Page 81 of If My Wishes Came True
I sob, heartbroken. Charlie reaches out to hold me, and I want so badly to let him comfort me, but I’m spiraling.
This is what you get for letting your guard down.
This is what you get for believing in love.
This is what you get for believing you’re worthy.
I know these are only thoughts—not truths. I’ve worked on being mindful of my triggers with Esther. But being aware of my negative thoughts doesn’t make them disappear. All I can do is choose whether I want to give in to them, or fight. To sink or swim.
A familiar wave of grief threatens to pull me under. But when I stay limp in Charlie’s arms, not returning his embrace, he pulls me onto his lap and lifts my face so I’m looking at him.
“Jenna, trust me—you are not a rebound. This is not me settling. There’s no one on this earth I’d rather be with. I love you,” he says, his eyes glistening.
“Or maybe you love the idea of me,” I say, suddenly questioning everything.
“No,” he says with more conviction than I’ve heard in his voice before. “I love your grit, and how hard you worked tomake it where you are today. I love your resilience, and how you found a way to love again after the most devastating loss. I love your passion and devotion to art—and your talent completely blows me away. I love your dry sense of humor. The way your eyes smile when you talk about your sister, because you’re so excited to finally be close to her. I love the adorable way you scrunch your nose when you giggle, and how you sigh, sometimes, in your sleep.”
He wipes my tears with the sleeve of his sweatshirt, just like he did the first time we met.
“I love everything about you. We’re meant to be together, Jenna. Nothing has changed since last night. Nothing.”
I shake my head. “Everythinghas changed, Charlie. You’re Nico! And you know what upsets me most? You never once mentioned you were engaged. Even after I told you all about Hunter. Why?”
His jaw tightens. “I was going to tell you, I promise. I just needed to work up the nerve.
The truth is, I was afraid you’d see me differently.”
My forehead crinkles. “Why would I do that?”
Charlie turns bright red. “Because—it’s fucking embarrassing, Jenna. I mean, I was left at the altar. It’s not exactly a glowing endorsement.”
The pain in his eyes kills me. I take his hand and thread my fingers through his.
“I’m so sorry,” I say. “I didn’t think about it that way.”
“Look, I want you to understand,” he continues. “Even though I look like this now, I’m still the same lanky, acne-riddenkid on the inside. The kid who couldn’t get girls to give him the time of day. Confidence does not come naturally to me.”
I bite my lip. “Really? But in bed, you’re so…assertive.”
He gives a wry laugh. “Yeah, well, that wasn’t intuitive either. When my first girlfriend, Amanda, broke up with me, she told me I’d never once given her an orgasm. Apparently, she’d faked it every single time. I was so upset. So you know what I did? I went online and read every article about female pleasure I could find. For weeks, I researched techniques, like I was studying for an exam. And when I found the courage to start dating again, I saw to it that my girlfriends were always more than satisfied.”
I can’t help but giggle through my tears. “That’s very noble.”
Charlie circles his arms around my waist. “Jenna, I know you think I’m perfect, but I’m far from it. I’ve always known that. Now you do, too. The only things that come effortlessly to me are photography—and being with you.”
I heave a sigh.
“Everything else, I have to work at. Standing up to my dad, and not settling for a career I hate, are at the top of that list. But I’m willing to do the work. I want to be the best version of myself for you. For us.”
“I want to believe you,” I say. “I do. But I’m not sure I will until I see it happen. You planned to make major life changes after Vanessa called off the wedding, too. But you didn’t.”
Charlie nods. “You’re right. I shouldn’t expect you to believe I’ll change when I’ve done nothing to prove it to you. So I will.”
My eyes well up again. “And in the meantime…”
Concern washes over my boyfriend’s face.
“I think we should take some space,” I say, sniffling. “I need to have a heart-to-heart with Vanessa when she gets home from her trip on Saturday. Now that I know you’re her ex, spending time with you behind her back feels like a betrayal.”
