Page 90 of Roads Behind Us
“I-I think so?” She sighed. “I always wanted to be a mom, but at my age and with my own history, I never thought I’d get the chance. I mean, not that I’m saying I’m anybody’s m?—”
“That’s what I’m askin’,” I said, interrupting her and the doubt I heard in her voice. “I know we have a long way to go with all of this.” I lifted the baby gently, and he startled, but his arms were tucked tightly to his chest inside the blanket, so he snuggled back in and settled. “But wherever the road leads us, I want you with me.”
“And you’re sure?” she asked. “You’ve lost so much. I can’t replace that. I can’t replace your w?—”
Smoothing the hair away from her mouth, wet from her tears, I tucked it behind her ear. “I don’t want you to replace Candy. I’m not tryin’ to get back what I lost.” Holding her chin in my hand, I brought her lips to mine and kissed her. “There’s so much life left to live, and I’m finally excited to live it. With you. You, Beatrice Baker, my sweetheart. My friend. My love.
“I’ll always love Candy. How could I not? She gave me Athena. But she gave me more than our beautiful daughter. She gave me the permission I thought I needed to move on.”
Bea’s eyebrows lifted, and her green eyes twinkled beneath. “More woo-woo?”
“Yeah,” I said and laughed. “But it turns out, her permission wasn’t what I needed.”
“No? What did you need?”
“I just needed you.”
A smile broke across her face, like the sun shining through heavy rain clouds, but then someone knocked on my bedroom door. It opened a few inches and Rye’s head popped into my room. I had no idea when he’d arrived or how much he knew, but it made sense for him to be with my family. He’d been a better brother to me than Dixon had in a long time.
“Come in,” I said, holding Bea tight to my side, both of us careful not to wake the baby.
“So,” Rye hedged, pushing the door open wider and tucking his hands into his front pockets awkwardly, which wasn’t like him at all. Where was my brash, can’t-keep-his-mouth-shut loud-mouth best friend? “Uh, Merv wants me to ask you where the key to the extra bedroom is. She says we need to fix up a place for little Stuey to sleep.” He winced ’cause he knew in the past the unoccupied third bedroom had been a tough subject for me. “I can pop the hinges if you don’t know where it is.”
As soon as I saw Stu, I’d known this was coming. And even before that, everything in my life had been building toward me and Bea finding and loving each other.
Taking a deep breath, I let the acceptance I now felt about my past settle inside my chest. It still hurt. I couldn’t lie about that, but it had come time for me to live again.
Kissing Bea one more time quickly, I handed the baby to her, and she eased back against my headboard as I hobbled to my dresser with one crutch and slid open the top drawer. I pulled the single key from underneath a rolled-together pair of socks. “Here.”
“Thanks, buddy,” Rye said, opening the door wider and walking forward, and he took the key from my hand.
“Just, all I ask is that y’all let me take my time with it?”
“’Course.” Rye nodded and gripped my shoulder “I got you, man,” he said, and he left my room.
I looked back at Bea and smiled, testing the tentative feeling of happiness starting to finally take root inside me. Handing over the key hadn’t been as hard as I’d thought.
“Do you mind if I go see?” she asked. “Show Stuey his room?”
“Oh God, not you too.” I groaned. “We really need to figure out a different name for this kid. Stuey makes me think of that cartoon, Family Guy.”
Bea grinned. “I know, right?”
I tried to think back. Was that where my brother had gotten the name? I couldn’t remember if Dixon had ever watched the show, but it would’ve made sense. Brand had been named after a character from The Goonies. Although, I was pretty sure Dixon had spelled Stu’s name wrong if that was the case.
But when I tried to think of a different name for the baby, it occurred to me that I’d be stealing from Stuart the only thing his father had given him.
But that wasn’t true at all, was it? Dixon had given his son a chance. A better one than he would’ve had if he’d been raised by his parents.
I sighed, finally seeing Dixon’s gift for what he was—Stuey was a chance. A chance for my whole family. I could already feel Stu stitching the sorry lot of us back together, patching us up and offering a little more hope for the future. And hope was the only thing making me desperate for Dixon to sort his shit out and get back here, clean and healthy so he could accept some love for himself.
“No, sweetheart,” I said, refocusing on Bea. “I don’t mind. Go ahead.”
“You sure? If you’re not ready?—”
“I’m ready, Bea. Athena was right. If I don’t remember Duo, who will? Maybe Stu can help us carry Duo’s memory into the future. It’s not right for me to forget him just ’cause the loss hurts. I don’t want to forget him, and I want him to be proud of me.”
Bea rose easily from the bed, walked to me, and tucked herself and the baby in the crook of my open arm. I pressed my lips to the tops of their heads, and Bea reached up on her tiptoes to place a soft kiss beneath my jaw. “I love you,” she said, and then they left me alone in my room.
