Page 112 of Creatures Like Us
“What can I do if I see you struggling?”
“I don’t know.”
“Does it get easier?”
He shrugs. “Some days, I just notice it less.” He pulls up a leg and leans his chin on his knee, gazing sullenly into the dark.
“Do you need anything?” I ask.
He looks back at me, smiling wryly. “I’m not the one who got stabbed.”
“I just?…”
“I needyou.”
I smile back, and eventually, the tension eases from his shoulders. He drops his leg and edges closer to me. I tend to get warm in the night, so I’ve had the covers removed, and Asher looks at my naked torso, at the bandage around my abdomen. He runs his fingers along it—no pressure, just a featherlight touch—until he arrives at the cut below. The scab is itchy, but the wound is healing, and soon it will form a scar. A precious one.
Asher swallows thickly, running a finger along the scab. “You know?…?I’ve been thinking, and?…?I think I was mean to you?…?and hurt you because?…?Because you hurt me.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” I can never say it enough, or with enough conviction.
“Me too.” He lifts a hand to stroke the hair out of my face. “I don’t want to anymore. Hurt you,” he clarifies. “Not for the wrong reasons, at least. I want us to be happy. Do you think that’s possible?”
I shift my gaze, and many thoughts run through my head as I try to come up with a reply.
Canwe be happy? It’s such a simple question, and the answer should be simple too, but in truth, it couldn’t be more complicated.
We’ve both been miserable for most of our lives, the way I’ve understood it. Many are the methods we’ve employed to make ourselves feel better, but none have been quite as effective as just being in each other’s company. At least for me, it’s like that. I don’t need much—I don’t want therapy, I don’t want a family, I don’t want anything except to just be with him. But at the same time, is that really what’s best for him? And I should want what’s best for him, right? If you love someone, you should want what’s best for them, and I do.
God, I do.
So the answer boils down to a few simple words, carrying the weight of the world behind them.
“I don’t know.” I entwine our fingers, meeting his gaze. “But we can try.”
His face lights up with a smile, andwhat a smile. A smile the gods would weep in joy to witness.
“Yeah. We can try.”
I let go of his hand to run a finger down the cut. “But I like this kind of stuff sometimes. I like you to hurt me.”
He shrugs. “We can continue on like we have?…?Kind of. I think we need to be more careful though.Ineed to be more careful. I won’t do it because I want to hurt you or?…?exact some kind offucked-up revenge on you for what you did to me. I want to do it because you want me to, and because it feels good for us both. Is that something you want?”
“Yeah. I want that.” I take his hand and squeeze it with all the strength I can muster. “You have to know, Ash, this isn’t something I’m used to. I might fuck up. You might want to?…?leave again, and if you do, you can. I never want you to feel like you’re trapped with me, like you were.” The guilt runs heavy alongside my words. I don’t think I’ll ever get rid of it.
“Well, to be fair, it’s hardnotto feel like that,” Asher says. “Even when you weren’t keeping me captive anymore, I couldn’t imagine my future without you. I couldn’t picture it. Everything was just black.”
“It was for me too. It’s still like that. Is that bad, do you think?”
He shrugs again. “Maybe it is. But maybe it’s all we can do for the moment.”
I nod, absent-mindedly running my fingertips along the back of his hand. I can’t get enough of just feeling his skin touching mine, feeling that he’s real. Alive. ThatI’malive, and I’m here with him.
“Did you mean what you said the other day?” I ask.
“Hm?”
“Before I fell asleep, you said you’re mine. Are you?”
