Page 73 of My Grumpy Fire Chief Next Door
He looks like he’s been through hell. Like hecrawledthrough it to get here. His jaw is clenched and his eyes are red. And when they meet mine, it’s like something inside me stops. A full breath I didn’t know I was holding.
The spoon slips from my fingers into the bowl. I set it down without looking, already walking to him.
He doesn’t speak. Just keeps staring like I’m the only thing in this whole town still standing. Like I may vanish if he blinks.
“Noah?” I say, unsure. He looks bad.
I hook a hand around his elbow and open the door.
He doesn’t wait for an invitation. Just steps inside beside me, and then his knees seem to buckle, and he hits the floor.
My hand flies to my mouth.
He’s shaking badly, his shoulders hunch over.
“I’m sorry.” He says softly and hoarsely; it seems to be coming from the deepest part of him.
Another beat, and it pours out of him like he’s been holding back the tide too long. “I’m so damn sorry, Kate. For pushing you away. For not saying anything when I should’ve… when you needed me to.”
I step closer. Not touching. Not yet. But I’m already reaching for him in my heart.
“I wanted to,” he says, breath ragged. “God, I wanted to. But I didn’t know how.”
His voice cracks. He looks up at me, and I swear I see every wound he’s been hiding.
“I lost her,” he whispers. “Josie. We were kids. We were 18. She got pregnant with my baby, and I gave everything up for them, college, baseball, all of it.”
He raises his head, but it seems to take all of its strength. “I stayed because I loved her, I became a firefighter, and I could picture our family together. I built the house so I could be with her and our baby; we had something extraordinary together.”
My heart clenches, and I can already tell where this is leading, but I don’t interrupt or touch him. I’m afraid he will unravel if I do anything.
“And then, there was a car accident. She was seven months along and had severe blood loss before we got to the hospital. The doctors did all they could, but they couldn’t save her or the baby.”
My knees nearly give out. Josie’s story is so similar to how I lost Parker’s father.
Noah bows his head, like saying it out loud takes pieces of him with it.
“I never thought I would find what we shared in anyone. But I see you… and Ifeelagain. I see Parker, and I can’t stop thinking about how I wasn’t enough to protect my baby. And then you smile at me, and it’s like I’m back in a world where thingscanbe good, and I don’t know what to do with that.”
I kneel beside him. Not touching, just breathing beside him. My throat feels tight. My chest aches. And still, I don’t interrupt. He needs to let this out.
“I didn’t think I could ever love again without betraying her. But lately…” He laughs, broken and bitter. “Lately, I’ve been forgetting her face. I close my eyes, and it’syourvoice I hear. Not hers.”
His hands curl into fists. His knuckles are white.
“I hate myself for it.”
I reach out then, slowly and carefully. My fingers brush his knuckles, and the moment our skin touches, he trembles.
“You don’t have to hate yourself,” I say quietly. “You’re still here, Noah. You’re still living.”
He shakes his head.
“I don’t know how to let go. I don’t know how to not be scared of losing you, too.”
I feel the tears sting, but I refuse to let them fall. I squeeze his hand instead. “Then don’t lose me.”
He looks up. And this time, I don’t see a man hiding behind walls.
