Page 55 of The Care of Broken Things
He felt like he was trying to breathe through a tube half-clogged with saliva, but even gasping he felt the words bubbling out of him, more important than breathing. “You don’t know the first thing about what I want. If you did, you’d never touch me again. And your husband, Christ, where to even start! Do you know what kind of shit he says behind your back? The first time we met he was already offering to give you to me. Whoring you out. As if you were some kind of addict who’d want the first piece of ass you met just because you were in prison.”
“Samuel—"
“I lied to you! I didn’t mean to, but I lied. It wasn’t pretend. None of it. And you know the sickest part? I’m glad The Android came after me. Because now you never leave me alone, and I get to pretend it’s because you want to be with me. That you like it as much as I do. And I know it’s stupid! I know it’s just because you’re too nice, that you just don’t want to see anyone get hurt. I’m not an idiot. But then Nat has to come and mock me. Saying shit like buying a bigger bed. As if you’d have any reason to be with me once you had your life back. As if any of this stupid charade means anything. Well, I’m sorry you had to touch me earlier. I didn’t mean to make you cheat on Nat, even if it was just pretend. I’ll apologize as much as you want, so don’t let him say things like that to me. I know he’s frustrated, and I’d want to kill me too. But I didn’t mean for it to happen.”
“Oh, puppy…”
“Shut up! And don’t look at me like that! Like I’m just having some kind of tantrum. I love you! Can you get that through your head? You’re not my friend. You’re not my brother. I’m in love with you, so fuck off.”
It was when he should have stormed away. That was the plan. But Eli was fast for a man in his thirties. Faster than him. Faster than anyone in the prison, maybe. The man grabbed his wrist and yanked him back around.
“I know.”
Oh, how that pissed him off. That fucking sympathy. That understanding. If he could have laid a hand on that beautiful face, he would have hit him. “You don’t know shit!”
“I do know. I’ve known for a while, but I didn’t think you wanted to talk about it. You cut me off for so much less, and I figured I could wait. I thought there was no harm in waiting. Forgive me. I shouldn’t have made that decision on my own.”
“Forgive you?” He tried to yank his arm free, but he was so weak, and his chest was killing him, like his ribs were crushing inward, sinking into organs, forcing him to breathe blood. “Do you think I’d be like this if I could forgive you? Or even be angry at you? Since the moment I saw you, I didn’t know what to do. I had to stay away, it was so dangerous, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t do anything. Why did you do this to me? I was handling things. Getting through the days. But what am I supposed to do now? You already have Nat. How dare you do this to me!”
For a moment they just looked at each other. He couldn’t help it. Eli was making a face he’d never seen before.
And then came the interruption. “Thompson, if you don’t shut your man up, he’s spending the night in solitary.”
He turned his head. There was backup now. Chesterson and Mendez. Oh, how he wanted to take a crack at Chesterson. His body well-remembered the tasing, and he’d just been handed the perfect invitation. A night in solitary? He was about to earn himself a month in solitary.
Eli’s hand clamped over his mouth at the same time the arm crossed over his chest. “He’s not hurting anyone.”
“Pardon me if I’m not reassured,” Chesterson said. “Jameson is right, he’s a loose cannon, and he’s not going to the dorm until you’ve calmed him the hell down.”
He tried to twist his way to freedom, but Eli was molded to him like a glue trap.
“No, puppy.” Eli’s breath was on his neck again. The bastard had to be doing it on purpose. “Think of Jenny and shut it down.”
It almost wasn’t enough. Why couldn’t he even have the freedom to self-destruct if he wanted to? All he did was cause her misery anyway. The murderer brother in prison. She’d be better off without him. If he just died, she’d be able to move on with her life. They all would.
He went slack. Eli’s arms caught him as he slumped, dead weight.
“Thank you,” Eli whispered. He hated how grateful it sounded. How relieved. It meant he really was a loose cannon—a liability.
He let Eli drag him back to the dorm. He felt eyes on him and didn’t care. Let them stare. Let them do whatever they wanted. He was emptied out, exhausted with his confession. And still the hurt came, waves and waves of it. It didn’t seem fair to add that on top of everything else. It took energy to process hurt. Energy he didn’t have. So it just rolled over him, crushing the air from his lungs and accomplishing nothing.
His knees buckled against the edge of the bed, and he went down like the world’s largest sack of potatoes. Eli gentled his fall and guided his head to the mattress, but the effort was wasted. He didn’t care what happened to him now. He couldn’t even be bothered to shut his eyes, so he just stared across the dorm at a pair of socks that had rolled under someone’s bunk.
A hand touched his back. Eli’s hand. He didn’t have to look. Didn’t have to think. His body always knew that hand now, and he knew he should tell Eli to let go. To not touch him. The man’spity would only hurt him more in the long run. But he didn’t have the energy to worry about his future self.
Eli didn’t try to talk. Didn’t offer him any platitudes or encouragement. He just rubbed at his back, slow and easy, like he had nothing better to do. Rubbing and rubbing until he thought for sure the hand would snap off. But Eli didn’t stop. Not even when the lights flicked off, the sudden dimness like a jolt to the head. He’d been floating, semi-disconnected, and the change brought him back into his useless body. His throat was raw. He didn’t know why. He hadn’t yelled for very long, nor had he cried.
He sat up.
“Samuel? Do you need the bathroom?”
Did he? He didn’t know. “Bed. This one’s yours.” If the lights were off, then it was time to sleep. And he had to do that away from Eli now that the truth was out. The thought of climbing up to his bunk was daunting. Even if he could drum up the strength somehow, his coordination was gone. No, there wouldn’t be any climbing. He would just use the floor. It wasn’t like he was going to sleep anyway.
“No, puppy. If you don’t need to pee, then lie back down. Unless you need something else. Are you hungry? Thirsty?”
Eli spoke in that bare whisper he always used after lights out. Hearing it used to make him shiver. It sounded so intimate in the dark. Now he just wanted him to stop, the words like needles in his already prickling brain. But he said nothing and allowed Eli to push him back down. Why? Because he was tired? Because it was easier than fighting? No. Because he wanted to. Because even though the truth was out and there was no hiding, he still wanted to pretend.
He started to laugh. It was just a little rumble at first, the sound a generator might make, or a robotic vacuum cleaner. But the sound built until it began tohurt his stomach and soon he was bent over himself laughing and laughing because his body didn’t know how to stop.
