Page 63 of Ice Me Out
I get it. “Yeah. That’s why usually I don’t log into my personal accounts.”
He returns the favor by asking the same question I just asked him. “And you didn’t block her because?”
“At first, because we were still trying to sort out custody of our daughter. Now it’s because while we don’t talk, I still want to be there for Lily. I don’t have custody or anything, but she’s the one I’m never going to get over, not her mother.”
There’s a reason why I usually don’t talk about my personal shit. I’d rather people think I’m an unfeeling asshole than look at me the way Connor is looking at me right now. With pity in his eyes.
But rather than offering me some inane platitude, my teammate surprises me. “It’s obvious your ex posted something or got in touch with you. Is Lily ok?”
I appreciate the sentiment. “Yeah, Lily’s fine. Excited actually. She’s going to be a big sister. That was what the post I wish I didn’t see was about. My ex is pregnant again.”
“Fuck.” Connor commiserates. “Seriously, are you ok?”
That’s the million dollar question. “I will be, eventually.” I say, honestly. “But my knee jerk reaction wasn’t great. I saw her post early yesterday morning, when I came back from my usual five-mile run. After I saw it, I turned my phone and all devices off and I locked myself in my room with Poonani on my lap and a copy of my favorite book. Cutting myself off from the rest of the world is the only way to deal with that kind of shit.”
He doesn’t ask me how I feel. The answer would have been angry and disappointed, by the way. The Lieutenant she cheated with gets to be the father of my Lily’s sibling. I know it’s crazy, but my favorite part of being married to Audrey was being a father to Lily. And we had plans to start trying for another baby once I came back from that deployment. It hurts that she’s doing that with the asshole who had no qualms about hitting on a married woman. Thanks to her, I’ll never be a father. How could I be if just the idea of trusting someone else makes me feel like I want to puke? Maybe I’ll adopt a child once I get my NHL contract. I can hire a nanny to help me raise them. No, even better. A Manny. Women can’t be trusted.
Connor’s next question surprises me. “What’s your favorite book?”
“Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter Thompson.” I offer, welcoming the change of subject.
“Hmm, I haven’t read it. What’s it about?”
I chuckle. “It’s difficult to explain. It’s like a fever dream of someone under the influence. I mean, his main character takes all sorts of stuff in the story and has visions and so on.”
He doesn’t ask the question on the tip of his tongue this time. But it’s written all over his face.
“No,” I answer it anyway. “I’ve never taken any drugs myself. I can’t say I have never been tempted, but the army did random drug testing on the regular. Here it’s even worse. If we test positive for anything, there go our dreams to make it to the NHL. But on days like yesterday, even reading about getting lost in a chemically induced stupor was enough of a distraction. That book is so out there that it always makes me forget whatever turmoil is going on up here.” I point to my helmet.
“Maybe I should check if the library has a copy.” Connor muses.
I slap him on the back. “Nah. I'll lend you my copy. That book followed me on two deployments. Despite how insane the story is, it helped keep me sane.”
“Thanks, man. I promise I’ll look after it.”
“I trust you.” I’m surprised that I actually mean it. “But now, let’s clean up all this stuff before practice starts. We’re cutting it a little too close this morning.”
We get to work in silence. I didn’t land the last shot, but this was the third different course I tried today. I always keep myself a few videos ahead of schedule and I post just once a week. With Connor’s help, my productivity should increase, so I’m not worried if today I feel a little unfocused. I’m better off choosing my battles and give my all to practice.
“Hey man,” Connor’s voice pulls me out of my own thoughts.
But he isn’t talking to me. He’s greeting Luke and Jamie, who just stepped on the ice.
I panic for a second, but checking my watch, I realize that I still have time to put away my props. They’re fifteen minutes early. Luke is an awesome captain. He’s always the first one to show up at practice, and the last one to leave. He leads by example.
Guilt rears its ugly head when he stops by my side offering to help carry some of the stuff.
I haven’t changed my mind about letting his irritating sister stay at our place. But I feel bad. I know if it was my own sister—even though I don’t have one—or my daughter who didn’t have a place to stay, I would want my teammates to help.
I’m glad Connor had a better reason than “I don’t want a woman as a roommate” to say no. But I know I was a total asshole.
“You ok, Keene?” Luke turns around right before exiting the rink, blocking my way off the ice.
I’m surprised that he’s so perceptive. He got here after I told Connor about my ex, so it’s impossible he could have heard me.
“I’m fine.” I shrug. “Or I’ll be. Eventually.”
Luke’s shoulders sag with relief. “Thank fuck. You’re taking it way better than I expected. Jamie is gonna be relieved, too.”
