Page 51 of Her Shadow so Dark and Lovely
“Have you never wondered at Lorel’s fevers?” Sila asks her.
Lune purses her lips. “I have, of course I have. I can feel the magic in them, but I’ve never been able to figure out how they happen. You’re saying her magic does it?”
“I believe so. We are still trying to understand it, because I have never seen its like before, either,” Sila says. “And for what it is worth, I agree. Lorel needs to leave the Citadel. Magic or not, the Lightkeepers are going to great lengths to take you back, or kill you.” I look at Sila, alarm chasing my blood through my veins. “And I will not let them do either.”
I’m not going anywhere without you.
“I did not say you would,” Sila replies, holding my gaze. It burns through me.
I heard you tell the Heart it was your only tether. That means you’ll die without it, doesn’t it?
“What’s Lorel saying?” Lune asks, wary.
“Lovely things,” Sila says softly. I purse my lips.
There is a flutter of a laugh from Lune. “I’m sure,” she says, coming to stand by me. “I can arrange it.”
“Such interesting connections you have, Cupbearer.”
Lune is silent for a long moment, her dislike of Sila warring with her honest heart.
“I see the effects of the night cough. I send people to their death in the hopes it will end it. These plagues and problems have a root, but I don’t believe in the dark anymore,” says Lune. She has a faraway look. I reach for her hand, gripping it tightly. She looks down at me. “I won’t send you to your death, Lorel. I can’t let that happen again.”
It works exactly as she had intended, even if it doesn’t make her hurt any less real. And it doesn’t change that I would be risking Sila’s life, to take her from the very thing I was sure was keeping her alive. I couldn’t take Sila from this place with me.
But outside the Citadel? I hardly knew how I would survive on my own. Magic or not, the outside world was a dark and cruel place, bereft of sunlight and ruled by blood and violence. It was no place for a scribe, and as my eyes meet Sila’s, I know without a doubt that now she has me she will never let me go again. Thatshe will doom herself all over again to keep me, and that I can never let that happen.
Chapter 31
Lorel
In the end,Lune and Sila had agreed that I should go. I had said nothing. I could not forget Sila had called the Library her only tether left. She would go with me in a heartbeat, I knew that, but if it meant removing her from the very thing that kept her tethered in this world? I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t bear the thought of a world that didn’t have Sila in it.
And really, in the end I am just a speck of a moment in her long existence. Something to be barely remembered, and found tucked in a box at the back of a drawer one day. Sila will be alright without me.
My hands are shaking so badly I fumble the spoon of dried herbs as I try to place them into the teapot. I can’t be certain thatIwill be alright, though. When Sila had kissed me, it was in the same way she looked at me. Devouring and all-consuming, and the memory of it sets my blood alight and my body aching. It makes me think of tangled limbs, and skin against skin, and I have never wanted something so badly. Never been so desperate for someone as I am for her. And if I let her have me, I don’t think I will ever be able to let her go again.
And that would be the end of her. I cannot condemn her like that.
I dust the herbs from the counter with a deep, silent breath and promptly drop it all across the floor as I hear a gentle thump from the bedroom. Sila.
I rush through the living space, catching my knee on one of Sila’s book stacks and sending it tumbling. I wince and grip the door frame tight, staring at the empty bed in front of me. The sheets crumpled and creased around where she had been. It’s then I catch the salt and earth scent of hot water drifting from the washroom, the door left ajar. I make to call out to her, to make sure she hasn’t slipped, and stop as the air passes my lips without a sound. I cross the bedroom in a few quick strides and knock.
I barely get a third knock in before the door is pulled open, and Sila, steam-damp and wearing only one of her long blouses, stands before me. She smiles.
“Hello, little mouse. Are you here to join me?” All the weariness of the past days has bled away from her. There isn’t a single blemish or mark left. I keep my eyes on her face, determined not to let them stray to her long legs and the hint of thighs that could easily crush me.
I heard a noise. I thought— well— You look better. Well. You look well.
Dawn King flay me. I am stuttering with my hands.
Sila’s smile widens as she leans in the door frame, her tall figure looming over me.
“Just the taps, protesting as they do,” she says, tipping her head. She reaches out, tugging at my collar. “I still prefer you in my blouses.”
I can’t very well walk around in just a blouse.
“Why ever not?” she asks. I try to swat her hand away and she catches it, a frown scratching itself across her features. “Lorel. Your hands. Why didn’t you use the salve?”
