Page 66 of Roads Behind Us
She swiped at the hair curling against her cheek a little aggressively. “Okay well, when he signs on, you let me know, but until then, my job is in Sheridan. Seven hours away.”
I felt a little bit of a cold front washing over my skin, but the bedroom was burning hot. “Have I made you angry?”
All emotion dissolved from her face. “I’m not angry.”
“You seem a little defensive.”
“Yeah, well maybe ’cause my job is the only thing I have that’s good in my life. And because you have a daughter whose life I don’t wanna fuck up. And maybe ’cause you’re?—”
“I’m what?”
“Still married. At least in your heart.”
Ouch. Bea watched as I collapsed onto my back, and breath escaped my mouth in a huff.
“I’m sorry,” she said, leaning up on her elbow. “But it’s true, isn’t it?”
“It’s actually not. And you’re the reason.”
She scoffed quietly. “How can I be the reason? You barely know me.”
Rolling back on my side, I draped my chest over her hip to grab the sketchpad and flipped it back to the first drawing I’d done of her and turned it so she could see. Her finger trailed down the image but landed and then hovered over the purple sweatshirt I’d drawn her wearing. Which was her favorite color, I already knew. A little lavender piece of braided rope hung from her keychain, and the background image on her phone’s home screen was a photograph of purple wildflowers.
“When you showed up here and I realized I was attracted to you, it hit me. My marriage has been over for a long time. I had no choice in the matter, and because Candy’s dead, I thought that meant I couldn’t move on. Like, it wouldn’t be right for me to ’cause she didn’t get a choice either.
“But now I know the reason she’s not here doesn’t matter. She’s just gone. I’m not, and I can’t keep livin’ like I am. It’s not fair to Athena. It sure as shit ain’t fair to me, and it’s not fair to you.”
Bea stayed quiet for a few minutes, and I watched her processing what I’d said. It was true. It may have taken years too long for me to admit out loud, but it had been true a long time.
Her voice was soft and quiet when she finally spoke. “I admire you. Maybe it took you a few years to figure things out, but you did. I didn’t. I stayed in a marriage just ’cause I was afraid not to. You didn’t get to choose how your marriage ended, but I did, and I didn’t have the guts to end it. Not for a long time.
“What if I make a mistake again? What if the choices I’m makin’ now are mistakes? What if I get stuck again? I don’t think I have it in me to pick up and leave a second time. I’m not sure I’d survive that.”
“You think this is a mistake? You and me?”
“No, I-I didn’t say that.”
“Sounded like you did.”
I rolled on my back, feeling confused and a little defeated. Maybe I was alone in this. Maybe the feelings I’d been having for Bea were one-sided. She was right; it had only been a week, and I’d been out of the game a long time. I’d probably been reading the signals wrong.
“Bax,” she whispered. “This is good, right? This thing between us?”
Why did Bea’s question sound exactly like the one I’d asked my daughter when I was still trying to dissuade her from asking me to change?
“Yeah, really good,” I said. “You have no idea how relieved I am to know I’m capable of feelin’ this way again.”
Apprehensively, she asked, “What way?”
“Attraction. Desire. That I could want someone the way I want you.”
She moved closer and rested her leg over mine. I gripped her thigh and yanked it higher. When I felt her soft skin against my stomach, I grew hard again instantly. To be fair, though, I’d been hard since she stepped foot in my bedroom.
With the palm of her hand, she touched my cheek and turned my head, and we stared at each other for the longest time, just considering the words between us. But when she leaned in to kiss me, I gave in. The confusion didn’t go away, but it fell to the wayside as need filled me back up.
“I want you too,” she whispered into my mouth. “Can’t that be enough for now?”
I didn’t have the answer. Was it enough? I wasn’t a man who had affairs. I’d been built for the long haul, but she was right that we barely knew each other. There were still a lot of things I hadn’t told her, things she’d probably need to know if we did decide to start a relationship.
