Page 68 of Red Rabbit
I started shaking. I was so cold. I was tired of being cold.
I felt wetness drop onto my hands and realized at some point I started crying again. I wondered if that would ever stop.
I must have dozed off because I was back in the Warren. The dream started off fine—I was with Kraven and he was holding me on his lap, stroking me, but then his face turned into Paxton and the dream turned into a nightmare. I screamed and struggled, trying to get out of his grasp. A hand closed around my mouth and as I came awake to darkness, the hand over my mouth was real.
“Kaelin, be quiet!” Graham whispered harshly in my ear with his hand over my mouth. I was shaking and trying to gasp around his hand. He removed it from my mouth and I gulped in air.
“I’m sorry—” I breathed.
I was on the edge of hysteria, the anxiety was choking me and I struggled to draw in a full breath. I didn’t think I’d ever be okay. Graham’s arms were still around me and his hand was running up and down my arm. I tensed at his touch. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be held but he’d never hurt me and a small sob escaped as I realized that’s all I wanted: to just not hurt anymore.
“Just breathe, beautiful,” he murmured. “That’s all I want you to do right now is breathe.”
I buried my face in his chest and broke down again.
I didn’t know what day it was. One minute I was running, the next I was on the ground. I must have fallen but I don’t remember. I heard footsteps and curled into a ball.
I was done. I just wanted this to all be over.
“I’m not leaving you,” Graham said fiercely.
I must have been telling him to go, to leave me behind, but my mind was foggy. His hands dragged me to my feet and then into his arms. I didn’t even register it was raining until it started pouring on us and I heard thunder rolling over the mountains as the trees thrashed and the wind increased in intensity.
My mind was a dark place now. Nothing existed but pain and nightmares. I fell asleep in Graham’s arms only to wake up in terror. I was on the ground and he was kneeling next to me in the mud, covering my mouth. It was terrifying. I fell apart then and was completely inconsolable.
The pain, exhaustion and mental trauma rushed up to drown me and I lost it. I scrambled through the mud, thinking I was back in the forest in the Warren and Paxton was after me. In my manic state I tried to grab the gun from the pack.
Graham lunged for me and wrestled it away from me before I could do anything while I fought him viciously as the storm raged around us.
“Just kill me,” I sobbed. The rain thundered down and I was on my knees in the mud, pleading with him, clawing at his pants in my unhinged state. “Make it stop—I can’t—I see him every time I close my eyes—just make it stop,” I repeated over and over. I finally gave up and my forehead fell forward onto Graham’s leg as I cried.
Graham knelt down and grabbed my shoulders.
“Stop,” his voice was ragged and his eyes were filled with pain when they looked at me. He looked just as haunted as I felt. “Stop—Kaelin, don’t do this to yourself—” Then his hands were on my face and he made me look at him. “We’ll get out of this. I won’t let them take you again—I promise,” he was shouting to be heard over the storm as the wind tried to rip his words away, but when my gaze locked with his I saw the fear in his eyes and reality slammed into me.
“Oh my god.” I started to shake, terrified by how close I’d come to making an irreversible decision.
“I’m sorry—I’m sorry—” I gasped, breathless and wild. He pulled me to him roughly and I could feel him shaking just as badly as I was.
As the next few days passed, the rain let up and with it my sanity slowly returned. As soon as the pain became more manageable, my mental state started to stabilize. The nightmares still came but I wouldn’t wake up screaming anymore. I would startle awake and Graham would be there, looking at me like he was poised and ready to cover my mouth. Five days on the run was wearing on both of us though. There were deep shadows under Graham’s eyes and I hadn’t seen him sleep much. He looked exhausted and I knew it must be a monumental feat to keep us moving and deal with my mental instability.
After I tried to go for the gun, I knew I’d terrified him. I scared myself too. While I still felt horrible, I didn’t feel suicidal anymore and I was so thankful to Graham for being there to stop me. He made sure I ate and drank enough water and he forced me to let him change the bandage on my hip. Other than that, I could tell he was battling his own demons and my state wasn’t helping.
After my suicidal episode, I would meditate any time we stopped for a break. I’d deeply scared myself and I knew the only person who was going to pull myself out of this was me.
Sometime near sundown on the fifth day, we found the ranger station.
“Not exactly what I was hoping for,” Graham said as he looked at the deserted building. “But it’ll have to work.”
I could have cried with relief but I was trying not to break down at every little thing even though I still felt fragile. Graham made me stay back while he swept the abandoned building inside and out. It looked like this place hadn’t been used in a while. I saw a truck off to one side but it was missing two wheels and rusting. The windows were boarded up but it was a large structure with several rooms and a wide porch in front and back. The entire thing was built in a clearing on a rise affording us a perfect 360 view of the valley. Graham signaled I could come inside and when I walked in I immediately sneezed. There was a thick layer of dust on everything.
There wasn’t much in the first room besides a table and a few chairs. The kitchen was gutted and there were two bedrooms with stained mattresses that looked like they would disintegrate if I touched them. I went into the fourth room which looked like it was once the command center. Old computers lined one wall. I heard Graham dragging something outside the window.
“I found this old generator. It has a little bit of gas left.”
He shoved an extension cord he found through the boarded up window before coming back inside. I watched as he walked over to one of the computer decks and started to pry apart the back.
“Do you think you could get one of these to work?” He asked.
