was going away as soon as I could, and it wouldn’t work and then it would feel all weird between him and I because I’d break his sister’s heart, and he’d have to break my nose and a few ribs for it.
Everything he was sayingweremy words. Iwasplanning on leaving. I didn’t want to stay here. There was no point in falling in love with Julie, but for some reason all those words tasted foul in my mouth.
They tasted like a lie. Here was my chance to tell them I wasn’t sure what I was actually going to do after high school. That leaving didn’t feel right. That I still needed time. Here was the chance to come clean to Cal that I’ve liked his sister for far longer but when Callum narrowed his eyes at me, I denied it all. I denied looking at her like that. I denied liking her.
I was a coward because I wasn’t sure I could stay here for Julie while leaving her felt like taking a knife to my heart.
And I lied again.
I told them I liked Kimmy and when they grinned, slapped my back and started to plan how I should ask her out, I almost felt normal. Almost like I was supposed to.
Until I looked out the window.
G.O.
***
Not Dear Diary,
Please congratulate me, I fucked up again…or didn’t?