Page 44 of If My Wishes Came True
“But as we got closer to graduation, our conversations started to change. We were seniors, and suddenly Hunter was talking about starting a family as soon as we got married. I hadn’t even turned twenty-two yet. I knew he was getting ready to propose, but I never imagined he’d want to try for a baby right after the wedding. I figured, since we were so young, we could enjoy just being married for a few years. At least while I was in grad school.”
I pause to look at Esther, hoping she understands. The deeper Iget into this story, the more I begin to worry that she’ll judge me.
But when she responds, there’s nothing other than compassion in her eyes. “Did you tell Hunter you were concerned about starting a family while you were in grad school?”
I sigh. “Yes. And all he said was that we would figure it out. But that answer was too abstract for me. With my dyslexia, I had to work ten times harder in college than anyone I knew, and getting into that architecture program was no small feat. I was proud of how far I’d come, and getting my master’s was important to me. It felt like Hunter was a lot more concerned with me taking care of our home and kids, though. I could see my future with him unfolding, and it didn’t look anything like the life I wanted. Hunter would be at work all day, doing finance with the skills he’d learned in school—and I’d be stuck at home, barefoot and pregnant, and wasting my degree. And the thing is…I wasn’t totally sure I wanted children.”
“Did Hunter know that?” she asks.
My lip quivers. “Not before it was too late. I figured I was still so young, and that maybe I’d change my mind about not wanting kids. But after Hunter proposed, I panicked. He wanted to be a father more than anything, and what if the urge to become a mother never kicked in for me? I’m not sure it ever did for my mom—I could tell she didn’t enjoy staying at home. She always seemed so bored, and I didn’t want to end up like her. So I gave him back the ring. And the way he looked at me…”
I pause to grab another tissue. “He had the most beautiful blue eyes I’d ever seen. And he’d always gazed at me with so much love. But now, he looked at me like I was a monster. Hesaid he never imagined I’d turn out to be the type of girl to put career before family. He told me—he told me?—”
I heave a sob, my heart aching.
“Take your time, honey,” Esther says, sounding like the mom I’ve always dreamed of having.
“Thank you.” I force myself to breathe deeply. After a minute, I’m able to get the words out. “He told me I wasted four years of his life.”
“I’m sure that was hard to hear,” Esther says, tilting her head. “You were Hunter’s first love, and he was heartbroken. But ultimately, you spared him a lot more pain by ending the relationship before you got married.”
I shake my head, tears spilling onto my lap. “No, Hunter was right…I wasted his time…and if I could do it all over again, I never would have given back the ring…if I’d known that I would ruin his life…”
I can hardly see Esther through my tears. I can barely hear her over my cries.
When I told Vanessa about Hunter, I gave her an abbreviated version. I didn’t revisit every moment in my head, didn’t relive every word we spoke, the way I’m doing now. It’s unbearable. I bury my face in my hands.
Several seconds later, I feel the couch cushions move as Esther sits beside me. She rests a hand on my shoulder. “Why do you think you ruined his life, honey? Are you still in touch with him?”
I take a ragged breath. “I wish I were.”
“Did you ever try reaching out?”
My gaze lifts to meet hers. “I can’t,” I say, simply.
I think she understands why I’ll never speak to Hunter again. Something shifts on her face—from sympathy to heartache. I can tell by her frown that she hopes she’s wrong, and I find myself feeling sorry for her, and wishing I had a different answer to the question in her eyes.
But I don’t, so I tell her the truth. “I can’t reach out to Hunter…because he died.”
Esther lets me cry on her couch for a good ten minutes. She hands me a glass of water, and even offers me tea. I ask her if we’re running out of time, and she only smiles and tells me not to worry. I say I have a friend waiting for me downstairs, and she encourages me to check in with her. Vanessa insists I stay as long as I need. She’s keeping busy, writing emails in her car.
So I tell Esther I’d love a cup of chamomile. She prepares it, then takes her seat across from me again.
After a few sips, I’m calm enough to continue our session.
“Did you ever see Hunter again after that night?” she asks, her brows knitted together.
“Not for a while. We’d just graduated, so I packed up my things and drove home to Beachwood for the summer. And I assumed he was at his parents’ house, not far from Ann Arbor. Then I went back to Michigan and started grad school, and I was sufficiently distracted—until he called me. It was November 9, 2002. I’ll never forget the date.
“When I saw his name come up on my phone, I was afraid hewas going to ask me to get back together. I didn’t want to have to break his heart all over again. The more time that passed, the more I felt sure I didn’t want kids.
“But that’s not why he was calling, Esther. And I feel guilty, to this day, for the dread in my gut when I picked up the phone, worrying that he wanted me back. If only that were the reason he reached out.”
“You couldn’t have known, dear.”
“No…I guess I couldn’t have.” I take a sip of tea. “It came as a total shock when he told me he’d been to the doctor earlier that week, and that he’d just gotten back his test results. He said he was sick…but he didn’t elaborate. And I was too terrified to ask him what was wrong. I just wanted to know if he was going to be okay. When I asked, he said he hoped so.
“I know it wasn’t much, but I held on to that hope. I told him to come see me, and he did. I gave him my address, and he was at my apartment an hour later.
