Page 25 of Mr Collins in Love
“Er, just so, Ma’am.That is exactly what I have done.”
“Very good.”
She spoke of other things, reminding me that I must be sure to ask Mr Chambers to cover my duties while I was away, for she would not have Mr Hay on account of his enthusiasm and the commensurate length of his sermons.
I was in a wonderful state of ambivalence, glad to have navigated such a tricky situation with aplomb, but already dreading my adventure to Hertfordshire, with all the attendant rigours of travel with a houseful of strangers at the end of them.No Jem.Unfamiliar food.Also, under the circumstances, how could the young lady do anything other than accept me, for she would certainly want to keep her home in her immediate family.
I had so hoped for at least another summer of freedom with Jem.
Perhaps I could insist upon a long engagement, or perhaps I could visit, make no proposal, and return to Lady Catherine with a tale of the unsuitability of said daughters.I could make them out as shrewish, or frivolous, or—but no, I could not impugn the reputations of the Misses Bennet, who were doubtless innocent and amiable young females.As Jem said, some lies would eat at one’s heart.
My own heart ached.Yet I had known this day would come.Had I not woken with a start in the small hours sometimes these past weeks, aware with every fibre of my being that I was disobeying Lady Catherine with my inaction?It had just been so easy to forget when I had slept again and woken to a bright summer’s morning and a fresh boiled egg and Jem waiting to see what we should do that day.
Well, I must write to Mr Bennet that very evening, and then tomorrow I must drive with it to Pettiford, for I did not like to post it in Hunsford in case it got back to Lady Catherine that I had not sent the letter until after our conversation.I would take Jem with me to Pettiford on some excuse and apprise him of the situation on the way.Since all the unpleasantness lay at my feet, I would assure him that his position would be safe and that nothing would change between us, and then he would not be discomforted by the news.
As I left Rosings, I remembered the dumbledore in my pocket.I had almost certainly crushed it as I had forgotten about it during the difficult conversation with Lady Catherine.I removed my handkerchief from my pocket and opened it, intending to let the body of the insect fall to the grass.To my surprise, however, the creature stirred and arose from its shroud of white linen and soared into the air, wings glinting.Clearly, it had not been dead.Perhaps the warmth of my pocket had revived it.
I could not show it to Jem now, and yet, my spirits lifted along with the bee, for it seemed a small miracle.
* * *
The next day, as planned, Jem and I set off for Pettiford.I had said I needed him to help carry my purchases, which was perhaps not strictly necessary, but I had invented a need for more sermon paper, besides having my letter to post.
Mrs Fowke charged Jem with buying fish and a few other necessary items for the kitchen that she could not get from the garden or the village.I promised George that we would also call at the apothecary since I had recently learned of a sovereign remedy for rheumatism, being nitre, sulphur and rhubarb mixed with treacle, and I had made a careful note of it, thinking it might help him.
The day was bright and ‘finger cold’ as Mrs Fowke termed it, being chilly enough to make the extremities tingle.Some of the hedgerows had already been cut, though some still harboured inky sloes and crimson hawthorn berries.The air smelled of woodsmoke and Pilot’s ears were pricked as if he was glad to be out and moving.
I told Jem about my conversation with Lady Catherine and apprised him of the contents of my letter.Then I assured him in the sincerest of tones that nothing would change and that we should continue as we had these few months past.
He was silent for quite fifty yards, and then said, “Married?”
Usually, he was very quick, but I supposed had not been expecting the news.I explained again all the salient points of the matter, including that Lady Catherine had first raised the subject of my marriage in June, in fact, on the very day he had first arrived in Hunsford, and that while I had no personal wish to marry—rather the opposite—she expected it and would be most displeased if I did not carry out her wishes, and therefore, in a way, I did wish to marry as I did not wish to upset her.
“Aye,” he said.“Lady Catherine.I see.”
“It would be fitting for me as the rector to set the example of matrimony in the parish.It would bolster my role, so to speak.So, that would be a good thing.It would add to our security.”
“You want an actress, not a wife,” he muttered, snapping the reins, though Pilot was already walking along the lane with a good will.
“Yes, but I can scarcely advertise for that.”
He was silent a moment, then said what seemed an oddly determined tone, “All right, but what about her, though, eh?”
“What do you mean?What about her?”
“Well, she thinks she’s getting a husband when all you want is a…a…part.”
“No, no,” I shook my head.“Of course I’ll be her husband.I will support her and be kind to her.”
“Won’t love her.”He paused.“Or will you?”
I was stung at his implied criticism, for she would be getting the better part of the deal.“She will be the rector’s wife.She will be respectable and want for little.I will make no unreasonable demands and will treat her always with courtesy.Many women would be glad of such a bargain.”
“True enough.”He was silent, guiding Pilot through the shallow ford in the Gadway.We should soon be out of the environs of Hunsford and on the Pettiford road.Then he said, “Still.”
“Still, what?”
“Ain’t it wrong to lie to the maid?”
