Page 64 of Dead Crown
He couldn’t have a daughter with his brother. It wasn’t done, and he wasn’t like Tivar, even though the bastard wasn’t actually blood-related.
But it was done, and she was there now.
Lumi shifted and immediately reached beside him. Not finding Jacqueline, he sat bolt upright with a wild expression and startled Jaki.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I picked her up because she seemed to be waking up. I thought you should sleep a bit more.”
Lumi rubbed his eyes, and his hands shook. “I-I thought...” He blinked at Jaki who used the glamor necklace. “What? Why do you look like that?”
“Nothing.”
“I can tell by your face it's not nothing.”
Jaki handed her over. “It’s-stay here and rest.”
Lumi took her. “Jaki-wait.”
Jaki grabbed his cloak and stepped outside before he wrapped it around himself. He’d seen Lumi’s expression. He knew Jaki had seen her eyes and figured it out. Had he ever planned to say anything? Maybe he didn’t want to, and Jaki shouldn’t have picked her up.
He’d thought it was Tivar’s child because Lumi obviously wouldn’t have access to herbs with him. Tivar’s whole goal had been to get a child off of Lumi anyway, and sometimes, an infertile person might manage to sire or conceive a single child. Some couples tried for years before finally having a kid.
She wasn’t Tivar’s baby.
As he went to the railing to look out, he couldn’t decide what was worse. A child from the non-related rapist who had abused Lumi since he was fourteen, or a child from his half-brother, who had fucked him to work out his hate and other complicated feelings he’d been too weak to fully bury.
He hadn’t even apologized for it or dared to bring it up. Once he’d had time to gather his thoughts after the incident, he’d wanted to fuck his brother again, but he’d also wanted to keep Lumi there and safe with him.
Even now, a part of him wanted to run in and comfort Lumi.
He gripped the railing as he tried to will the cold wood to ground him. Lumi seemed to love her, and it wasn’t like she hadasked for any of this. He’d carried her for months while stuck in conditions Jaki wouldn’t keep a dog in.
He wasn’t sure what to do or say. Maybe Lumi secretly hated him for saddling him with something he couldn’t get away from even if he loved her now. It was Jaki’s fault. Lumi shouldn’t have to deal with a baby after everything else he’d been through. Every single thing in his life for over a decade had been forced upon him, and Jaki had only added to it.
On the deck, the fisherman and his son had set up stones so they could cook with a fire or warm up. The Father was cooking while the son took care of guiding the boat. Fortunately, the Ivar flowed into East Iceland, and they’d be farther north than Jaki had been when he left, which was all right.
“You got a specific place you want to be?” asked the Father as Jaki stood by the fire.
“Um, the closer to the border, the better. We have family in East Iceland. We haven’t seen them in ages, but they’ll take us in.”
The man grunted as he kept stirring the pot of stew. Plenty of families had been divided in the country thanks to the border. If patrols caught common people, they weren’t permitted into the other side. Jaki wasn’t actually sure if they were being fed, but the food looked like enough for four people.
Normally, Jaki wouldn’t have been uncomfortable with the silence since they were two men with their own thoughts. But he kept imagining what the fisherman would think if he knew who Jaki was and how he’d impregnated his brother by accident. Or how much he’d thought about fucking Lumi again until the day in the tower when he realized his brother couldn’t face sex without the heat.
Father had once mentioned that Jaki wasn’t the same as he used to be when he was little. And it wasn’t just because he used to make friends so easily and bring home animals he foundoutside. Father said he wasn’t cold, but he had grown up with a faint hardness.
Jaki had taken it as an insult at first, but Father was right. After going into hiding, he’d been the one to try and make Mother feel better. Preti had told him not to cry while crying enough for three people. He'd ended up trying to be strong enough for the two of them while hiding his fear that he’d never see Father again.
She had been too delicate for a life of turmoil. She later died when her heart gave out despite having her husband back. The physician said the stress had been too much for her in the long run. Jaki had lost a lot of friends right before the war since they’d hidden in case Reesing decided to lock them up too.
He hadn’t bothered to make any later. Not real friends anyway. Courtiers came and went. Bed buddies came and went. Father drank too much now.
It had been a long time since he’d wanted something beyond the basics with another.
He wished Lumi had come to his room that night and not for sex. He could have stayed there, and if he’d told the truth, Jaki would have made sure he was taken care of every day of his pregnancy. He’d be in a proper room then and resting. No one would have spent the past months abusing him yet again.
He’d been so lost in his thoughts, the fisherman had to grunt to get his attention as he held out two bowls.
“Oh, thanks.”
