Page 115 of Bloom
“You say that now, but you might be expecting something quite different and hoping I’ll have my ass in the air for you.”
“If you want to go to bed and only sleep, that’s fine. Just because we marry doesn’t mean you’re obligated to present your ass. I can’t lie and say I wouldn’t enjoy it, but it’s up to you. If you don’t want it, it’s not going to be fun for either of us.”
Part of Aleric wanted to throw out all restraint, ride Jaime’s dick right there in the woods, and get what he so badly wanted.
“You know what I think?” Jaime picked up a twig from the ground to fiddle with. “Insecurity comes in various forms, and please don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re insecure.”
“You try being completely sure about yourself and life after-”
“It’s not an insult. It’s simply a fact. You’re in danger, and I don’t think anyone would feel secure. We’re supposed to be relaxing, but you’re worried about if I’m going to be nagging and trying to get in your trousers or worse.”
“Okay. What’s your point?”
“You react by retreating and lashing out to keep yourself safe. Whenever you’re nasty to me, you’re probably quite frightened and acting tough to keep me away.”
Aleric wasn’t exactly enjoying this analysis of his character, and he glared at the ocean ahead.
“I don’t blame you for it. And then, there are insecure people like Gautier.”
Aleric blinked and side-eyed Jaime. “Gautier’s not insecure.”
“I think he’s extremely insecure.”
“He saw a way to get something, and after a couple of years, I, the submissive, dared to say no. He punished me for it, dropped me like a hot potato, and ran to the next brother once he was old enough. He’s still working toward his plan to get a new hold for himself. He’s not vulnerable. I am, and he’s got a high opinion of himself. He’s never been the sort who swaggers around withan arrogant attitude, but he doesn’t need to. He’s confident and simply sure of himself. Part of that drew dumb eighteen-year-old me to him.”
Jaime pressed his lips together. “That doesn’t mean a man is entirely secure about himself.”
“Unfortunately, I know him better. Even in our relationship, he automatically took control from the first night. I’m not saying a submissive is powerless and weak, but he’s got a certain attitude. You have the same attitude. When you were on your knees after twenty minutes of knowing me, you had your fingers up my ass.”
“Just because we both like to take charge doesn’t mean much. You made me feel pretty shitty on our first full day because you wouldn’t even let me kiss you. There’s a difference between us. I did get snappy with you, but I walked out. You kicked me in the ego again after we fucked, and I still walked away. Gautier got pissed you said no, and instead of walking away, he decided to punish you. And he choked you for daring to have a different opinion on something he’s rock solid about. No matter how rigid a man’s stance on anything is, a secure man won’t choke their lover. You did nothing harmful by stating your own opinion and refusing to budge on it.”
He was right. Jaime and Aleric had verbally gone at each other’s throats, and Aleric had been pure nasty to him at times. Jaime had never struck him or shoved him into a wall and tried to strangle him. Even when Aleric had thrown a phallus and a cup at him, Jaime hadn’t done anything physical to him.
Gautier had reacted with violence when infuriated. He’d only held back when asking Aleric for his kink because he’d probably thought he had a chance to wear him down and get what he wanted.
“I’ve known a few men who were offended because a man or woman wouldn’t fuck them. They verbally insult them either totheir face or behind their back. They act as if being told no is a direct assault on their being. If they can’t fuck and do what they want, they act as if the other attacked them because I think to them, it really is an attack on their being. They're insecure. It’s mind-boggling how they’re so nasty about it.”
“And it’s not just bruised pride?”
“No. It’s beyond that. They act like they’re owed sex just for existing, and when it’s denied, they get mad because they secretly feel like they’re not worth anything. They’d never say it out loud, but deep down, I believe they feel like they’re less when they hear no, so they immediately go on the offensive and lash out in some way to get some kind of power back. No one should get that outraged.”
Aleric rubbed his chin as he thought that over. “So Gautier bases his worth on dominating and sex, and not getting what he wants makes him feel low?”
“Yeah. Raping or beating a spouse is usually a power thing. If they’re bigger and can get the upper hand like that, they’ll use it because it makes them feel big and powerful. Sometimes, they’re also the loud ones in public with the puffed-up attitude and swagger. They might also be the ones with a careful attitude in public like Gautier because they know how to gain respect from others, like your Father. In secret, they’re not quite the same. Any respect they gather isn't enough.”
Aleric had never thought about it.
“If you’re a secure man, overpowering someone shouldn’t cross your mind unless you’re in actual danger. Gautier already lost his position as Earl and was shamed in front of King Alton’s court. I’m sure that was a hefty blow to his esteem. To him, it doesn’t matter that he’s guilty. I’m sure he is, but he doesn’t care. If he wants something, he doesn’t like anyone telling him no. You continuously refused to do his kink, and while he didn’tspecifically attack you over it, I’m sure it felt like more kicks to his ego.”
Aleric stared at the water. “I never thought of him as insecure, but since you put it like that, it makes a lot of sense.”
Even leaving Aleric tied up on the floor and ending their relationship without a single direct word about it had been another power move.
“Gautier will actually hurt a man. I don’t do that. You don’t do that either. You’ve made a couple of threats, but it’s so I wouldn’t get ideas. If you felt safer at home, I don’t think you’d feel the need to do that, would you?”
“I wasn’t like that before.”
“You're not yelling at me now either. Gautier won’t ever feel entirely secure. You can take that information and do what you want. It’s what I’ve gathered after observing people, and that’s what I think about Gautier. I know you’re not going to entirely trust me in a second, but if you’re worried about me getting pissed off because you don’t want to have sex, I’m not going to hit you or anything.”
