Page 43 of Creatures Like Us
“You weren’t hurting me. I liked it. I like it when you touch me.”
“Even when I touch you like that?”
“Yeah.”
“It didn’t feel?…?bad?”
“No. None of it.”
He sighs even deeper, and some of the tension leaves his shoulders. “Okay. I just?…?I need some time alone.”
“Okay. But?…?you’re okay, right?”
“Are you?”
“Don’t worry about me, Asher.”
He snorts again. I try to understand, I really do, but his actions right now don’t make much sense to me. The more I try to reassure him, the more disturbed he seems to get. Is it because he’s straight, and he regrets it?
That might be it. He might be disgusted with himself for what he just did in his desperation, stuck here with someone who lacks the body parts he’s truly attracted to. On the other hand, he’s always been the instigator of our intimacy.
This time, it just went further than we’re used to.
He found release by touching me, and I found another type of release by letting him do what he wanted and by having his attention solely on me. We comforted each other, that’s all.
Why would he think we were wrong to do so? I can’t make sense of it, and when I can’t make sense of something, I go into the forest, hoping the wisdom of the trees can provide me with the knowledge I lack.
On the other hand, the forest has never made me understand humans better. Maybe that’s part of the problem—myproblem. I never know the right thing to do or say, and in these situations with Asher, I’m even more clueless than usual. If he’d only let me in—if he’d only let me know what is bothering him?…
I consider disobeying his wishes and staying by his side, but his rage can be so sudden, and after all those touches and all that warmth, I’m not sure I can handle having him snap at me again. Forest it is.
I rise from the bed, but before I go, I send a look over my shoulder. Asher is curled up on the bed, facing away from me, and even though I can’t see his expression, his body language spells it out loud and clear.
Guilt.
Torment.
Regret.
And I don’t know why.
Chapter 13
Asher
Fuck!WhydidIdo that? Why? This is so messed up. Not just to myself, but to Noah too. He just told me he was a virgin, yet I humped him like a dog and came with my hand around his throat, and his whimper … Oh god. Why was that so hot?
When he gets up and leaves, the relief is so stark it’s frightening. I can barely face myself in my guilt, let alone him. He didn’t even understand how wrong it was, how unfair it was to him?…?He didn’t even seem to mind, and he’s wrong in that too, just like I’m wrong in doing what I did.
I can’t even recognize myself. The normal me—the outside me—would never do anything close to what I just did. I’m not a selfish lover. I’m the opposite; I let people do what the fuck they want to me, and I thank them for it.
Lilith used to pin me to the bed and ride me until she came, and sometimes she wouldn’t even get me off afterward. Thedrugs made it hard for me to get an erection sometimes, let alone have an orgasm.
I don’t do things like this. I don’t choke virgins and tell them to whimper—not even virgins who have taken my freedom away.
I suppose the frustration is getting to me. Beyond my lack of freedom and drugs, I’m frustrated with Noah’s assertiveness in some things and his total lack of confidence in others. Beyond the frustration, I guess it’s a huge fucking turn-on for me—one I could never have guessed. I suppose I’ve also been aching for some sort of control, and when Noah gives it to me willingly, the temptation is too vast to resist.
I’ve been here for what, two weeks? Three at most? And yet it feels like I’ve been here for months. The days bleed into each other. Noah and I bleed into each other.
