Page 20 of Ryder: Shadows and Desires
I’m not ready to bury my brother for good. Not yet. If anything, this entire scenario feels like living out one last dream between him and me—like, for a moment, he’s alive again.
Andrew rubs his eyes, sighing. “Can you at least understandwhyI want it changedbefore? I don’t think you get it.”
I retort, “Yeah, Andrew, I can. I think you just don’t understandme.”
Those dark eyes intensify, his tone clipped. “No, Iunderstand perfectly well. I just don’t want to live in a dead man’s shadow when I am doing all the damn work. Especially because his sister can’t move on.”
Guilt wraps uncomfortably around my heart, finding myselfmadat Jeremy for not leaving the fighters’ contracts in my name. He left me the gym LLC and the building, but Andrew has the men. Which might have made sense when Jer first made that will, seeing as how I would never know how tocoachanyone.
Plus, the gym is in the stage where it either takes off or fizzles into a hub for amateurs with hardly any deals. This place needs Andrew more than it needs me. I understand why he got the fighters.
But there’s no way Jeremy could have predicted Ryder coming here or Andrew and I fighting over who gets to present what name to Warlord.
I take a step toward him, lowering my voice. “Why do you hate me? That’s the only guess I have for why you want to see my heart breakanothertime.”
Something that resembles an actual emotion flashes across his eyes. “I don’t hate you, Julie, but we’re not friends, either. You’re someone that rode off of your brother’s dream, and now you’re holding up this gym like it’s a part of you.I’mthe one with the contracts under my name—this gym is alive because ofme. So give me a chance to present my name to Warlord, so I can brand myself off of that… move on, and bury this part of your life. Go do something for yourself. I don’t have time to compete with a ghost, which is all he is.”
My face twitches as an upheaval of agony controls my body…
A ghost.
My brother’s existence has been reduced to a ghost. With no real rationale, Andrew’s phrasing completely hollows me. I spin around and leave his room, hotly walking toward the tire in the back, the very one that I caught Ryder sitting on the other day, knowing I can’t hold back this woeful wave that threatens my resolve. My throat constricts.
Can ghosts even sense what their loved ones are doing for them in this realm? Or is it pointless? Should I really give Andrew the name, since… since Jeremy isn’t… My nails dig into my palms. God, this hurts. Ryder makes it feel like my brother is alive again, his appearance akin to a resurrection.
This isthelast big “oo-rah” with Jeremy…
Sitting on the same tire, the tears freely flow as the sun beats down on my face. Placing my head in my hand, I justcry.
It’s not like I’m twenty and starting out in my career. Thirty will be staring me in the eyes in a year, and I’m already committed to this field with my student loans. I love many aspects of it, but I’m bitter; I was supposed to share this field with Jeremy, not run all of this shit alone.
All I want is to enjoy a beer with my brother aboutJoey Ryderand the gym enteringWarlord. Instead, it’s me and an empty chair.
Or, I guess, a ghost.
It’s just Andrew and me now.
Shuddering from the outpour of emotion, I stare at the concrete, trying to refocus. I need to get those loans paid off and go from there. Yes… that’s the next step for me. That will change everything. It will free up my options and allow me to move from that cheap-ass house.
One step at a time, Stevens…
One step at a time.
My hands hang freely between my legs, breathing through my mouth as my nose is too stuffy. A hooded man jogs by, and based on the girth of his body and the bounce in his step, I know it’s one of our guys. They all run a certain way, like a human machine of raw energy and power.
Once close enough, it’s clearly Ryder, the tips of his pointed bangs as noticeable as his harsh eyes that give me a one over.
“Hey, about that scheduled massage in an hour—” He pauses, panting with an open mouth as he pulls the hood back. His brows crease. There’s probably mascara running down my cheeks, my eyes surely bloodshot, but I don’t feel like pretending I’m not crying or in a crappy mood.
I sniff and swallow thickly. “Yeah?”
He frowns and shimmies his shoulders, exhaling to control his rapid breathing from the run. “You good?”
“Yeah, you don’t need to listen to my shit,” I say, looking away.
“Is it Andrew? He was talking about speaking with you.”
I nod. Might as well fill him in with my side of the story, especially since we all have to work together. “Andrew wants to change the name so the press can use his, not Jeremy’s. Obviously, I don’t want it changed until after Warlord, since all Jeremy wanted for years was for the gym to gain recognition. It would mean a lot to my parents. And me. And his girlfriend. Andrew is digging into me about it, and I just don’t know what to do.”
