Page 285 of Night's Fall
Oh boy!
“Aleksei—”
“I want to be open to this exploration with you,” he said, his voice rougher. “I’vesearched myself these past hours sinceIsaw his holo, and for you, my love,Ican and will search more.Butyou must know,Ifear there will be no change in howIfeel about this.Ifyou find it in your heart to attempt some kind of relationship with him,Imight get to the point whereI’mcapable of being cordial, butIdoubt even that.”
“She died in his arms,Aleksei,”Iwhispered, and he flinched.
Yes.
He very much understood how painful that would be.
So when he asserted, “Itdoesn’t matter,”Iwas taken aback.
“I’m learning how deep our bond is,”Ireplied. “AndI’mseeing how devastating that had to be for him.Hesays he was fifteen blocks away from her, and he still felt her fear.Theirbond must have been?—”
“It’s no excuse.”
“Aleksei—”
“Darling,” he bit off, “Istood in a cell and listened to my brother share how he conspired to murder your beast.Iwanted to tear his head off.Ittook every ounce of controlIhad not to do so.AndIdidn’t.”
“And he didn’t succeed in his plans,”Ipointed out.
“No, he didn’t.Butconsider this.Manyyears ago, it was a viable defense of rape when a male asserted he was under the influence of alcohol or drugs when he committed the act.Untilit was made clear that there are vastly more males who could become inebriated and their instinct was not to violate a female, in fact, they’d never consider it and would find such an assertion of themselves repugnant, that this defense was successfully disputed.”
This was true.
Aleksei wasn’t done.
“We touched on this discussion tonight with the guiltTimis feeling.Hewas a punk, playing pranks on his brothers, and his parents didn’t put a stop to it.Ihated it, butIdidn’t let it dig deep soIharbored it for years in order to use it as an excuse to commit unspeakable acts.Inother words, what befalls us is not an excuse to commit unspeakable acts.Ifyou do that, it’s in your character, whether you’re drunk, or you’ve experienced some trauma.Amonster commits rape.Amonster abuses his child.Amonster conspires to commit murder.ThemurderRolwas conspiring to commit was of your beast, it’s still murder.”
He swept his thumb over my cheek and continued.
“They both have a monster within, love.Assuch,I’llalso share that it will be very difficult for me should you find it in your heart to forgive him, becauseIknow this about him, which is why we’ll be discussing things further when we have children.”
What he said was food for thought.
But on my first chewing,Ididn’t totally agree with him.
“I think you’re right about sexual assault, honey,”Isaid. “AndIcan’t say you’re wrong aboutErrol.ButIalso can’t say that anyone can discount loss or trauma and how it affects your psyche and how that will further affect your behavior.”
“He put his hands in anger on a child,” he gritted. “Thereisn’t a being alive who doesn’t understand that’s unconscionable.”
“I know,”Isaid, running my hands soothingly up and down his back. “ButTimotheehas behaved in manners reprehensible, andIsense forgiveness in you, because you sense he’s feeling regret and taking responsibility.”Igave it a beat beforeIfinished, “Myfather is feeling regret and taking responsibility.”
A muscle jumped up his cheek.
He saw my point.
“I love how much you love me,”Iwhispered, and felt his big body relax in my arms. “AndIknow it’s intense, and sometimes can be troublesome for you, but for me, it feels amazing how deep your need is to protect me.”
“Laura,” he murmured.
“AndI’lltell you,Idon’t know ifIcan forgive my father either.ButifIdo, and that need interferes with you being able to be there with me, so be it.It’sa consequence of his lack of control, or whatever took him to the place to take his grief out on me.”Ilifted up and kissed his jaw beforeIfell back to the pillows. “Itwill be what we need it to be.AndIpromise,Iwon’t ask you to do anything it goes against your instincts to do.”
“This is allIneed,” he whispered.
“Then we’re good,”Isaid.
