Page 38 of Mr Collins in Love
I found it harder to draw breath and, despite the chill air, sweaty heat prickled out beneath my arms and down my spine.My hands trembled.I recognised the signs well.I was about to embark on a course of action that involved some risk.I was about to ask her to marry me.
But what if she had only agreed to everything now to secure her position?What if, once we were married, she made all kinds of demands upon my person and my patience, because I could hardly set her aside.I had a brief, nightmarish vision of myself, cowering in my study as she ordered Jem about and turned George away as a useless old man, and replaced Milly with some smart London hoyden.My imagination took me further and I saw myself curled upon the rug beneath my desk, hands over my ears in agony as she sang and played the piano for hours.And visitors would adore it and compliment me on my wonderful musical wife and I should have to agree.
“Miss Lucas.”
“Mr Collins?”
“You say all these things now, but how can I know you will not have a change of heart?What if you have a sudden longing for a pianoforte?Or children?”
“Well, sir.Perhaps my best answer is to give you my demands, as you have given me yours.”
“Demands?”I echoed, becoming truly alarmed, for surely that was not part of the bargain?“Oh, but…but…”
“Come, Mr Collins,” she said briskly.“In business, both sides must state their case, must they not?Yes, I am in want of a husband, or, rather, I am in want of as pleasant and as secure a future as I can acquire and I consider this the best way to go about it.But I remind you, sir, that you are in want of a wife—and not just any wife as it turns out, but a very particular kind of wife that I do not think you would be able to find just anywhere.I can be the wife you want.I can do everything you have said, and willingly, but you must also extend some courtesies to me.”
I was afraid I had fallen into a trap and said nothing.
She said, in a gentler voice, “I think you will find that what I want is not so very difficult, sir.Indeed, I think my demands may align with your own wishes.”
“Well?”My voice quavered.
“I wish that I might have a room of my own besides my bedchamber.A morning room, perhaps, that you do not use overmuch, or a small parlour.”
“There is a parlour you might use,” I said.“But what would you do in there?”
“I should read, sir, and sew, and write my letters, and enjoy being alone and mistress of my own house.Which brings me to my next demand.I will be as frugal as you wish, and cross my letters and turn the sheets, but I would like a special allowance for books.Five pounds a year, sir, if you please.”
Books would keep her well away from Jem and I was inclined to agree, but I recalled some of the reading material I had seen about the place at Longbourn.“But you must not read anything a rector’s wife should not read.”
She shook her head.“I must be allowed to choose freely, but if I buy any volumes that could be considered unsuitable, I will keep them in plain covers and hide them behind other books and never speak of them.”
This seemed fair, and sensible.“Very well.What else?”
“Nothing else.”
“Nothing?”
“I hope you will allow me to visit my family sometimes?”
“Of course!You must visit them as often as you like.”
She nodded.Her colour was high but she looked determined.“Very well then, sir.I have said everything I have to say.It remains only for you to ask me—you know—the question, if you wish to do so.”
“Yes.But first, may I ask you—not because it will change matters, but simply because I am curious—Miss Elizabeth is your friend, is she not?Will it not cause difficulties between you, if you accept a suitor she has rejected?”
She took a deep breath.“Difficulties?I would not go so far as to use that word, sir.She will be surprised, it is true, but she is young and beautiful and still hopes to marry for love.She does not dwell overmuch on the practicalities of life, as I must.”She paused, then said, in a rush, “And while she is my friend, mydearfriend, it was not ever thus.She is seven years my junior.Once, I had friends my own age.Three of them.But they are all married now, and two have gone away and one has five children and I see her very seldom.I made friends with Jane and Lizzie when I was twenty and they were girls of thirteen and fourteen, because otherwise I should have had no one outside of my own family to talk to.Perhaps you have little conception, sir, of what it is to be a young woman who sees her friends married about her while she remains unwed.But that is what happened to me.”
She wiped away a tear.I was terrified she would start weeping, and had she done so I might have retreated in confusion, but instead she shrugged and gave a half-laugh, as if to say ‘you see what fools life makes of us?’
She was, of course, nothing like Jem.She was narrow where he was broad, slight where he loomed.She spoke very differently and had the dainty mannerisms of a female of her class.But all the same, at that moment there was something about her that reminded me of him.
Perhaps it was her honesty, which was quite without self-pity, perhaps her air of diffidence, which I guessed cloaked an unconventionality of outlook so well that it would go unnoticed by all but the closest observer.Some of my nervousness fell away and, perhaps for the first time during this whole adventure, I could truly see a future in which all would be well between me and the three most important people in my life, to wit, Jem, Lady Catherine, and my future wife.
“Miss Lucas, I should like to make myself clear: I have set out my stipulations and you have set out yours and all has been agreed, but I…well…I suppose I should also like us to be as…as friends, if that would be possible.We shall have to appear as husband and wife in public, of course, but privately, also.My household is quiet and harmonious and I like it that way.I hope that just because I have set down some rules, you will not feel that I will ever treat you with anything less than the most tender civility and generosity.I want you to live in contentment, truly, I do.”
“Thank you, sir.”She curtseyed.“It’s kind of you to say so, and I’m sure we will be friends.”
“Good,” I said.“Then we shall all be happy.”
