Page 23 of Between the Shady Groves
“Did you ever tell him what you wanted?”
“My husband is a very smart man.” She knew what his grades had been in college, he had graduated at the top of his class in high school. His SAT score was almost perfect, and his IQ was genius level.
“Okay. So he can take a test. Good for him.” Skyler lifted her shoulder. “I made a lot of mistakes when I was younger,” she started.
Lauren perked up. She thought they were talking about her and her husband, but Skyler was going off in this direction. She settled in, taking another bite of her bread, and listened, trying to listen to Skyler the way Skyler had listened to her.
“I was on the streets, I guess. I wouldn’t have called myself dumb, but I had a lot of street smarts. I still do. Just because of the environment I grew up in and the things that happened to me. My husband, Homer, is a very smart man. He works in computer programming, and no one would think he’s any kind of intellectual slouch. But there are just some things that he doesn’t know, because he hasn’t experienced them. I wouldn’t call him dumb, I just call him…unaware. So there’s that, when you haven’t encountered something, and you haven’t learned.”
“I guess that could apply to my husband. But when I say he’s smart, I guess I mean that in his business, he can figure out whatever he needs. Why can’t he figure out what he needs to do for his marriage?”
“I think sometimes men don’t realize they need to. They think that women are just like men. They think…they have good intentions, they want to have a good relationship, and everything seems like it’s smooth sailing, so it’s not crying out for attention, so they don’t give their relationship attention. They put their attention somewhere else and think they’re doing a good thing. Maybe… Maybe they don’t need a whole lot of attention from their wife. Or maybe they’re getting everything that they want. I don’t know. I just know that men can be really smart when it comes to book learning and figuring out complicated analytical ideas, but when it comes to relationships, it’s like there should be a whole other level to measure intelligence in that area, because a man’s ability to be good at relationships has nothing to do with his IQ. Not at first anyway.”
“So your husband wasn’t very good at relationships at first?”
“I don’t know that I would say that exactly. But I think some men struggle. But they can learn. They can figure it out. I do think that sometimes women want men to feel things that men just don’t feel. And we think that means they don’t love us if they don’t feel the way we do. But that’s not the way it works. They just don’t feel the way we do. They feel differently, or maybe the way they feel love is more intellectual and less emotional.”
“Okay. So you’re saying my husband probably isn’t ever going to put his arm around me and comfort me.”
“I think what I’m saying is, you don’t think you want to have to tell him that that’s what he needs to do, but I’d be willing to bet that if you said to your husband, ‘I’m sad that my mom died. I would like you to take an hour off work and sit here beside me with your arm around me, and just sit. Don’t talk, just hold me, and be here for me,’ he’d do it.”
Lauren bit her lip. She wasn’t completely sure her husband would actually take an hour off work to do that, but…he was here in Raspberry Ridge, so he’d taken more than an hour. Could she ask him to sit beside her and put his arm around her and comfort her? It just didn’t feel the same.
“If I have to tell him what to do, he didn’t think of it himself, and therefore that makes it meaningless.”
“All right. So, if he doesn’t think of it himself, and you don’t want to tell him, but you know he’d do it if you asked, why are you upset that he didn’t think of it? Does he get upset when you don’t think of things that he thinks of? Like the security system? He thought of it, you didn’t, was he upset with you?”
“I think he was annoyed, but…no. He’s not going to be mad at me tomorrow over that.”
“All right. I could be totally off base. But I think your husband loves you, I think he cares about you, and I think you are important to him. He’s here, wanting you to come back. He’s worrying about you because of the security system. He probably fixes things around the house that maybe you didn’t notice.”
“I noticed. I didn’t always thank him.”
“And I don’t think he took that to mean you didn’t care about him. That was just his way of saying he loved you. You have a different way of saying you love him. I think…if you’re going to get what you feel like you need, you’re going to have to tell him, ‘sometimes I just need you to come over and put your arm around me.’ And maybe…if he’s as smart as what you say he is, he can start thinking about those times that perhaps you need him. Because you’re probably right. He probably doesn’t spend a whole lot of time thinking about you or your relationship with him, since he feels like it’s okay. He has other things he needs to figure out.”
“Yeah. Work things. I guess if he were thinking about silly, inconsequential things, it would bother me more.”
She still wasn’t sure she completely understood. But she had a better idea of something that she could work on. Although, that was assuming that he still wanted her back. Then there was the question of whether she was going to leave the bakery and go back to Cincinnati. She really didn’t want to do that.
“Well, I didn’t mean to imply that any of this was all your fault. But I do think that sometimes when couples are having issues, it’s hard to seethe other person’s side. Probably he has more to work on than you do, but I think a relationship can always benefit from both sides working on things.”
“That’s wise. I guess I just wanted to make him the bad guy and me the good guy, and that absolved me from any kind of responsibility, and I was free to do what I wanted to do.”
Except, she really wasn’t free. There was no biblical rationale for her to leave.
“Thanks for the bread. I’ll let you get back to whatever it was that you were doing. But I really enjoyed talking to you. It’s a nice break from my regular life. I spend a lot of time with kids, and adult conversation is something I cherish right now.”
“Thanks. And don’t let me forget about Bible study.” She paused, and then she said, “Would it be possible to have Bible study here? I could make something good to eat. And we’d have something to eat while we studied.”
“Everybody usually brings something, and I would hate to have you providing something all the time, but I’m sure that if we put it to a vote with the group, everybody would prefer to come here. I couldn’t allow you to do that without being compensated though.”
“Maybe you could be on rotation. I was just thinking that I’ll probably want to open early, and I probably won’t be able to make Bible study unless I missed that first big rush.”
“I can talk to everyone. But I bet everyone would be willing to do Bible study earlier or later. Some of us go to work, so we have to work around that.”
“All right. I’m not open yet, so I’ll show up tomorrow. And bring something.”
“All right. I look forward to seeing you again. It’s uncommon to find someone who is willing to look at themselves and what they might be doing wrong and to even go further than that and ask someone else what they think. You’re definitely a humble person.”
