Page 19 of What A Croc
“Aiden was our miracle baby. We had three pregnancy losses before him.” I took a sip of my wine, spinning the glass lightly on the table. “I honestly was done after the third loss. Levi nearly died from complications, and it wasn’t worth it to me. I would rather have no children than lose my mate.” I snorted derisively at that, because in the end I had still lost him. “We both agreed that it just wasn’t meant to be for us.”
“But you have Aiden,” Robert said quietly. He was focused on me, listening to my story intently. Then softlyadded, “I had a pregnancy loss. Before we had Wyatt. It’s…” he gave my hand a squeeze, “I understand.”
Giving him a small smile, I nodded. “When we found out we were pregnant with Aiden, I was terrified. I think Levi was too, honestly. He was so excited, but sometimes I could see the fear in his eyes, the worry. And he didn’t want to get too excited, in case–”
“In case you lost another.” Robert filled in.
“Yeah. He was so careful the first couple of months, practically putting himself on bedrest. And then we found out…” Swallowing against the raw emotion remembering brought up, I was saved by our waiter bringing our dinners.
Robert sniffed appreciatively, looking down at his steak and sweet potato. “This looks wonderful.”
It really did and smelled even better. Thanking the waiter and assuring him we didn’t need anything else at the moment, we both took a minute to dig into our meal. I was thankful for the reprieve. I hadn’t ever talked to anyone about what Levi and I had experienced before we had Aiden, or the absolute sheer terror both of us had felt when we’d found ourselves unexpectedly expecting. We’d taken what we thought were the necessary precautions, but something had failed somewhere. Levi had been convinced that pregnancy was meant to be.
After a few minutes of us silently enjoying our meal, Robert asked, “Can I ask what happened to Levi? I don’t want to overstep, but…I’m curious, I guess.”
“You can ask me anything, at any time,” I told him softly. “He died of a brain tumor. It was inoperable.”
Robert’s eyes filled with moisture, “Oh Jackson, I’m so sorry. And Aiden is so young.”
“We found out when he was three months pregnant with Aiden,” my voice wobbled a little, but it was important for Robert to know about my mate. “He’d been having these terrible headaches, and the doctors kept telling him it was due to the pregnancy. He wasn’t having morning sickness, at all, but he was getting these headaches almost daily. They figured instead of throwing up, he was having headaches. One day it got so bad I had to take him to the E.R.”
“That’s when they found it?”
Nodding was all I could do for a minute, while the memories I had pushed deep down inside myself came rushing out. “They took blood, part of their routine, and they found some abnormal things. I don’t even remember what, honestly. It was all medical mumbo jumbo, and then they were doing scans, and Levi was worried if anything would hurt the baby, and then…then a different doctor came in, a neurologist, and I just knew. I could see it in her eyes. I knew it was going to be bad.”
Robert grasped my hand in his, and I took that opportunity to look down. To try to casually swipe at the moisture in my eyes. To catch the teardrops before they fell down my cheeks. How had we gotten here? On this subject, in the middle of our first date, eating at a nice steakhouse? My dating game was seriously off track.
“I’m so sorry, Jackson. I can’t even imagine what you must have felt. What both of you must have felt.”
“There were so many doctors in the room after that, all talking at once, and it was hard to make sense of what our next step should be. Chemo and radiation, then surgery. Or maybe it was the other way around, it was all white noise. Then Levi had asked what about the baby, and they all went silent at once.”
“They wanted to terminate the pregnancy?” Robert guessed, his voice barely above a whisper, and filled with nearly the same anguish I had felt when it had been happening.
“Yeah. They explained there would be no way to sustain it, with what they needed to do. With Levi’s history, and the complications of the last pregnancy, they wanted to control it rather than waiting for his body…to do it.” Even now, it sounded so heartless, so…the doctors had been so clinical when they’d been explaining it to us. I remember wanting to scream, to just have everyone stop talking for one goddamn minute. So I could think, and grab my mate, hold him tight, and never fucking let go of him. “But Levi saidno. Just a quiet no. He wasn’t doing it. Not any of it. Not until he delivered our baby. And no one could talk that man out of something when he set his mind to it.”
Levi had been the sweetest omega, but also the most stubborn person I had ever met. After a moment of stunned silence, the medical team had all started talking at once, again, but I had known it didn’t matter what they said to him, how many charts and statistics they tossed at him, that Levi wasn’t going to change his mind on the subject.
“I honestly don’t know what I would have done in that situation,” Robert told me quietly. “I really don’t. I don’t know what choice I would make.”
Putting my fork down, because I didn’t feel much like eating anymore, I sighed. “Yeah. It’s an impossible situation no matter what you choose. So, we did nothing, and this time we had a healthy baby.”
“But you lost Levi.”
Closing my eyes for a moment, I blinked them open, knowing they were glistening as brightly as Robert’s were. “We lost Levi. The tumor was aggressive and while he had grown Aiden, it had grown. By the time we had Aiden, there wasn’t much that could be done. We were told he had maybe three months.”
“Oh Jackson,” Robert’s hand covered his mouth, and this time one of the tears he had been holding back slid down his cheek. Gently, I wiped it away with my finger.
“We lost him when Aiden was six and half months old.” Tightening my jaw until it ached, I refused to cry in the middle of this restaurant. As it was, I was very aware of our waiter hovering in the corner, shooting distressed looks our way. “I’m glad he got that time with Aiden, because nothing made him happier in the world than that baby. But it kills me that Aiden won’t know what a wonderful papa he had.”
“But he will know!” Robert insisted, “Because you’ll tell him. It won’t be the same as having Levi here, but Aiden will know that Levi loved him more than anything.”
He was right, and I knew he was right, but it didn’t stop the pang of hurt that sliced through me.
Taking a deep breath, I swiped at my eyes, then gave a nervous laugh. “Well, this date took a depressing turn and I’m very sorry about that.”
Robert gave me a warm smile, “Don’t be. We said tonight would be about getting to know each other. Thank you for sharing that with me. I know it wasn’t easy. And I want you to know that your sharing with me, well, I appreciate that you did.”
“Okay, your turn now.” Taking another sip of my wine, I said, “Tell me about your ex-wife. What happened?”
