Page 66 of His Gentle Omega
His hands were back to clasping each other tightly in front of him, and I wondered if the gesture was to keep them from shaking. “Do you know that old poster, the one with the kitten hanging onto a tree limb by one claw?”
Searching my mind, I nodded, knowing just what he was referring to. “Yeah.”
“I feel like that kitten right now. Barely hanging on, with one claw. And the slightest thing, the tiniest little thing, is going to make me lose my grip. I’m at the end of my rope, Bennett. Physically and mentally. When I say I can’t handle one more thing. I mean–”
Chest heaving, I rasped, “You mean you can’t handle me.”
His body was shaking now, and I saw clearly what I hadn’t seen before. Or maybe hadn’t wanted to. A man, desperately trying to keep himself together.
“Not just you. Anything. I can’t take one more thing. Not right now. And I feel weak admitting it.” He reached into his frontpocket and pulled out a brown prescription bottle, shaking it at me. “These are for anxiety. Panic attacks. Tessa explained it like spoons–”
“Spoon theory,” I whispered, nodding.
“I’m out of spoons, Bennett. I feel like I’m going to break, and I can’t do that. I can’t do that to Lucas. I’m all he has. If I break, he has no one.”
It seemed futile to point out he had Asher and Gabe, and me. Shay was used to having very little support system, and I knew it would take more than a week for him to understand and trust that he could ask us for help.
“I think you are the best thing to ever walk into my life, Bennett. I really do. And I want to be with you, with everything inside of me. But honestly, that scares the fuck out of me. Because the only other time I felt this way about someone, it was Edward. And I fell hard and fast, just like I’m falling for you. And it was the worst decision I have ever made. I don’t trust that I’m not doing the exact same thing. But it’s not just that. Tessa made me realize I don’t know who I am or what I truly want. So many things about my adult life have been dictated by Edward, or his family, and the way he has treated me.”
He shifted his eyes away, his shoulders slumped. I could practically see him shrinking into himself, trying to disappear. “The way I allowed myself to be treated. I need to figure out who I am. I need to get my life together. Because I’m a mess. I’m a mess, and I am barely hanging on, and I can’t deal with whatever is happening between us. I just can’t.”
He took a deep, hitching breath, and I watched his chest stutter with the effort. “I know we are fated, but I need to figure myself out before we stand any type of a chance to work. Because I have trauma, Bennett. I have triggers, and I have scars you can’tsee, and that I can’t even talk about right now. Anxiety, panic attacks, and nightmares. Tessa thinks I have some P.T.S.D., and she’s probably right. But you’ve given me hope. My tiger is talking to me again, and he’s been dormant a very long time. You’ve given me hope that someday soon, I’ll be able to shift again.”
My eyes widened at his admission. I had no idea his animal side had abandoned him, and I wondered how long it had been since he had shifted. Hearing he was a tiger intrigued me. I knew Asher was a cheetah and had just assumed that Shay was one also.
“And well,” he blushed slightly, rosy color sweeping across his high cheekbones, “you woke other parts of me up, too, that I didn’t expect.”
He was sobbing now, and I was silently sobbing with him. To see him hurting this way was killing me. More than knowing he was walking away from us, what we might be to one another. I knew admitting any of this had to be so hard for him. “And I can’t promise you I will ever be completely healed. But I know…I know if I don’t take this time to try to heal, to get past all the ugliness that Edward brought to my life and what he will bring, if I don’t figure out a life for Lucas and me–on our own–you and I won’t ever stand a chance. I’ll end up destroying us. And I don’t want to do that.”
Sniffling loudly, I couldn’t speak. Didn’t know what to say. Because I knew, deep down, I knew what he was saying was true.
Giving me a shaky smile through his tears, he whispered, “I want a chance with you, Bennett. More than anything. But for now–right now–I have to let you go. Because I can’t fix myself with you there. I just can’t. I’m so sorry. I know that makesme a weak asshole. But I have to choose what’s best for me, and Lucas, right now. We have to be first. We have to come first. I didn’t plan on you, but I’m so grateful that the Goddess put me–us–in your path. I’m so glad she chose me for you. I have to walk away for now, so I can be the alpha you deserve. And I need to clean up the mess I made of my life. On my own.”
Slowly he walked towards me, his long legs carrying him to me in two strides. Before I could get my brain to stop spinning from all he had said, his warm lips brushed the barest of kisses against my forehead.
Closing my watery eyes at the touch of his skin against mine, I breathed him in deeply, wanting his scent to be the only thing I could smell. Spicy musk, and fresh earth after a rainstorm.
I wanted to grab onto him, cling to him, cry and beg, and plead. Make any promise he needed to hear for him to stay.
I did none of that.
I didn’t stir as I listened to him moving around my house, my bedroom. As I listened to him gathering his things to leave. To leave me.
I kept still, knowing what he said was true. Knowing his being so open and honest had to have been incredibly hard for him. Knowing he had trusted me with all of what he was truly feeling, and knowing I couldn’t break that precious trust he had given me.
Then he was gone.
He had moved with purpose through my house, into the bedroom to gather his already packed duffel, and silently exited the front door.
It clicked closed behind him, the sound like a gunshot inside my head. My very soul.
Crumpling at the finality of the sound, I landed in a heap on the kitchen floor. Gasping noisily, my lungs starved for oxygen, the sounds I made were animalistic. Had I stopped breathing the entire time he had been talking?
Time passed in a blur, while I cried and shook, gasping and trying to tell myself that the bottom of my world hadn’t just fallen out from beneath me. That I barely knew the man. That it had been exactly one week since Carrie had called me frantic. Seven days. It was nothing. A blip.
Yet, it had changed my entire life.
Crawling on my hands and knees, because I was sure my shaking limbs wouldn’t hold me, I somehow managed to make it to my room. Pulling myself onto the bed, I wrapped myself in the top sheet, letting the scents still clinging to the cotton material wash over me.
