Page 119 of A Wolf's Wound
“Please, that was nothing,” I tease.
“Hannah, everything you do is something,” Ryder tells me.Then he yawns.“I know we don’t want to fall asleep, but I don’t think I have a choice anymore.”
“It’s okay,” I reassure him as his eyes close.“We both really need to get some rest.”
“Good night, Hannah,” Ryder says and then yawns again.“I love you.”
“Good night, Ryder,” I whisper, but he’s already asleep.
I close my eyes, but my brain is still racing at a hundred miles an hour.I turn onto my other side and then sigh before going back to my original position.Ryder’s deeply asleep by now.
As I look at him, I think about the conversation we just had.And I wonder why I don’t feel more reassured.
After all, everything Ryder said was exactly what I wanted to hear.I do honestly believe he will never try to control me or tell me what to do.I know that mating with him won’t mean giving up my career, friends, or even Shadow.In fact, I can clearly see how being Ryder’s mate will cause my life to become fuller—with his family, with his pack—without me having to lose anything in return.
But just because neither of us want anything to change doesn’t mean that change won’t come anyway.And even the good changes will mean that we have to change too.I think about what it would be like to have a family with Ryder.Becoming a mother would sure as hell bring changes to my life, just like they would to Ryder’s life.
Still, the good changes—the ones I would choose—those are difficult enough to imagine.The changes that could happen anyway, that could affect my life before I’m even aware of what’s happening—those are even scarier.
I toss around again, frustrated at my circular and vague thoughts.I feel like I’m so close to pinpointing what exactly is bothering me, but every time I get close, my thoughts stop making sense.
Closing my eyes, I try to take deep, calming breaths.They don’t work.My eyes pop back open, seemingly of their own accord.I flip over so my face is in the pillow and let out a low growl of frustration.How is it possible that, on tonight of all nights, I can’t fall asleep?
Then I realize what’s bothering me!It’s what Ryder said about not being able to control how others see me.
I know he’s right, and what matters the most is that I act in a way that’s true to myself, to who I really am.Others can make whatever assumptions or judgments they want, and as long as I know who I am, everything else will fall into place.
Thatis what worries me: that I won’t be self-aware enough to always know that I’m being true to myself.That my true self will become subsumed by the pack, by Ryder, by the Stone family, and I won’t even realize it because I’ll just assume that’s what is supposed to happen.
I’m afraid, I realize, that I’ll be spending the rest of my life taking my own temperature, in a way.That I’ll be constantly checking in with myself, ever-vigilant, to make sure I’m doing things because I want to, not because it’s what Lori wants or Gavin or even Ryder wants.
The idea of living at that level of vigilance is exhausting.I feel even more worn out just thinking about spending the next five decades or so always questioning myself, never able to feel 100 percent secure that I’m making decisions because they’re right for me.
But what if I’m wrong?What if becoming Ryder’s mate actually makes me surer of myself and more confident?Don’t I owe it to myself to find out?
Before I can relax into that line of thought, though, two other questions pop back into my head, more insistent than before: What if I change anyway?What if I’m never the same again?
Chapter 67
Ryder
“Isshecoming?”Evanyells, and I shush him.
“Dude!You’re supposed to be stealthy!”Jackson hisses.
I roll my eyes.“Neither of you are being stealthy,” I growl, looking at the roof of the cottage where Jackson and Evan are crouched against the chimney.“Both of you, shut up until I give you the sign.”
“Okay!”Evan calls in a loud whisper.
“Good luck, man!”Jackson says, even louder.Then they settle back down again.
I glance at my watch.Hannah was supposed to meet me in the backyard of the cottage ten minutes ago.I wonder what’s keeping her.Did she get delayed at work?Did April call?Did she decide she never wants to see me again?
I know one of the first two scenarios is the most likely, but I can’t help the last one from snagging in my mind.In the three weeks since I was injured, Hannah and I have talked about everythingbutbeing mates.
Much to my surprise, it’s been easy to avoid that conversation.At first we were hardly ever alone; from the moment we woke up the morning after everything happened with Brian, at least one member of either my family or hers was at the cottage all hours of the day.And usually long into the night.
Mason and Michael bonded over enforcer stories, and my mom and Hannah’s mom took to each other like long-lost sisters.The vibe around not just our cottage but the entire compound was that of a nonstop reunion for the week the Blackwood pack stayed with us.It was actually a lot of fun, even if both Hannah and I found ourselves wishing for a little quiet.
